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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Adopting before TTC!!!!

18 replies

MrsHewdinkles · 02/10/2017 19:39

Hi All!
This is my first thread and look forward to your responses :)
Bit of background!! My dh and I married 6 months ago, aged 20 + 22 in Cuban paradise! We do not go clubbing, we do not drink or smoke, own our own 2 bed house in a OFSTED 'Good' school zone in a great child friendly village, we have a large family with no history of adoption & We do not have any fertility issues. You may ask- why choose to Adopt before TTC? answer is I don't know! I must wait until I turn 21 and dh turns 23 in December before we can register our interest, but we are 100% committed to the challenge of adoption. We are looking for a beautiful child aged between 2-4 who is already in the care system needing a loving home! It seems to be where our story begins. We are not ruling out having our own baby, as this is also very important to us, but for some reason Adoption just comes first in our list. what are your thoughts? Anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:

thomassmuggit · 02/10/2017 20:18

If having you own birth child is likely, it's best to do that first, for many many reasons.

There are no shortage of adopters. All children are beautiful. But there are no shortage of loving homes for 'easy to place' children.

Are you prepared for a traumatised child? Are you more prepared than the many many other adopters already approved, and waiting to offer a 'loving home'?

There are not children out there waiting to be rescued by you, before 'having our own baby'.

BTW- my adopted child is 'my own baby' as much as the child who has my genetics.

allthebestkids06 · 02/10/2017 20:31

If having a biological child is very important to you, and also on your list....go do that...

do not 6 months into your marriage attempt to adopt a child....just don't

Adopting a child in the UK is one of the hardest things a person will ever do.

There are more adopters waiting now for a child, than children waiting for the right family.

Oh - and social workers will not give two hoots whether you go clubbing, own your own house (renting is fine), or live near an ofsted good school (adopted kids can go to any school - catchments are completely irrelevant, they get priority)

having no fertility issues will be your stumbling block ironically!

exercisejunkie · 02/10/2017 20:45

Hi, I am a single adopter recently approved, my motivations to adopt were because I haven't met my mr right, got married and had children - having children and being a mum is everything I've ever wanted, I chose adoption over using a sperm donor because I'm very comfortable with the needs that an adopted child will have, as a poster above said "an adopted child will be my own baby" whether I give birth to them or someone else does, I will do all the things a mum does, love them, care for them, provide a family, cousins, experiences and all the support they need, whether that be directly from me or by advocating for their needs to other professionals.

As another poster said " adopting a child in the U.K. Is one of the hardest things you can do" the process itself is not for the faint hearted, it is hard and for a reason - I feel incredibly proud and thankful to have been offered this opportunity. It's a journey that's for sure.

I advise you to read, read read, and look at the modules available on the first4adoption website - join and you can access them. The amount I have learnt since beginning this process is staggering, and I'll continue to do so forever.

hidinginthenightgarden · 02/10/2017 20:53

We have a birth child and adopted afterwards. Adopting has been much harder on our marriage and we are not that much older that you.
I wouldn't recommend it based on our experience if you have the opportunity to have your own biological child first.

You can develop parenting skills that can be tried and tested on a non-traumatised child. Not as a guinea pig but because a child from a baby is much more forgiving that a traumatised 3 yr old who has been neglect/abused etc.

bellasuewow · 02/10/2017 20:59

Others have given excellent advice above, if you read a lot around adoption you will cease to think that adopting a child is different to having your own baby in terms of how adopters feel about their own children. The process is life changing and challenging. If you are able to have a birth child then go down that route and exhaust that before you consider adoption. Not because it is second best but because it is so much harder to do. Good luck in your journey op.

thomassmuggit · 02/10/2017 21:06

Not just much harder to do in terms of getting the baby, and having done both, it is, albeit adoption is, usually, less life threatening.

But much harder in terms of parenting. Much harder. Adoption requires high level parenting, it really does. Without blowing our own trumpets, adoption means adoptive parents need to be better parents, more patient parents, more thoughtful parents, more empathetic parents, more stoic parents. Adoptive parenting is hardcore.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2017 21:15

Honestly, as per previous posters of you can have a birth child and you think you might want to one day, do it first. You're very early in your marriage to bring a traumatised child, still learning about each other in marriage and don't need the atom bomb that is adoptive parenting so early on.

