Support network - can paid help count?

[BeckyNW]

We are starting Stage 1 of the adoption process and have quickly realised that our support network is much smaller than most. We have friends, but wouldn't expect them to take care of any adopted children of ours. Neither of us has siblings and our remaining parents are either too elderly or too far away to help. What do you think about extending our network through paid child care, like a nanny or childminder?

We had very few people who we'd actually hand a child to, so, erm, exaggerated that bit, whilst fully believing that when we had kids I'd make mum friends. (I did.)

But, support networks can include other people. So you can include people who might support you emotionally, financially, practically, even the people you phone to vent at.

So my ILs aren't local to us, but if I broke a leg or something, they could come help out for a while. My parents are ancient, but very supportive emotionally. Etc.

So not just babysitters.

Good luck!

And since I didn't answer your question, no I wouldn't include paid childcare.

I was in the same boat - not lots of people I would hand a child to look after but I have a wide emotional support network that I can call on to rant, do shopping, have coffee with etc. So I included them and within that group noted the people I'd be happy to leave little ones with (I just didn't mention that they lived miles away etc).

I wouldn't include childminders or paid babysitters because you don't know whether your kids will cope with formal childcare. I worked on the assumption that my kids would need me to physically care for them and that I would need lots of emotional support and so far that's proved to be the case. By the time they're able to cope with someone else caring for them, I expect to have made some mummy friends.

And the same here. We've got plenty of friends but realistically, everyone works so I've got very few, if any, who could literally drop everything in an emergency. My parents live in another country and my MIL lives far away and is very elderly.

Like PPs, we took the widest interpretation of 'support network' and also, um, slightly exaggerated. Realistically, I think very few people have that kind of support unless you have able-bodied GPs around the corner.

(As an aside, in Stage 1 I did think that my parents could come and stay if I broke a leg, as tldr said about her ILs, but my mum was diagnosed with cancer almost the moment DD was placed so that put the kibosh on that. I guess all I'm saying is that th Stage 1 homework can quickly unravel when it comes up against real life).

We are in the same position. Our SW counted all sorts of support in our home study. Our neighbours who have no children have been brilliant support in all sorts of practical and emotional ways. Life always keeps changing and so will your support network. Sometimes people can surprise you in all sorts of nice ways.

Oh and sorry, I didn't answer your question. Don't include paid support. Even if it's what you end up doing in real life, it can give the impression that you'll just hand the child over to a childminder in the early days (not saying you will, just SW are very quick to pick up on things like that.) Better to tell the best possible story around the people already in your life.

We had the following groups on our support network iirc

• family (emotional only, none near enough for practical support)
• professionals (eg GP, SWs, teachers)
• Adoption UK message boards
• friends (mainly emotional, a couple close enough for practical support)
• neighbours (practical support)

To some extent it is more a point of showing you can make a support network, because then they know you will be able to expand it when placed. If you have e.g. lived in an area for 10 years and have made no connections they might be concerned you won't be able to after placement either.

The bottom line, if you are ill with D&V, who will you ask to feed the kids or go to the supermarket for you? People are generally happier to step in in an emergency than to ask for help themselves - you have to be able to ask for help if you need it.

Hmm, lots of very useful points here. I have to agree, I wouldn't want anyone else to look after my kids especially in the first year or so of placement, even close family. I was just trying to think of ways to improve our adopter profile. And you're quite right, I'm sure I will make mummy friends and be pleasantly surprised by neighbours and friends response to asking for help. I will certainly take your advice and big up the people we have in our life already - I bet they would help if we needed it, they've just never had reason to until now.

It's less about baby sitters & more in-case-of-an-emergency who would you turn to. That could be someone who could pick the kids up in an urgent situation or even just who would you call if you're super stressed & need phone-support. During our training days one adopter made a really good point - the ppl he included in his support network during the process are completely different to the support network they had after adopting. The friends you're close to now might not be the same once you have kids, indeed you'll likely make lots of new friends - other adopters u meet during the process or other parents u meet through toddler groups, school etc.

In practice, yes, paid 'staff' may end up being your biggest supports, words could not express the love I've had for the cleaner sometimes.

But in social work land, they want you to conjure an idyllic soap-land style life, where everyone pops in and out of each other's houses, and goes to the pub every night, without the shouting and the murders. As everyone else says, some 'massaging' of the actual support network is necessary. You will find some people you thought would be a great support are unable to keep boundaries and drive you mad once little one is here, and you'll find others who fix your garden gate for you without you asking, or expecting anything in return, just because they know you're busy.