I'm typing this not even sure if I'm going to post it, or if anyone will read it, or what I'm even asking, but MN has been a huge help to me in the past. If anyone does read I promise I'm not a troll - I've usually hung out on the Weight Loss forums but long-time lurker.
I'm a 40+ yo adoptee and I'm meeting my 3 biological siblings for the first time on Thursday. And I'm so bloody nervous. They range in age from about 18/19 to 24 (I need to check the exact ages - have it in one of the letters).
I could type pages and pages about what has happened so far, but in general it's all been good. I've always known I was adopted; my Birth Mother reached out for contact about 5 years ago, we started with letters and then we met in 2013 and about 3-4 times a year since then. We had one major hiccup early on where I kept postponing meetings, but otherwise it's gone well and I'd consider us friends at this stage, although our contact is still fairly formally managed (set intervals and dates). Only my H and 2 close friends know about any of this. I don't have children and I've chosen not to tell my parents any of this.
Anyway, to cut a long story short I'm not in the UK and the adoption services in my country are being changed, so the social worker assigned to our case (who has been fantastic) is being moved out of adoption work next month. So as part of closing out our file, she's sort of encouraged me to fast-track meeting my BM's children while she's around to help. I knew I would always do it - but kept putting it off out of fear.
This is huge for me because I am an only (40+ yo) "child". When I first found out about my BM and the fact that she had children it really affected me because I've always hated being an "only " - when I was young and now still - and I suppose I always dreamed of having siblings.
At the time my BM and I made contact, her children didn't know about any of this or the fact that she had a baby when she was younger, so I sort of lived through the whole process of her telling them in 2014. We rehearsed all the questions they might ask and all the worries they might have, but their reaction was amazing and really floored me. They were just so excited at having another sister and sent me (through their Mum) some lovely texts saying they loved me already. At the time she asked if they could send letters to me, but I really wasn't ready. The thing is, I really didn't think they were giving it much thought these days and that they had enough going on in their own lives. But it turns out they've been dying to meet me the whole time but my BM didn't want to put any pressure on me.
Anyway, here I am 3 days away and any excitement I might have felt myself is now gone and I'm just dreading it and thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I don't know what I am going to say to them. The social worker will be there, but I just keep imagining lots of awkward silences. I've also suddenly realised how alone I really am - it will be 4 of them and me - the outsider. I'm practically twice their age, but I don't know what they might want to know or expect. And because their Mum has told me so much about them, I really can't think of what I'll ask them. I can't really remember what it was like to be in my early 20s and even though they're my siblings - sort of - they're also complete strangers that I have very little in common with.
The thing is - very much on paper only - I'm successful with a v high standard of education and I'm comfortably off. In contrast, my BM struggles financially; her eldest took 2 years to find a job after school; 1 of the others has dropped out of college and the third has repeated her first year twice already. I realised that part of my fear of meeting them is that I'm putting pressure on myself that I want to be some sort of role model for them - when in reality my life is a bit of a mess and generally I feel like I've been a failure - and deep down I'm very unhappy. From what I can tell, they're nicer, kinder and generally more well-rounded people already than I will ever be. In some ways I'm more afraid that I'll judge them rather than them judging me.
I've been through huge work stress for the last 6 months, so that isn't helping my state of mind either. I also have "proper" anxiety since I was 29 although I'm managing it really well these days. I practice mindfulness and I'm very aware that my barriers and protectors have gone completely up through the roof in the last few days - it's almost like I've shut down already. I've dreamt about the meeting 3 times and it always ends with me bawling my eyes out. There's still separate and hugely complex self-esteem stuff that I need to work through but I won't do it quickly or in time for Thursday. The social worker suggested I bring photos of myself around their ages, but even that has been a struggle as I just cringe at myself back then - both how I looked and how life was for me.
Anyway there's a lot there, so thank you if you've even kept reading this far. I guess if I am asking for any help, I'd love to know has anyone been through anything similar and how was it? Would anyone have any tips for an ice breaker or things I could talk to them about if it goes quiet/awkward?