Has anyone been accepted as a young single parent?

[WendyWhale]

I'm a 23 year old single parent and adoption is something I'm seriously considering for the future.

Would they laugh me out of the room for being so young?

I was considered abnormally young at 28.

Why do you want to adopt? And what are your finances like? Are you completely ready to be settled, and have the space for an adopted child, with their additional needs?
That will be the crux of it, not your age.

The reason I want to adopt is that I'd love to have more children. There is only me and DS (although we do have great family support) and while I could go down the sperm donor route if I wished, I would love to be able to give a child a home and a family. Age and gender are of no concern, I am more worried about making sure they'd be a right fit for us and us for them.

Financially I don't have any debt but I don't earn a fortune either!

If 28 is viewed as abnormally young then it doesn't sound promising at 23, but it isn't something I'd pursue immediately so maybe in the future

Hi @WendyWhale. I also said that from a very young age that I wanted to adopt. Not because I couldn't have more children but I wanted to give another child a secure and lovely home.

I am just going through the adoption process now having raised my children now and I am in my forties.

You can enquire and speak to some agencies need at least a 3 year gap depending on the child's age. how old is your son?

Im still at the beginning of my journey with adoption having not made a formal application yet but had several interviews with agencies and info eves. For what its worth from me i really don't think you should hold yourself back based in age.

Im 29 and there's a bit of a myth in some circles which i come up against occasionally that in your 20s you lack a certain amount of life experience. As someone who has experienced domestic violence, childhood abuse, an estranged parent, depression, a premature menopause and inferility i find this incredibly patronising anf frustrating. I don't tell you these things about me because i feel I'm any more hard done by than anyone else or for attention but to illustrate the point that age has very little to do with parenting ability and ability to emphasise with the trauma and suffering that adopted children have experienced.

My age hasn't been a factor in conversations so far and if it were i would be quite assertive about this as i consider this ageism. Ive read up a lot over the past few years and been speaking a lot to adopters IRO and online and the main thing everyone comes back to is that SWs would expect from anyone (regardless of age) that you can demonstrate self reflection in articulating how your life experiences to date have impacted on you as a person, your relationships, and most importantly what you have learnt from them. The only thing relevant to age they may touch on is a curiosity about any fertility circumstances and if you have resolved these as best as possible.

So for example they'd want to know that any fertility treatment youve tried was completed some time ago and that you have no concurrent plans to try fertility treatment at same time as adoption process. And most importantly that you have sufficiently come to terms with not having children biologically whether that be because of inferility or life circumstances.

Adoption is my first choice and i expect that to be a topic of conversation because quite often people assume youve been through the ivf route if you're infertile but i think this would just be something theyd want to explore with me our of curiosity.

So i guess what im saying is dont let anybody let you believe you are not capable because of your age. 21 is the minimum age and as long as you can evidence self awareness around your life circumstances and experience there's no reason for them to discriminate on your age. Perhaps expect some qs and have some "prepared responses" for any assessments. I had to do this when discussing my infertility so i didnt feel "put on the spot"

Best of luck and let us know how you get on

I’ll be VERY blunt - my advice to you is to wait for at least 5 years. The chances are very high that you will meet someone else and have a baby with him.

If you reach 30 and you are still single, then investigate sperm donation.

If that doesn’t work for you then and only then investigate adoption.

Yes there are plenty kids awaiting adoption. But social workers are very traditional and prefer couples, so you will likely be offered the children who couples don’t want. So school aged children and / or with special needs or younger children from a high risk background.

I know many Single adopters and I don’t know any who have been placed with a white low risk NT baby or toddder.

Of course social services won’t admit to this discrimination if you ask then but that’s what happens.

It will be a BIG challenge to be a single mum of two kids, one adopted and with SN.

There’s also the money - you will need to take a year off work and then go part time for years. It’s easier to do this when you are older and earn a bit more.

Also an adopted child needs their own bedroom so you would need to rent or buy a three bed property. Social landlords won’t put you on the waiting list for a bigger property until a child is placed , but no one will place a child until you have a spare room. So you need to buy or rent privately.

And, to be even more blunt, by adopting a SN child you are seriously reducing your chances of meeting someone else. Very few men are willing to take on a ready made family with complex SN when they have the choice of single mums out there .

I know I am making the assumption that you want to meet a partner in the future , but I think that’s pretty likely if you are only 23. Very few 23yo plan to spend the next 60 years alone.

I’m sorry to rain on your parade . But adoption is very tough as a single person, you need excellent family support, a secure home, a well paid flexible job and financial stability.

It’s not about your age per se. It’s the fact that you are 23 means you are unlikely to have these yet.

And that adoption is going to limit your choices. And I wouldn’t want that for my daughter at 23. Different at 43 or maybe even 33.

I know I’m mentioning the unmentionable here BTW and some people will be outraged by my non PC comments. But it’s what I d say to my 23 yo.

BTW I say all this as someone who has been a single adopter and is the parent of several children with SN. I’m talking from decades of exeperince .

23 is a bit young so it is probably worth waiting a while - as others have said it is important to be financially secure, have a spare room and most importantly loads of support.

