Am I overthinking

[OurMiracle1106]

Or being over sensitive.
A comment which has been made in regards to changing dates of contact
"We appreciate you had your reasons for wanting it to be august but it's been x years now so we hope it's ok to change it to September".

September doesn't work for me work wise and was avoided specifically for highly emotional personal reasons.

But the x year comment makes me feel like I should be over it by now. Over my sons adoption? Over my dad dying in September? Over the anniversary of the events that cost me my son (there's information that I have chosen not to share with anyone)

First of all I want to write back and say that it will never ever matter how many many years it's been since my son was adopted, living without him is like living with a wound deep in my soul that just won't stop bleeding, and every day I am fighting to keep swimming so that I don't drown in this blood. Don't ever expect me to be over it.

Secondly it's a highly emotive month for myself and my epilepsy is known to be triggered by emotional stress- contact could be the tipping point.

Thirdly getting time off work is almost impossible to get until end of October. I am term time only but have chosen to share this with SW but not them as I feel it could be too identifying.

Am I letting my emotions take over? There's other things that's been said that I also feel emotional about but will let lie

Oh sweetheart you are not overreacting, it does sound very hard for you.

I can't advise what to do but I don't think you are overreacting.

Maybe the comment was made meaning circumstances may have changed. Not that you would have gotten over it.

I am so sorry for you. Xxxx

Well, yes I think you are over reacting to that specific comment; but your feelings are entirely reasonable and valid given how hard this is. I think most people would feel similarly raw.

There is no way they meant it the way you interpret, they mean: we've tried it making it work in August for several years.

If you told them September was the month your Dad died and and the month your son was removed, then I think they are a bit shit for not accomodating you. You were initially worried they might be thinking of giving up contact, at least they do seem to be engaged and committed. Ultimately, it is their choice (as it is yours) to continue. You may have to accept it on their terms.

If, however, you haven't been quite clear with them about the difficulty of September (stuff about work makes it sound less of a big deal) then perhaps a phone call to the SW asking them to have one last polite try? Alternatively, perhaps hold off replying until october.

From paperwork they would definitely know that it was the month my son was removed and dad died. They would also know it was the month I was married.

I wasn't actually originally consulted much. Just asked for dates I wasn't able to do in order to avoid anniversaries etc and I said for me personally there's always going to be stuff going on so It was decided to be 6 months from initial contact which happened to be Feb and august.

I have categorically told SW that September doesn't work for me either logistically with work or emotionally and I cannot and will not put my health at risks as I don't feel that is in our sons best interests

"From paperwork they would definitely know that it was the month my son was removed and dad died. They would also know it was the month I was married."

It would be very unusual if adopters had that info. In my experience some SW don't read files in detail before attending important meetings, let alone answering queries about contact. If you speak to the SW again: explain why it's such a hard month; make sure they make clear to the adopters that this isn't some whim- there are genuine reasons.

Hope it works out.

I would assume the adopters are simply living their lives as people do and thinking of what is easiest for them and their family. I would doubt that they are privy to all your details and needs.

I think my LO's paperwork was more detailed than most, so I do know the month they were removed from their birth family. But I don't know (and wouldn't expect or want to) anything else going on for birth family members at that time, so wouldn't know about bereavement or marriages or anything like that.

I can totally see how it reads in a hurtful way, but I reckon there's a good chance what they meant was "we have done our best to stick to August for X years but it's really hard for us. Can we now consider moving it and seeing how that goes?" I would hope they didn't mean you would be "over it" after any number of years, but more that they kind of want a turn to express their reasons for needing a change? It's tough because you don't know why August is hard for them, and they don't know why September is hard for you - but I really don't think it sounds like they're intending to hurt you.

sorry its so hard

as pp said, while SS know the month is hard for you and why, its highly likely that the adopters don't
there is so much sw don't tell us, they talk a lot about protecting the birth families right to privacy, so may say, oh that may be difficult for them - but never expand on why...
we don't have contact on some months - but i have no clue why not, i dont ask, sw dont offer the reason why. its like the unspoken code between me and the social worker, of ask no questions, i'll tell you no lies.....and lots of what is in the initial paperwork is blacked out with marker pen, names addresses etc.... we just get to see the childs details, nothing else.....

if september is too hard, you can write back - I appreciate August has been difficult for you, i hope you can appreciate I still find September difficult for personal reasons so hope we can agree to an October letterbox instead....or something to that effect (if you can do October?)
Would you be able to use the half term week to compose your letter - or use that week to go to SS office to read yours if that is the time you need?
I hope you find a solution that works for you all....

The thing is contact was arranged around them so I'm confused as to why they thought I'd asked for august- other than it was 6 months from my first.

I would like to know how much they know about me. i haven't as yet done his later life letter but that would be something that could be visited in the future as he's still young

I think there may be some mis communication somewhere.

I'd ask for clarification as to why it has to be September and either suggest October or July if August is hard for them?

It does sound like things aren't being communicated as well as they should be.

I think it would be fine for you to go back with a different proposal. FWIW the months of January and July are the calmest in the school calendar I think, ime.

I am sorry if this is overstepping the mark, but I have read before your comments about being upset about intrusive questions, and also that f2f contact had been discussed. To play devil's advocate, is it possible that the intrusive comments were for the adoptive parents to try to ascertain whether f2f might work, as some degree of trust would be needed both ways? As I say, apologies if this causes offence, it isn't intended.

They have clearly said no to face to face. And certain questions such as where exactly I'm working feel irrelevant. I've told them I'm in admin and have been in current role for a year but I don't feel able to share it's exact location or nature as it could identify me.

January and July was suggested as was October and April. I'm more than happy to try and change things just September doesn't work And I hate the idea that I wouldn't be able to collect for around 6 weeks so turn around time would almost double, doing so before just wouldn't work logistically or emotionally.