Please help me write letterbox letter - birth mum

[LostAllTheWords]

I gave my daughter up for adoption nearly 16 years ago. I was 17 at the time, was incredibly immature, in a hugely destructive relationship and had an apparently glittering future ahead of me which would never be fulfilled if I had a child. I had three appointments for an abortion and each time I ran out. I last saw my dd when she was 10 days old.

We had a letterbox arrangement with her adopted parents whereby they wrote me and her birth father a letter every year with a picture. I was supposed to write back. They stopped writing when she was 12 as her birth father was hinting that he wanted to meet her and they felt uncomfortable. I have never written. I have bought so many different stationery sets, pens, printed out so many different photographs of myself but none are right. I don't know what to write. Everything I write down is too little or too much. I hate the thought that she might think I walked away without a second thought when my entire life has been shaped by her absence.

Please help. She'll be turning 16 soon and the letterbox agreement ends then I believe. If anyone has adopted a dd what can I write that wouldn't be too overwhelming, or upsetting. I just want her to know that she is so, so loved.

It must be a difficult letter for you to write, probably so much to say on your part.
Personally I wouldn't overload with loads of information, let her know how you are what you are doing, your interests etc. We have never received a letter back from bm, in the hope we do one day it would likely be too much if it was loaded with emotion. I'm not sure how much you can put in about how you feel, I'm sure the other adopters will be able to help.
Please write the letter though, photo's (if they are allowed) would be good to include.

Good luck x

That is so hard.

I agree about not overwhelming her, keeping it simple, but I think telling her what you've said, that she's so loved by you, is spot on. I wouldn't say anything about how what happened has impacted on you, but you could say you've thought about her every day.

You could give some basics about your family background that may fill in some blanks. You could also say something about the letters you've had, anything to show you are interested in her as a person.

Best of luck

I'm not adopted but never met my birth father until I was 30.

I always wanted to see what he looked like, know a little bit about him. And the circumstances (although I was 30 when I met him so was old enough to deal with that).

I'd keep it simple and also let her know she has been in your thoughts.

Some random thoughts:

1. The letterbox arrangement is with her parents, not the adoptee. They don't send letters to adoptees in the circumstances you describe, thought they will hold them in case the adoptee enquires later in life. You will need to get in touch with the agency who administer the letterbox. Chase the letterbox co-ordinator to confirm that it has been sent and received, don't assume- some are crap.

1. I'd write two letters: one to her parents and one to her. In the letter to her parents I would reassure them that you only want what's best for their daughter and that you don't want to upset her. I would refer to them as her parents and show that you respect their role- you have a better chance of her seeing the letter this way.

1. Agree with keep it simple: you love her, you think about her, you would like some kind of contact at some point, you will answer her questions, you won't push her. Don't go into history.

1. Understand that you may never hear from your daughter. It will be down to her whether she wants any contact. You don't have the same importance for her as she does for you. If she does, your number one priority should be her interests. Number two should be making sure her parents are comfortable. I would strongly recommend some counseling so that you can process the strong emotions this brings up and build a relationship in the right way.

You might guess that I've never had a child adopted- I can have no idea how hard this must be for you. I am adopted and I have two adopted daughters, so hopefully that perspective is useful. I'm sorry if some suggestions are a little blunt, but they are what I'd want my birth mum to know if she ever tried to contact me.

How hard this must be for you. Have you thought of seeing if there is any professional support available to you locally to help you with the letter, and perhaps some counselling? PAC UK offer birth parent support of this nature. They might be able to signpost you if you are not in their area. Link is here: www.pac-uk.org/firstfamily/

In our LA, letterbox continues until they are 18, though that might vary from LA to LA I guess.
At 18 they have the choice to

• stop letterbox
• take it over themselves (until 25)
• parents continue until they are 25

I think you have had fab advice on what to write, so I'm not going to repeat that. One thing to be aware of. If she is going to be 16 after 1st Sept then she will be entering her GCSE year. If I were in her adoptive parents shoes I might hold on to any 'out of the blue' letter until end June to try to ensure nothing throws her off course during that important academic year. If she is turning 16 before 1st Sept then she may be about to start A levels etc.