For me I am i my 30s, single and proud mother of a beautiful baby. He has no health concerns (although of course there are always unknowns) and came to me at one day old (F2A). I would have considered an older child but my sw said she thought a younger child would be better for me.

I have to say that I did not feel that SW's necessarily preferred couples. I know another couple was not approached for my son as it was felt I was a better match. Also I was matched with another young baby previously (did not happen due to delays in court and family being explored). What was looked at was what I have to offer - experiences (particularly of adoption), family, support, heritage etc. and how I could meet a child's needs.

Adoption is my first choice - a personal decision and I could not be happier. I guess what I want to say is that it is important to be fully informed of challenges and how your life will change, take your time but by no means rule it out. Do lots of research. And think about what you can offer a child and what support you have. Good luck!

sunnymam - do you mind if I ask your ethnicity ? Because I should have said that all the usual rules don’t apply if your are from a minority ethnic group which is in high demand. That’s a very important point which may be relevant to the Op and I missed it out, so thank you.

Can I also ask about your employer and leave to Foster? I know two single adopters who have had children placed through ftA and they had to take unpaid leave for months until the adoption order was granted and then they were eligible for adoption leave. So they had to have quite a lot of savings to live off. One had no income for a year !

I know some employers won’t grant unpaid leave as they know they will have to cover the job for out o 18 months. And of course there’s no legal right to unpaid leave to foster.

It can be tricky .

I think bring a single adopter with a birth child would be hard. I'm a married adopter with birth child. Certainly a flexible job and financial back up I'd important.

How old is your son and how big is your home? Those are key things. As other have said.

I am mixed race, which even though lots of people can't tell it did work to my advantage. Having a diverse family, friends network, neighbourhood and experiences was all looked at positively and meant I could be considered for a wide range of children and backgrounds.

New legislation with F2A means that you can take the full one year maternity leave (the same as adoption leave) - this has been the case since 2015. This starts as soon as the child is placed (i.e. before the adoption order). You also get a foster allowance on top. So financially you are now better off than straight forward adoption. Care proceedings should be over within 24 weeks (though I'm sure there are exceptions).

However, I did find the whole process and uncertainty extremely stressful so while I'm very glad I did it I'm not sure I could put myself (or my family and now my son) through it again.

though I definitely hope to adopt again in the future

Name changed, as according to this thread, I'm unusual!

I am a white single parent, who adopted in my early thirties, a healthy, white baby. There is something that that baby more right for me than anyone else, an as a single adopter, you have to have your USP. That could be your ethnicity, a skill you have, or experience with a medical condition. I also have a birth child. Life is busy!

The rules re FtA have changed, and employees are entitled to take adoption leave right away for FtA, and don't have an unpaid part like it used to be, that's been improved.

However, FtA is a huge gamble with a birth child, and IMO, cruel.

I would second the 'wait' advice, but I didn't look at sperm donation. It wasn't right for me, and I'd have struggled to ask for help when I needed it, if I had made the child on my own, as I'd feel it was all my responsibility, does that make sense? Whereas adopting, I feel that while I do the bulk of the work, it's my whole support network who are invested.

I also got told it would stop me finding a man. But I'm not some sort of half human, waiting for a man. If a man comes along, then the right man will accept the decisions I've made for me, and my family. The idea that because I'm a woman, under 30, I must be in want of a man, just felt very Jane Austin to me!

Start looking in to it, start reading widely. Wait until your birth child can weather the storm of adopting a little bit, the older the better. But don't let your age stop you if it's what you want to do.

Not to be dismissive, but parenting in a couple is a different ball game to single parenting, in every way. So, finding it hard with two in a couple is quite different to the ways in which it's hard as a single parent. There are many pros to being a single parent, especially to a child who has additional needs, as adopted children do. You don't know what you're capable of until you do it. People who say 'I don't know how single parents do it!' are like those who say 'I don't know how you could adopt!'- a bit annoying! Most people cope with their lot in life, really.

I'd echo the others and say wait a few years. The flexibility i have in my current job is not something I would have had in my twenties and it's definitely something I need as a single parent. Also, although finances aren't great now (several years of working part time to be able to meet the needs of my child), at the time of adoption I was on a good salary and therefore a decent amount of adoption leave pay - and even then things were tight.

Fwiw, I was in my thirties when I adopted an 'older end' toddler. Matching happened almost immediately after approval.

Many thanks for the information on FtA and employment leave.

Both the women I know who did this recently were single and with no biological children, I agree it’s very difficult if you already have kids. So far it’s worked out well from them, apart from the financial aspects .

Both were able to foster a much younger child ( though from a high risk background ) than through traditional adoption , both kids are doing well so far and adoption orders were granted without any significant problems. Of course it’s too early to tell about the longer term issues and the level of difficulties the children may have .

I'm a white single adopter. I adopted two white toddlers with no medical needs over 9 years ago. I was chosen over a couple. I also know lots of single adopters and some are also white who have very young children placed. Think it can depend on social worker/area/amount of young children waiting etc.

DH and I adopted as a couple and were the youngest couple that our sw has assessed. DH was 30 and I was 26.
No one ever even mentioned it other than the panel making a passing comment about us being young to sw.