@scottzgal88 I sat in bed last night anxious that I'd hijacked your thread by sharing my own tales of woe!
So sorry, I think I just got carried away with finding someone else with similar problems and ran away with it a bit.
@thomassmuggit there's some brilliant books out there, but also, sadly, lots of conflicting opinion as to what is best so it can be a real anguish trying to decide what to do!
Recognising the huge innate trauma is the most important thing to do and you've already done that.
Be prepared for your LO to be angry with you at times, devastating as it may be, I found with my adoptive mother I was protecting the anger towards my birth mother a lot of the time.
As a baby/small child, the lack of mirroring is the biggest subconscious issue, I think. Babies search for recognition in expression and facial features, trying to match their own features to a parent is their way of understanding the world and finding it hard when they don't quite fit. Maybe try subtly (or jovially!) mirroring the faces your little one pulls back at them. A tiny thing, maybe, but with potential for huge comfort.
The sadness, loneliness and loss does (in every adopted person I've ever known anyway) always seem to come to a head at some point, unfortunately. Sometimes not until adulthood. Having my own child and realising her loss of genetic relatives on my side was very hard - it suddenly felt like such a deeper wound that hurt those beyond myself.
But if you're open about her birth parents and who they are, and speak of them kindly as they are a huge part of who your LO is, as well as showering her with love and understanding at every turn, then the sadness can morph into something tender and bittersweet, rather than being a devastating loneliness.
It's not that simple, of course, and the road ahead will be full of bumps and crossroads and dead ends. It may be a short stroll, or a hard slog with a heavy load. But keep on walking together, share the load, sometimes carry your little darling, and you will reach your destination; and be able to reflect together on the journey, and laugh (and cry) at the hiccups along the way. Once there is some form of closure for your LO, whenever and whatever that may be, all the perils you've faced together will seem so much smaller than they did at the time, when they can feel so all consuming.
@scottzgal88 (again!) your journey seems to have led through somewhere you don't want to be. Don't let this be your destination, keep walking to where you want to go. I've not quite reached where I want to be either, but I feel like I can see a village with a nice old pub on the horizon (I hope I don't rush towards it too fast and fall over!). If you ever want to walk together, if only for a little while, you really can message me any time.
I know this (incredibly extended) metaphor sounds like the sort of hippy-dippy-bullshit I've always hated. I just feel more hopeful when I can replace horrible situations with less horrible metaphors, they feel more manageable somehow. I really hope you find some closure. I know if you're not a Christian, the fact I prayed for you last night will bring you no comfort - but know that someone is thinking of you and willing you all the strength and joy in the world.
I'm only in my 20's, but so much more information is out there than there ever was when I was a child. For @thomassmuggit and your child, this is a blessing.
For you, @scottzgirl88 this is unfair. The local authority may well have acted differently with this knowledge in hand. Allow your anger at this unfairness to flow freely. It is better to be angry than sad.
A favourite quote of mine, from Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye: "Anger is better. There is a sense of being in anger. A reality and presence. An awareness of worth. It is a lovely surging."
If you ever want to PM me, both of you, feel free.
So much love to you both, sorry for the incredibly long post, I feel like I've set a record for waffling!