Foster carer about to start introductions for the first time

[Tilly28]

Hi, hope you don't mind me posting on here as a foster carer rather than adopter. We are about to (in the next month/two depending on panels) start introductions for our little fosling who is just turned 2! I just wondered if anyone has advice on how we can make this as easy/enjoyable a process as possible for the new parents? Also any advice on managing this in a busy household as we have two of our own children who are under 3 too!? :-) I know it's going to be busy, and we've spoken lots to other foster carers and our SW but I just wanted to speak to adopter about how we can make this as comfortable as possible for everyone :-)

Our FC were amazing...some of the things they did

• showed/told us everything - never assumed we knew anything but weren't patronising. Sat back and let us do stuff under their knowledgable eyes.
• gave us written instructions of DD's routine, ideas of meals etc.
• made us feel at home - where to make brews etc.
• sat down at end of each day and agreed plans/how things had gone
• ideas of where was local to them for outings
• agreed the last day plans beforehand. This was key so that they got to do what it how they wanted. Made it less painful and awkward for us all. Still heart wrenching though.
• handed over lovely book of photos and keepsakes, but didn't dump lots on us!
• kept in touch. On hand to ask anything.

Intros are one of the hardest things to do as an adopter, and I'm sure it's the same for FC. So flexibility (as far as you can. I know some SW think things have to be done a set way. We worked with our FC to "tweak" the schedule to suit us both. Good luck!

Ours were brilliant at doing things to make sure we knew what we were doing without making us uncomfortable. (So 'here's their back packs with a change of clothes, you'll want to send them for a wee before you leave' the first time we took them out, and a quick, 'right you do this nappy, this bit is the front' and that kind of thing. So a bit of a combination of what you'd tell a baby sitter (he's had lunch) with a few discreet educational elements thrown in.

And once the kids were in bed on the nights we did bedtime, they'd give us a cup of tea and tell us more about them/their birth family that had never made it into the official info.

We're in the middle of intros and while it's a bloody nightmare, the foster carers have been marvellous. Things that have helped include:-

• letting us just be with our new children, not insisting on chatting or telling us what to do or how but at the start letting us find our way.
• giving a running commentary on what they were doing, e.g. X doesn't like different foods touching, as they give him a special sectioned plate, Y doesn't like being patted when upset, you need to stroke her back
• having what we needed prepared for us eg a bag with raincoats and wellies for a day in the park
• not laughing at our rookie errors (not taking jackets for us, ending up totally sodden in a thunderstorm)
• reassuring us when we were uncertain about things particularly around boundary setting
• talking about how the kids were when the first arrived, what their challenges or behaviours were
• letting us know about peculiarities of the children, e.g. one goes crazy if you give him calpol so he needs infant ibuprofen instead
• including us in family meals, thinking about what we need rather than what SW want us to do, adjusting the programme to suit both the children and all our levels of tiredness/emotion
• they've keep pointing the children to us, but are there as a touchstone if they need it - a quick cuddle and reassurance from foster carer works wonders

If your house tends to be busy do try to keep visitors away, make sure your own children are entertained so the new parents don't feel the need to engage or pay attention to them. Intros are hard, the level of emotion for all concerned is incredible - your adopters will appreciate you being so thoughtful as to ask what helps.

Hi I'm a foster carer and placed something similar to this when I did my first intros

Il be honest I handed baby over to the adoptees showed the first feed Bath discussed loads on how she liked things and didn't, routine, foods, sleep pattern but mainly left them in my front room whilst I went about my business so they could start to bond.

I asked them each night was it going ok and feedback I received was yes it was and they appreciated being left to their own devises

I must admit I was nervous as hell and it was very emotional as I had got very attached till miss her now it's a grieving process they tell me and that's how it felt at the time.

Good luck it's very exhausting and frankly for me emotionally tiring. Xx

Hurrah for you for asking and being so thoughtful about what adopters need.

I agree with everything said here. I'd also add, picking up something from another thread, providing a list well in advance of all the things the adopters will need to buy in for the LO. We need to keep everything the same as for food, washing powder, etc, and there's so much to do at home before intros, getting that list in advance to do shopping is extremely helpful.

Our FCs were fantastic & experienced.

• Referred to us as Mummy & Daddy from day 1
• First showed me how to do things, then watched as I did them, then left me to it
• Lots of detail on routine
• Starter pack for when we first took DDs out
• Gave us free run of kitchen for teas and coffees etc
• Gave us a key to their house (over and above call of duty I think)
• Sat in their summer house when we practiced bedtime so they were out of the way
• Very clear what would and wouldn't be going with the girls in way of clothes books etc
• On last day all stuff had been transferred already so a quick pop in to house, collected and waved off so they could have a good cry afterwards.

We had 4 weeks (!) of intros (2 & 8 yrs) and they were also moving another child on elsewhere at the same time. Must have been a logistical nightmare.

Four weeks is that normal with older kids ?

I don't think 4 weeks is normal even with an 8yo. The last week included a 2 night and a 3 night stay with us. Our poor younger one didn't know whether she was coming or going at the end.

I think the 4 weeks was right for DD1 and for us, but way too long for DD2.

Thanks for all the advice so far! :-) I'm really looking forward to meeting them and for little one to move to his family! Hopefully I can take on board everything you've said! I'm hoping family/friends can help with looking after my two little ones for some of the daytime visits in the first part of introductions so that the focus can be on our little Fosling! But our house does get rather busy with 3 little ones especially around dinner and bedtime!!!

Just wanted to update! Currently midway through introductions! Just rereading all your advice and hope I'm doing a good job! Everyone seems happy and it's going well so fingers crossed!!! :-) X

Just wanted to remind you to look after yourself. I have not done introductions to adopters but have rehabilitated a few babies home to birth family. It is tough - being cheerful and helpful to make the transition as smooth and positive for the child and the family - while watching the count down clock tick down I the moment you have to hand them over and say your goodbyes! Make sure you have time yourself to have a cry, to cherish a few final memories and to unload some of your grief! I hope for the sake of the lo and yourselves you get to maintain some contact with him. Thinking about you.

Thanks for the update and pleased to hear it's going well.

It's
So hard
Handing them over and as
Much as we know it's
The right thing it is very tearful x don't be afraid to cry I cried buckets were only human and it's hard not to get attached to little ones or any child young person we look after
X

Thanks for the update. Really glad it's going well.