marriage breakdown before adoption order

[swimmer1984]

We adopted last summer - two children. We have had a very difficult year and after a serious betrayal from my husband I think I am ready to end the relationship. I adore my children but due to husband delaying things we have not even applied for an adoption order yet. I am worried that if we separate then I will not be able to go ahead and adopt.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

The children have both done so well and are really settled, as social workers and clinical psychologist has said. Husband has struggled the whole year and I often think I have achieved things in spite of him, not with him.

If you are assessed for adopting as a couple I don't think you can separate and adopt alone without a new assessment. I may be wrong though. Is counselling an option? Even if they appear to have settled well, those children have had a hard year and losing a parent is a lot for anyone to cope with, never mind recently placed adopted child. Hopefully someone else will come along with other advice.

We've had couple and individual sessions with a Clinical Psychologist since October 2016.

I wish I wasn't in the position where I had to consider adding to the children's experience of grief and loss.

I do know a family where the parents separated yes, the children were sadly removed as it was felt neither mum could not meet their emotional needs in the midst of her own loss.
I also know a family where mum kept the child and went on to adopt alone so it does happen.
Personally I would have to try to fix my marriage for the children, try counselling etc before you call it a day. The first year with children - especially adopted children is so so hard, but they need both parents after loosing birth parents I think another loss will be so traumatic.
I hope you can get some help for all you.

I also know a family where parents separated and the adoptive mum kept the children with the support of social services. What worked in her favour was being totally honest about the marriage breakdown and seeking support from the LA. I think she was only able to adopt after the divorce and her single assessment went back to panel for approval.

Yes I know a family who separated before the court order and the lo stayed with mum. She did have to be reassessed as a single parent though.
If you know in your heart that the marriage is over it may will be better for you and the children to let him go and get on with being happy without him. Parents in an unhappy marriage is far worse for the children, I was in that situation myself as a child and it was dire.
Good luck x

OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

You don't need to say but what does your husband want to do?

I know two families where this happened, in one case the child sadly was removed as it was felt the damage to them in the situation would be too great and the mother was assessed as not being suitable (wrong word but can't think of a better one sorry) to parent alone in the circumstances.
The second was approved as a single parent without a hitch but it did take a long while and her stbxh was very cooperative and the boundaries etc were all very clear cut, the disruption to the children was minimal.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. What does your husband say about the adoption?

Such a sad situation and can only imagine the pressure you have been through. I think it will depend a lot on your own support network, and your husband. Your husband will not be their parent.

I have definitely gone through some dark times with adoption - I had no real idea about the pressure having children puts on a relationship - especially, adopted children. Is there any chance you could try therapy to try and save the relationship? You don't say how old the children are but it will be another loss for the children.

What a horrible and tricky situation you find yourself in.

I don't often tell people this because at the time I kept it completely to myself but when we adopted the first time there was so much strain on our marriage that we split. I think it was the built up pressure of the trying to conceive and then the adoption process that put undue pressure on our marriage and after our daughter finally arrived everything just collapsed. We were lucky and managed to get some counselling and within a few months we were starting to work things out. Not sure SW would look on this favourably but we hid our problems and carried on with AO as a couple.

Is it possible you have a chance to work this out?

Im so sorry to hear this, I know our marriage has been under huge pressure over the last few years, and we've had a lot of counselling. Things still aren't brilliant but we're trying to work it out.

Would there be any chance for you trying the counselling route? I'd be tempted to try, but give it a time limit and if things still aren't working then chat with your social workers and go from there. I'd like to think your SW would support you and the kids if the placement is working.

Another factor is might your DH have post adoption depression? Not excusing his betrayal, but it might explain why he's been struggling. I had it, and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Best of luck x

swimmer does your Dh want to make it work, adopt together and of you split later heveould still be there dad? Or does he want to split now and not adopt? Or is it only you who actually wants to split up?

Sorry to hear this OP. I'm a children's SW and my advice is to be completely honest with the LA. I was involved once in a case where the adoptive parents were not forthcoming about the end of the relationship. I won't say any more other than it's not in itself a death blow to the adoption process but do resist any temptation to keep things under wraps. Good luck to you.