What do we need to know/consider/ask?

[nakatsu]

Hi all, will try to be brief!

Tomorrow we're meeting SW of a potential match for us so we can find out more. It's a sibling group of three (yes we're mad) all of whom are under 4 (told you we were mad).

Looking for any advice or guidance on what we should ask the SW tomorrow as well as things we need to seriously consider in making our decision.

Thankyouplease MN's x

We have 3 under 4s.
It is seriously seriously hard work.
I would be asking what support they intend to give you - all talk of you cannot put lo's into play group/creche without you due to attachement etc is right...but you WILL need something to get you through the day!.....at one point we paid a nanny for oldest to play at home/go to the park (after a year i think)

Adoption allowance - what are they prepared to pay? We use ours to pay for a cleaner & ironer...there are simply not enough hours in the day for me to do these chores...
Be realistic about medical & health needs....it can overwhelming at times ( our 4 adopted all have needs - only our bc doesnt)
Go with your head - not your heart.....do not look at pictures at this point. Sw will want adopters for these 3, not many will take them on ( with very good reason!). You do not need to sell yourself!
Ask if they have had a sibling trauma assesment that outlines why they need to stay together - this may become key in the future if you do become their parents and problems arise etc.....
Hth

Bostonkremekrazy thank you for your reply & advice. I have a few questions if I may?

• Adoption allowance? Where are you based & what is this? We know in our area that we may get a settling in grant & then the gov guidelines of £5k per child (max capped) for things like therapy. Is this what you mean?

• Their most recent health check was in April & they have no known hearth issues yet. Apparently they are meeting all developmental milestones too. Should we ask to see report? Do you know how thorough these are?
• They had a psych assessment (is this what you mean by sibling trauma report?) which recommended they be placed together due to having a good bond etc. Are there specific questions we could ask around this?

Sorry for all the questions, again really appreciate your advice

I would be asking about any behavioural issues, have any of them been in nursery, do they like to sleep together (same room?), is there any rivalry (be useful to know what is "normal" and what isn't when they are competing for your time and attention.)?

We mainly had questions for the FC so struggled with things to ask SW.

good luck.

Thank you luckylucky that's really helpful. I have a list of questions as long as my arm but hadn't thought to ask about rivalry or nursery so that's v helpful thank you!

An adoption allowance is paid by the placing authority and sometimes means tested. It may be for fixed period for instance until all kids are in full time education. The 5k you refer for therapy is the adoption support fund and is separate from the adoption allowance

Ok thank you. I've looked into it & we wouldn't qualify I don't think which is perhaps why we hadn't heard of it from our SW

An adoption allowance is a monthly allowance paid by the local authority for the children. ours was recommended by the panel and as such is not means tested - as i said we use it to pay for nannies/cleaners/ironing....

given you are looking at 3 you may be able to negotiate this especially if they would be asking you to give up work for a long time - are they?
My friend took on 3, and negotiated AA until the youngest (under 1 when placed) starts school - but she won't be returning to work until this time....so its in place of her salary really.....(as mine was).

you personally will never see the £5K but of course you could apply if any child placed in ENGLAND needed therapy etc.....its paid directly once you apply on behalf of the child - there is lots of talk of the amount reducing as the fund is dwindling due to overuse! (make of that what you will!) I think its £3k now.....

Medicals are fairly thorough, but depends what they are looking for - we found lots of things weren't reported properly by FC and so when our first 2 came, we had lots of medical dx within the first 6 months - fairly major ones....
Ask to see the medical reports - and read between the lines of the SW reports - ours were constantly referred to as 'busy'....this was SW speak for completely hyperactive - yet no-one had questioned their behaviour......older 2 both later dx ADHD - medicated (other siblings not with us also dx).....look for language in the reports that give clues to what they are like.
Ask to read the psych assessment too.....i'd be wondering why a baby needed to be placed with 2 older ones.....this is really for older ones benefit - why is this so important for older one? thats the biggest question?
Does oldest one try to parent baby lots? is this a problem for FC ....
(we are 8 years in, and still trying to stop our oldest trying to be the parent....it is a huge problem for DC and for us as the parents - we cannot undo this and DC is 12 now)
There is lots of evidence that says 1 at a time is so much better if possible - for the children as well as adopters - and i'm a huge huge advocate for sibling adoption.....but its not without its risks.
(we have 4 siblings)

What support will they be offering you? (financial aside)

we have a respite package for school holidays - we discounted overnight care as not appropriate for ours, so have childcare several days during the school holidays to keep our family ticking over.
This could also include a link worker post adoption, groups to plug into.....but must be discussed - once adopted it is so easy to be lost, and with 3 LO's a clear support package agreed will not be easy to wriggle out of.

hth....PM if you want more help

I'm at the tail end of intros with my two who are 6 and 4. Worth asking how they were when first placed because they're likely to regress when placed with you.

There's a clear criteria for situations where adoption allowance must be considered and adopting a sibling group is one criteria. The means test in Scotland is quite broad, there's a set process they follow so it's worth asking about, along with a setting up grant and support with legal fees. The LA will be saving a fortune in fostering fees so it's fair enough to ask for regular support.

I'd be asking about their relationships with foster carers, what that looks like day to day. We were told our two had good attachments to foster carers, the sw then went on to describe interactions and behaviours that indicated they weren't remotely securely attached.

Thank you jellycat & Boston your comments are super helpful!

How did you get on?

Really well thanks Lucky! We found out tonnes of information about them & are not put off yet. Everyone's advice was really useful & meant we got a lot more info that we would have otherwise. The SW is finding out a bit more from the FC on specific things we've asked but at the moment it all seems very positive & we are keen... will keep you posted!

Thanks for checking back 💐

Well done! It's brilliant that you had lots of information, we had loads too and it really helps. We found ourselves thinking up about what we had found out in the weeks after so keep a pad and pen handy and write it all down. Ask every single question!

Thanks Sprigofrosemary! Did you go ahead? How many LOs do you have & is it going well?

I would certainly explore the adoption allowance. They will try to fob you off, of course, because they hope you'll do it for free! You will need that money to pay for help with 3 under 4.