Interracial Adoption

[Frozengeranium]

Apologies if this is all a bit cryptic but I'm wary of giving too much away.

We've been approved and waiting for a long while. A link was found for us, we were thrilled, it felt right and we wanted to proceed. We then heard nothing for a month, chased etc but no further information came our way.

The children are now listed on one of the national databases as available for adoption, one of the the prerequisites for potential adoptive parents on their profile on this database is that they must reflect the children's cultural identities. I can only assume this is why they decided not to proceed with us (they never let us know).

The children have the same skin colour as my husband and I, they were born into the same religion. Their parents were originally from a different European country but are now British and the kids were all born here.

Can anyone please enlighten me as to why these stipulations might be being made? The nationality that they want reflected in the adoptive parents is not a nationality that is common in Britain. Therefore I guess there won't be many prospective adoptive parents for these children.

I'm sad and confused and would appreciate some good sense

"I can only assume this is why they decided not to proceed with us (they never let us know)."

I would not assume that. It is entirely possible that the child's SW or FF just isn't much use. I would have your SW get in touch and try to find out some details of what they want.

"they must reflect the children's cultural identities."

Is it a case of interracial adoption, or of the same race (in so far as this daft concept exists) but a different cultural heritage? If, for example, the kids are east european they might want a family with some links to, or understanding of, their culture; but I doubt they will insist on a couple from that specific country.

"I'm sad and confused and would appreciate some good sense"

Not sure it's much use, but: Matching is hard. To an extent it's a marketing exercise and needs a bit of hard headedness. It's important to recognise and process your feelings about it all, while not getting too invested too quickly. I know- easier said than done.

I wouldn't get hung up on this match. Sometimes, SWs decide not to follow up an enquiry, but never tell you that, or why. I wouldn't assume any reason in particular, it can very very arbitrary. The reasons SWs give can sometimes not even be the real reasons, especially where their own prejudices/bias come into play. Matching is really quite unregulated, and unfair, on both adopters and children.

However, now is not the time to dwell on that, or try and change it, now is the time to accept that matching is hard, communication from SWs can be non-existent, and work with the decrepit system as well as you can. I certainly wouldn't try guessing SWs' thought processes, or making assumptions about why things are being done. You need to stay resilient, and looking for your children. Good luck.

When you say a link was found for you, how did that come about? It may well be there are still discussions ongoing about you in relation to these children but they've just reached the point where their LA is obliged to put them into the national register regardless of what might be happening behind the scenes.

Have a chat with your social worker - matching process is something you need to keep on top of and really communicate about. Have you been placed on the national register yet as prospective adopters? I know where I am that must happen after you've been approved for 3 months without a match. How long ago were you approved?

I found the process of matching and linking the hardest part of the process and ours was as straightforward as it comes, hang in there.

Thank you for the replies. I think accepting it and moving on is good advice.

Unfortunately we have a new social worker who has said that if they haven't been in touch it would be better to not keep chasing. I feel bad for the kids, they were wanted and are now back on the shelf.
I suppose I need to accept that we weren't right for them. It's difficult to understand why based on cultural identity though.

"Donquixote" you're right, same race, different cultural heritage. Although they were born and live in the north of England I also assume they are currently in the care of fosterers who don't reflect that cultural heritage. (Think Transylvanian or Portuguese or a smallish country without a huge uk population).

Thomas you are right too. I can't change those prejudices, if that's what this is about. Will try and refocus.

jellycat to try and answer your q's:
The link came through the national adoption register, their sw contacted ours with their profiles. Our sw sent them our profiles.
We've had 2 changes of sw recently due to restructuring. One branch of the la were in dire straits by all accounts.

Ah there's a lot more to linking than exchanging profiles. When we joined linkmaker our SW sent us a link to profiles of 8 different children/sibling groups and a few other SW asked for our profile. Out of that (about 12 different "enquiries") there were only 4 that went any further and two which were serious enough to go beyond initial discussions. A formal link was made with one sibling pair after a lot of information back and forth and those two littles are currently in my living room, singing and are high on Halloween Haribo. It's a long process and initial expressions of interest are the very start. Given it was just an intial swap of info I'd agree there's no point in following through.

I hope the right kiddies come along for you soon.

"Unfortunately we have a new social worker who has said that if they haven't been in touch it would be better to not keep chasing."

I really don't think that's a good idea:

1. You don't know how busy or effective their SW is. They may simply have dropped the ball and a one phone call might resolve it.
2. You don't want to pester them, but you do want to come across as interested in the particular child. A single follow up is not 'keep chasing'.
3. You want to know why they said no. As PPs have said, you won't always get an honest answer, but asking for feedback is the only way to find out if there is a weakness in your PAR.

I think the chilled, Zen-like approach to matching is fine if that is your style and you have a good, pushy SW. At an agency like the one you describe, personally, I'd be all over them like a rash. After two goes through adoption, I make a lot fewer assumptions about stuff getting done than I did at the start.

"Although they were born and live in the north of England .....Think Transylvanian"

You do need to be able to talk the talk about respecting their cultural heritage. The SWs want someone who will read a bit of Anne Rice and serve blood for the odd special occasion. They won't necessarily hold out for adopters who don't show up in mirrors.

That said, you don't know why you weren't replied to. You are guessing. If only there were some way to find out.