I would maybe write to the parents first, saying you want to make contact and when would be a good time. Or write a letter to be passed on, and ask to know when they might do that for least disruption rather than expecting it to be immediate. That would show you are thinking of the well being of your DD which would allay fears from the adoptive parents side.

Best wishes.

Thank you all for your advice, particularly donquixote. The letter would be addressed to her parents. I know that if I write directly to her then it will be returned. Her birth father dd this several times, addressing her using the name we gave her at birth which her adoptive parents changed. He and his family have written constantly - holiday photos, details of distant cousins who got married, everything. It got to the point the adoptive parents wrote in one letter (I receive the same letter as the birth father) that they really don't think this information is helpful and to stop, basically.

I obviously want to make sure I'm not doing similar to birth father and unnecessarily intruding or trying to be a part of something that I'm not. I just want her to know she is loved and remembered. Two or three sentences after 15 years just seems little when I write it down thought. Is that really enough? For me just to say that I'm sorry I've never written before but I didn't know where to start. X is so loved and constantly in my thoughts. Over the years the letters and pictures you've sent me have bought me so much joy to see her having such a brilliant childhood in such a loving family.

I think what you've written in your last post sounds perfect. You sound very balanced and thoughtful about something which must be incredibly difficult to do.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it being short. Fwiw, I really appreciate getting letters from my DD's birth mum. I struggle to know what to say in my letters and find it a tough thing to do emotionally so I can only begin to imagine how hard it is for her to write back. If I received a letter like you are planning to send which was honest about how hard it had been to write before, and that the letters you've received from them have brought you joy then I would be incredibly touched.

As PPs have said your daughter may not want to get in touch yet (or I guess ever) but by writing you are opening up the lines of communication should she want to at any point in the future.

I wish you all the very best with it.

I'm glad my suggestions were useful OP, you are most welcome.

I think if you are writing to her parents, you will be fine with a few paragraphs. I'd keep the core message, that you want your daughter to know, fairly simple.

Its hard to generalise about adoptive parents but I think almost all would be pleased to receive a thoughtful and kind letter from BPs. They will have thought a lot about you over the years and knowing that you are OK will be important to them.

They will understand why it was so hard to write. They would certainly love to hear that their letters were so positively received. I think they would appreciate hearing that you understand why they stopped contact- that won't be a decision taken lightly.

Most important of all (if you aren't doing so) please seek professional support as suggested upthread. Advice from PAC or similar and counselling. You've not felt able to write for 16 years- things are going to be very raw for some time to come. It can be very hard to open up to people about such personal issues, but you owe it to your daughter to do this the right way, and you know it's the smart move. Taking that first step to get support is no harder than writing this letter. (Apologies if this is stating the bleeding obvious- not meant to be patronising).

I hope it goes well for you.

Please do write, even a short letter. As an adopted person I have just received a letter my birth mother wrote about me almost fifty years ago and it means everything to know how much she loved me.

lostallthewords you have my sympathy, it sounds like it has been very tough for you .

I think you have had great advice on this thread.

Please, please do write.

I think maybe in time you may be able to establish some kind of contact or relationship if she chooses, I hope so.

I hope one day you will be able to explain the story to her so she will understand how much you have loved her.

Please do get counselling and advice. After Adoption is an organisation you could try.

Please do not leave it any longer. You owe it to her and to yourself - a short letter, respectful to her adoptive parents, a letter for her, via them or left on file, take advice (personally I would do both, letter via them and left on file).

I am sorry, this must have been so hard for you.

Ps I gave a birth dd close to 13 and a son by adoption close to 7. We have contact with ds's birth mum and if he chooses to 'find her' one day we will be supportive.

I can understand why your dd's adoptive parents stopped letter box but I think it is a shame. I hope your letter will be a way of establishing contact with them. Please do speak to After Adoption of you can. Sorry hard to link on phone but will try.

www.afteradoption.org.uk

I have a birth dd not gave a.....