Discipline

[hidinginthenightgarden]

DD has been with us just under a year and is almost 2. She is very playful and copies her big brother a lot so like to play fight etc. Often if I pick her up and she wants to play she will hit me in the face. I say "no, that's not nice/ you hurt mummy etc" and she laughs and does it again. At this point I have taken to putting her down.
The thing is she seems very upset by any sort of rejection. If I won't pick her up, if I put her down, if I (or anyone else) say no. She went to give DH a cuddle the other day but he was full of dirt after gardening so he said, no and she was really upset.
I cannot just allow her to do what she wants but cannot tell what is toddler related and what could be adoption related. DS was very laid back and never really had tantrums so my approach to them has been ignore the tantrum and have a cuddle afterwards. Her communication skills are not very good so it is hard to know what she understands and what she doesn't. ANy advice much appreciated.

I'd say knock the play fighting on the head until she can do it without hitting you. Our adopted son, 7, and I did a lot of play fighting in the early days (he came to us at nearly 4). I did play fighting with our birth daughter (who is six years older) but she never got violent.

However, I had to stop play fighting with our son because he kept making a fist. A year or a couple of years later we resumed it as tickling. Luckily, he is a lot more ticklish than me!

As far as dirt goes, IMHO unless it is something really toxic, like oil or chemicals, I'd tell your Dh that hugs are fine when he is a bit grubby. I'd also try and teach the concept of wait two minutes, while Dh washes hands and face or changes out of overalls (whatever).

So she knows the hug does come but she may have to wait - just as she would if you or he were chopping onions etc. You'd need to put down the knife and maybe was your hands etc.

Good luck.

We have the same behaviour with our dd. I've just assumed that it's part of attachment and fasd - and we're getting professionals involved to make sure we're parenting as well as we can and helping her. I think we're looking at years of reassurance etc.
Have you contacted post - i've found them reallyhelpful.
I've also learnt to duck, sidestep and watch for the signs of scratching, hitting and hairpulling.
It's not fun tho

Plus ditto what italian says about dirt. Never refuse a hug.

Thanks ladies.
She doesn't hit other than to be playing and she sees tickling as play fighting too and joins in by hitting. Definitely not malicious but still needs to be stopped.

Re the needing to wait a minute before a hug (if really terribly emerging-from-swamp-level-dirty) I ask DD to hold onto my leg, or to hold something for me and stay right beside me, while I wash my hands etc. So I am not rejecting or breaking the connection between us, and I can keep chatting to her until I'm able to hug. DD finds it enormously and immediately distressing to wait for a hug, de-stabilises massively, and I have to really help her manage it. Your DD is really young, and probably emotionally younger inside at times when she's feeling wobbly, so keep going with all the reassuring you're already doing. Re the hitting, I used to sometimes sit with DD on my lap and gently but firmly hold her hands, while saying "I see you need some help to stop hitting, let's have a sit together for a bit". When calmer we would also practice gentle touching, stroking her toys etc, then getting the toys to stroke her face, to help her learn what gentle hands felt like when she did it herself.

What everyone else has said is really good advice.

But just wanted to chip in about the hugs. DD also gets really distressed if she has to wait for a hug so we instigated a rule fairly early on that you could always have a hug whenever you wanted one. For her the rejection of having to wait even a couple of minutes for a hug was massive and totally exacerbated whatever else was going on.

As she's got older she still needs hugs at the most random times and often mid meltdown she'll come over for one even if she's still cross with me and can't look me in the eye or speak to me. I think for her it's a need for physical reassurance that I'll still be here regardless of what's happening or how she's feeling.

Re the hitting, the advice about gentle stroking of toys is spot on so she can see what gentle feels like. Also if you have a pet who can be stroked this can help massively too.

I cannot just allow her to do what she wants but cannot tell what is toddler related and what could be adoption related.

This is the perennial problem in adoption, and doesn't get any easier. We currently have 'is this teenage related or adoption related' in our house.

Otherwise the others have given good advice.

Thanks. I have done the stroking before. I will do that rather than just put her down as she takes this as rejection.

DD2 is the same age and behaves exactly as you describe OP. She is a little behind in her speech and frustrated at being unable to communicate needs, and that her giant slaves aren't always obedient.

The behaviours of very young children aren't adoption related per se- because they don't understand adoption, so I think it's important to specify what might be a concern (there are often so many potential things for us to worry about as adoptive parents).

For example, DD2 is very unlikely to have attachment concerns, and we are 18 months in now, so I have no worries making her wait a minute for a cuddle. When she hits and pulls hair, she's put down and ignored for a short period. Obviously this wouldn't be appropriate or work with a child with different needs.

Whatever consequence you choose, keep it up, be consistent and try to use distraction first. It does get easier as they get more able to reason, but frankly the next year (2-3) can be rough.

Thanks MAcha

At 2, I'd have thought that hitting, especially in a child who's having trouble communicating, is just down to frustration and being really little still. I'd be much more inclined to do distraction/redirection as a first resort.

However, watching with interest as DD is 15 months and definitely entering toddler territory!

Rain, the hitting is very much her version of play fighting. When I am tickling her brother she comes over and "slaps" at him. Not maliciously at all just what she things is joining in. She does it often but with me it is usually my face she slaps and although it doesn't hurt, she recently started nursery and I don't want her to repeat the behaviour there.