Proud and need to share!

[WitchBitchHarpyTerfThatsMe]

So, we're having significant problems with my AD. Massive control problems that I've posted about on here for help and advice.

But I also need to share the joys.

Today my 13 year old AD spoke at an Adoption Conference. We thought there would be other young people presenting stuff but when we got there she was the only young person in the room.

140+ children's services professionals and adopters and she stood up a told them her experiences of being an adopted child. She also went back to the front with all the other speakers at the end to participate in a Q&A session.

I'm so proud and brimming with the pleasure she got from this. She's been bouncing since we got home!

Thanks incredible - what a star! And you for getting her there

That's* - I should be asleep!

Thank you Ginger.

Amazing :O)

Wonderful to hear such a positive story. Well done to her and to you x

That’s amazing! You must be bursting with pride! 😀

Amazing, worth reflecting on all the positive things too ☺️

That's lovely to hear. You must be super proud. Well done mini witch (and well done you!)

Well done keep the flag flying our kids can really make an impact
DD did a similar presentation at a University Hospital a few years ago
"Living with FAS" not a dry eye in the house.
They are very brave I could not do it and will make a difference.
Give a hug from me.

Thanks all. fasparent that's great about your DD.

A couple of refections here on what my DD did.

Firstly, although, or rather because, she's had a lot of difficult (challenging!) behaviours this has led to us having so many talks and reflections over the years and I believe that as a result she's become very emotionally articulate. She's had to find the language to identify her emotional states, name them and discuss them. This has resulted in a maturity in some ways.

Secondly, in recognising that she has a high need for attention (to counterbalance her innate sense of being overlooked and abandoned by birth parents), getting involved in the adoption community in a vocal way allows her to get the much needed attention in a positive, rather than negative, way.

I'm no perfect parent by a long stretch. 15% therapeutic only, and that's on the best days! But amongst all the angst and fear and stress we adoptive parents experience it's so good to see them flourishing.

What did she say in her talk, just out of interest - and did she get any questions at QT?! (I hope so)

Fabulous. You are she are right to be very proud.

Stinky she'd written poem for a writing competition for adopted people earlier in the year and put it up on an adoption site. That's why she was invited and that's what she read out.

And yes she did respond in the Q&A bit, to a question aimed at the speakers in general. It wasn't aimed at her but she thought she had a valid point to make, and she did.

That sounds even more impressive, no wonder you are both brimming with pride!

Does anyone get what I said about our children having to become emotionally literate very early due to their circumstances?

Also the need for our attention needing children to be directed in getting that attention via positive means (active engagement in the adoption community) versus getting it through negative routes such as lying and creating made up dramas?

I totally get the emotionally literate thing. It's both inspiring and frightening to see in my DD.

I think directing the need for attention to positive things like engagement with the adoption community is a very good idea and one I've mentally added to the arsenal of support I'm trying to build up for the teenage years

Agree at time it is important for Older children too engage and speak out if they feel they want too and are able too promote positive's and
understanding.
As said our DD did a presentation a few years ago, was engaged with only a few days ago with University Child Phycologists Research on the subject of After Adoption and Leaving Care Clinical Support. So although she engaged a few years ago, is still being used today.

Thanks Poppy and fasparent.

Wow! That sounds amazing! You must be very proud.

Poppy I don't know how old your DD is or where you live but we have a good regional organisation for teen where I live. My DD was allowed to join it aged 11.

If you want any further info PM me.

Thanks monkey. I am proud and it balances out the times when I'm tearing my hair out with the demands of parenting her!

Thanks witch have done

What does the teen group do, OP? Do you get to go to meet ups as well or is it just the teens, and is it a LA run thing, or a charity, or other? Thanks.

Stinky they run a very secure website with useful info and links and have a message board for teens. They have regular social outings, have a youth council, they've made a couple of short films about being adopted. I went to the first meet up my DD went to and met the workers who are wonderful.

They are jointly funded, by local authorities and adoption charities I think.

Thank you for the reply. Re the emotional literacy I think it is really good for any child adopted or not. Emotional intelligence is supposed to be the best indicator for future success in adulthood. I think it is something a child learns, or not, from the adults around them. By "need to be", I assume you meant it is better if adopted children are? Whether they are or not will depend on other influences.

In relation to needing attention, I think (I may be wrong) that increasing confidence in themselves by building skills etc decreases the need to look outwards, so to speak, and the involvement at the talk sounds as though it was fantastic in terms of building skills and confidence.

It sounds as though you are really impressed with the teen group. I would worry about negative influences as well as positive influences (of any teen group, not just adoption, and whether supervised by others or not) but I can freely admit I am on the precious side re parenting. Though I am not there yet, thankfully, dc are much younger.

Stinky the message boards on the site are closely monitored by the staff who run it. Ditto the social outings. Obviously not all conversations at the social can be monitored but I think the risks are no higher than what any kids at school might talk about or do together.

The first outing my DD went to I stayed with them throughout as I'm very cautious about other adults supervising her due to some of her behaviours. The staff were very skilled at constantly checking in with how people were doing and managing any 'difficult' feelings or situations that arose. The staff are very experienced social workers who know about therapeutic approaches to raising children.

I'm not entirely sure what you are referring to re 'need to be'. If you mean that AD children need to become emotionally intelligent/articulate early on then yes. I found that due to the difficult history, and associated difficult behaviours, I had to talk with my DD about some tough stuff earlier than I might with a BC because it was facts about her history.

Parenting in respect of the influences of others does become a much bigger issue for all parents as their children get older. I believe it's even harder with AD because of their vulnerabilities. But you can't wrap them up in cotton wool and isolate them, as much as you want to! However my 13 year old has a lot less freedom than any of her peers because emotional age trumps chronological age when it comes to stuff like having responsibility and freedom.