Adoption is wonderful and all children are beautiful but the approval process and subsequent placement of children has pushed our very stable, 20 year marriage to its limits. Until you can answer the "why adoption" question clearly for yourself, and your marriage has been stretched a bit, put adoption plans on the back burner.

Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2017 21:27

MrsHewdinkles I hate to say this but I am not quite sure that this is serious. It's all the things that make it unlikely you would be able to adopt, young, newly married, fertile, wanting bio kids one day!

Please do not see this as negative but you really are not yet in the right place for this.

Please enjoy your new marriage, I would have to say that adopting now would almost certainly put your marriage under jeopardy. You need a lot more time together and to be really ready for anything as a family unit.

I old dh wen we adopted ds 3.5 years ago, if things go wrong, I will put the kids, ds plus birth dd (then 9), before you. He know I would. Luckily, he has been a grea husband and dad and we have coped. But honestly, it is not easy.

If you want bio kids, do that first 100%.

I would go so far as to say it is unlikely if any agency will consider you seriously if you are so young, only married such a short time, have no, fertility issues and want bio kids one day. Please do not take this as a criticism of you, you are young and have a lovely life together, fabulous. But if you want to adopt you will need to look into all this a lot more.

Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2017 21:29

told not old.

fatberg · 02/10/2017 21:40

You need to do some reading and research about adoption. Or hang round here and see how jaded/exhausted we all are.

(Meanwhile, I'm going to go price up 'adoptive parenting is hardcore' in wall decals for my living room.)

Rainatnight · 03/10/2017 08:27

Agree with everything everyone else has said.

Also, you say you're not sure why adoption comes first on your list. If you do decide to go ahead, you really need to get clear on this. It's a very unusual decision for a couple in your position and social workers, approval panel, etc will all want to know why (and, would find it odd if you didn't know).

DP and I adopted without trying to have bio children, so I'm not saying I don't believe it as a position, but we had clear reasons.

bunting1000 · 03/10/2017 10:15

We adopted 2 siblings (aged 2 and 3) when i was 23 and my husband 24- similar situation in that we hadn't ttc, but felt adoption was the right thing for us to do first. Our boys were considered hard to place because of a few issues, and we deliberately wanted to take on children who might have otherwise stayed in the care system. We are now three years down the line- it has been extremely hard at times, but the boys are absolutely thriving and 8 weeks ago we had a baby! Our two older boys absolutely adore their little brother and for us, it was definitely the right way round of doing things 🙂 Just wanted to give you a positive story!!

TripleB32 · 03/10/2017 12:00

And another positive story for you - we have adopted 3 siblings. We have not TTC and have no known fertility issues, but adoption was our first choice. Slightly different to you though as it is our only choice. We are not interested in having birth children later down the line.
But as others have said, make sure you do a lot of research on this. It is not an easy ride!
Good luck with your decision.

allthebestkids06 · 03/10/2017 14:50

Triple - I think only choice is very different to adopt first TTC later...

We have AC & BC....its not for the faint hearted, and certainly not recommended 6 months post wedding!

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2017 16:45

Bunting I am so glad it has worked out well for you. That is a positive story.

I do know a family where things did not go so well and so I think that is why social services are so cautious.

bunting1000 · 03/10/2017 17:14

Social services were nothing but supportive of us and our reasons- I guess it depends on the LA you're with and the social worker- the social worker seemed to love that it was a choice for us first because we didn't have the expectation or desire for a tiny baby etc. so went into it expecting to end up with children who were traumatised or had behavioural issues etc. As I said, it's all worked out so well, although there have been moments which have been horrendously hard- thankfully not recently. We definitely seem to be the exception though and I can see why there may be problems, so be cautious and really do your research and think it through

bunting1000 · 03/10/2017 17:16

Also, we had to work through the scenario about what would happen and how we would feel if our children's needs ended up being too great for us to have birth children

OlennasWimple · 03/10/2017 23:04

We have a BC and an AC. The AC's needs are such that if she had come along first, we would only have one child, and there is no way that she would cope with having a younger sibling (or that we would have the time, energy and emotional reserves to deal with her plus a baby)

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but there are very good reasons why the accepted wisdom is that an AC should be the youngest in the family

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