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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Contraception and adoption

15 replies

howmanyusernames · 01/08/2017 14:46

Were any of you asked to start using contraception by your SW?
On another site I have read that they have been asked to go back to using contraception, and several people commented they too were asked.
After 4-5 years of trying, being seen by professionals who have said it is highly unlikely I will ever conceive (naturally and IVF), I just don't know how I would feel to be asked to use contraception again?

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/08/2017 15:46

There is an expectation that you use contraception during the process - fuelled by those "we tried for years and then decided to adopt and lo and behold" type stories.

You may want to think about why you're struggling to think about contraception - it sometimes points to lingering feelings about infertility which might be worth looking at. To be honest after 15 years I wasn't about to go on the pill again so I just said we were using contraception, I've no idea what I'd have done if I'd fallen pregnant!

Original poster

howmanyusernames · 01/08/2017 16:34

I think it's more if they say 'we want you to take a pill to stop you having a baby, even though you know you can't have a baby, but we want you to do it anyway'. I'm not saying I wouldn't, more that it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to take a pill to stop something that hasn't ever happened.
I think the feelings about infertility are more anger and frustration that the 'experts' said for years there was 'nothing wrong' and there was 'no reason' we couldn't fall pregnant, but then after a failed IVF attempt it was 'Your chances of conceiving naturally and with IVF are the same, about 1%' and more that after that they had no interest in us.

It's not something I've really thought about before, and only got angry at the time (almost 2 years ago).

I wouldn't want to go back on the pill as I don't want to start taking chemicals for no reason, but condoms are an option..... ;)

OP posts:

luckylucky24 · 01/08/2017 18:05

We were told we couldn't have kids "I'm not allowed to say impossible, but if I could I would tell you it is impossible for you to conceive naturally". 6 weeks later I was pregnant! We have DS who is BC. We tried for a second but DH had gone from a handful of crap sperm to not producing at all.
We were asked to go on the pill or something and I did but kept saying to myself it didn't matter when I missed a pill as an accident wouldn't be a big deal. The further along we got the more I felt it would be an issue because we were so committed to adopting. Looking back, we had only found out that DH had stopped producing sperm about 3 months before we started the process so I still had some hope. DD is here now and I am so glad. And I still take the pill just in case as 2 is enough!

Purplemac · 01/08/2017 18:25

We are infertile and have been asked to use contraception once matching begins and it's really no big deal - I don't want to fall pregnant at that stage anyway after everything I have invested in the adoption process.

I do know a couple who, also infertile, ignored this advice and fell pregnant, they found out a week after their matching panel and cancelled the adoption. They sadly miscarried just after 12 weeks and decided they couldn't go through the adoption process again. It was really heartbreaking and not good for anyone involved.

Polomintini · 01/08/2017 18:36

For me we weren't asked and I wouldn't have liked to have that part of my life discussed. I would have said that we were not trying to conceive and that would have been it. it never came up during our process

Original poster

howmanyusernames · 01/08/2017 19:17

Thank you for the comments.
I do see why they would ask, and would do what I needed to do to progress with the process.

OP posts:

JustHappy3 · 01/08/2017 19:46

Just wanted to say i completely get where you are coming from - i felt the same. Luckily i was able to discuss those strong emotions with the social worker.
If you like it's a good exercise - here is something infuriating but has to be done. Where are you drawing strength from to get thru it. Who gets you? That's where you'll get good help from in the future.

bostonkremekrazy · 01/08/2017 19:56

howmany - we - and another close family member - are both infertile and both conceived during/after the adoption process.

we now have 5 children....we adopted, had BC and adopted again....Mine though was very much longed for and we had treatment - I doubt it would have happened naturally but like many adopters we agreed to not allow a pg to happen - SW did not ask how we would prevent it, and we did not offer the information.
My close family member found out about their pregnancy well into the second trimester and had to stop their adoption sadly.....thankfully baby was born and all ended well, but they never did go on to adopt.

Italiangreyhound · 01/08/2017 21:34

howmanyusernames we were in our forties with years of failed fertility treatment behind is and one birth child (from our thirties). It never came up.

I had felt originally after years of trying for number 2 I would really resent being asked to use contraception and thought I would not! As it was by the time we adopted my periods had stopped and actually the thought of being pregnant had gone from my mind!

I certainly would not use invasive things like the pill/coil against my will. I would just say I will use condoms.

sweetchilli77 · 02/08/2017 00:34

We had been TTC for over 7 years, and then told we need IVF. As i was nearing 40 i felt i couldn't go through all that. We went through we adoption and it was preferred that we used contraception although it was never rammed down our throats...Because its never ever had a positive test and been TTC for years, plus my age i didn't want to go on the pill....

We ended up adopting a newborn baby, 2 month later i was pregnant!!! I now have 2 babies 11 month apart.
I couldn't be more happier

Italiangreyhound · 02/08/2017 00:39

Wow sweetchilli how amazing. Congratulations on both your amazing babies.

Original poster

howmanyusernames · 02/08/2017 09:04

Some amazing stories here, and also understand why SW would ask people to use contraceptive. Thank you all!

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Mama1980 · 02/08/2017 11:07

Standard I'm afraid, just say you're using condoms.
With my youngest I was urged at one meeting quite forcefully to go on the pill as I'd had my birth son just a year before......until I tactfully pointed out the section in my medical that proves I have no uterus 😂

itsbeenaverylongweek · 02/08/2017 20:31

Our SW mentioned it to me, not to DH. I just smiled and nodded, unless it was the second coming then I felt happy we'd be safe with our crappy lack of fertility. As we're definitely no it turned out okay.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 14:17

That's lovely sweetchilli but I'd still advise you think carefully OP. What if you adopt a slightly older child, say one with some issues, then get pregnant? Could you cope? Could your adopted child cope? Could you keep your newborn safe (even birth children can get hugely jealous of a new addition to the family)? And if it really wasn't working out, then what?

Sorry to be the voice of gloom and doom but I'd really recommend actually using contraception for the period from matching til you've got your child home and are sure that a highly unlikely pregnancy would be a great thing.

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