Adoption or Fostering - how would you decide?

[Katymac]

It's very hard to make a descision about which is better for a particular family

What things would need to be taken into account?

Well done Katy - you're getting right in there!!!

It is something we discussed even before we married & had DD

When we couldn't/wouldn't have any more we rediscussed and postponed it as we felt DD would be happier being an older sibling (not sure about that reasoning btw)

We inadvertantly fostered about 3 yrs ago for about 10-12 weeks and felt very let down by the support from SS

DD brought the subject up over the Easter weekend

Probably not a good time to be thinking about it

What with starting the Nursery & only having 2 bedrooms

Got to go now Katy but I'll give you my thoughts on it in the morning. I'm sure you'll get some more replies tonight xx

Hello Katy
The first thing is that for fostering they will expect that you have a spare room, so unless you can convert another room into a bedroom, they're very unlikely to consider you. If you plan to adopt a girl it would probably be considered OK for them to share. The big thing though is that fostering, although an immensely wonderful thing to do is a job, adoption is extending your family, for life. I know that sounds obvious, but it needs to be said. You can take a break from fostering, you can't from adoption.

You're a black/white couple which definitely gives you an edge. I would say talk to your local adoption agencies - both social services and independent agencies. Most of them have some sort of regular information session or you can just have an initial visit from a social worker without committing yourself to anything. Also look on the Adoption UK website - they're very good.

As far as your daughter going to nursery is concerned, adoption takes AGES - can be up to two years, so don't wait until the 'perfect' time, start making enquiries.

There are specific adoption threads on here and people who know far more about this than I do so you might want to post on there too.

Love and luck! xx

Adoption won't take years if you are a black/white couple. they are DESPERATE for families like you to adopt - there are loads of mixed race kids in the care system. you can take your pick of agencies and of kids - they woudl all jump at the chance to have you. In your situation I wouldnt consider the local authority as they are usually crap at their job ( as you have discovered) . I woudl try one of the voluntary agencies that cover your area.

Of course, none of this necessarily means that adoption is right for YOU and your family IYSWIM.Or that this is the right time. And yes I agreee, its rather patronising and probably rather racist to be judged soley on your ethnicity rather than on anything else you have to offer a child but that's the system

Dont think they will let you adopt a young child while you are still childminding though...you woudl need to check

Sorry Londonmamma - DD is 9 - It's me that is starting Nursery.....as in building a nursery & opening it

In a couple of years we will convert the attic into 2 rooms so that might be the right time

The whole fostering/adoption decision is a major thing

Kristina - would my job stop me from adoping, that's a real shame

I suppose it would be OK for fostering (funny that I would have thought it would be the other way round)

I guess the childminded children coming and going may have prepared us for foster children leaving (does that make sense?)

Don;t think be a Cm would stop an adoption but I think they would expect you to take a decent length of adoption leave eg 6 months to devote yourself to your new child.

Yes - you've got a lot on your plate there, exciting times ahead. I agree with what Kristina said, by the way. It would be a good time for you to make a decision about this. 9 tends to be a 'relatively' easy age, in terms of your own DD in that she's more likely to go along with what you decide rather than when she's approaching her teenage years. Childminding is excellent experience in terms of dealing with children and their different temperaments, but fostering is way more demanding emotionally.

As childminding happens in my home I don't think that would be possible (I employ other people)

I think it looks more and more likely that fostering may be they way to go for us as a family

If the minding closed we would have no income (DH is medically retired) so we couldn't afford 6 months off

I think not being able to take the time off would be a bigger bar - but you should discuss this. I know I was questionned quite closely about how much time I was taking off. You might get away with it if you are employing staff and "only managing" a nursery (or put DH as the nursery manager)

Couldn't he be the primary carer - he was for DD - I went back to work (gosh we slip so easily into steriotyupes don't we?)

He could certainly be the primary carer for a child who had not been sexually abused by a man
(a frequent experience in the lives of children in care, sadly). It would go in his favour that he has been your DD's primary carer. It could be BRILLIANT for a little boy!

He used to bring DD into work for me so that I could feed her - it was so sweet

He did all the firsts (day at nursery, dentist and all that)

He is a much better carer than I am

Hmm loads to think about

He sounds lovely!

Yes he is

DD has a fab dad, the mindees have a great role model & I guess I need to share him with some others

Get your situation sorted in your mind before you talk to a social worker - sounds like you're getting there. In my experience, if you present yourself confidently they are more reassured than if you present them with potential problems. Many of them do not have children of their own and the idea of a male primary carer might be new to them. I have friends whose assessment took AGES because the social workder kept picking up on things they said about their own children - really normal stuff - but the social worker read more into it than she should have because she was not familiar with ordinary children. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and if you just got hold of a copy of one of those magazines I mentioned you would be amazed at the number of mixed race children needing families. (The P.C. term is dual heritage, but it just sounds so pretentious I can't use it in normal conversation!!)

I lokked on the website and saw that they referred to dual heritage/mixed race as black

That is something that really annoys me as it is denying half (potentially) of their parentage

My DD was referred to as the "little black girl" at Rainbows (a few years ago) - I was really angry.......she is the best of both of us

They nearly always want to place mixed race children with black rather than white families, the argument being that their 'black' heritage is under-represented in society. Sadly, the result of this is that LOADS of mixed race children stay in care. Social workers are DEEPLY suspicious of white couples who tell them they're happy to take on non-white children, as if they are naive and unintentionally racist.

I suspect that they woudl probably bend teh rules for you ( re time off work and childminding) as you are a "scare resource" . You could always contact a few agencies and ask. I do think you need to have thought it through more yourselves though as they will rush you through the process.

IMO fostering and adoption are really different and I think you need to be clear what you want.Adoption is like having another baby (except harder and slower). They will be your child forever, just like your DD.

Fostering is like childminding 24/7 for less money and much more hassle. The fostering allowance for an under 5 is about £120 a week I think.

(These are sweeping generalisations of course ...just my opinion)

Have you had any thoughts about what age/sex of child woudl fit best into your family? One or more? What kind of contact coudl you handle with the child's birth family? Are there any issues in a child's past that you feel you couldnt deal with ? Health problems etc? ( I don't mean tell me , I mean you shoudl think about these things!!!)

obviously all three of you woudl need to be Ok with things ie if you adopt or foster a child who has been sexually abused or with a life limiting health problem it woudl have implications for your DD. I think thats why the CM might be a bit tricky IYSWIM