Approved and waiting!

[DW1973]

Hi new to mumsnet, we were approved last dec process taken 2yrs, already got birth child of 10, was told few wks ago we had match and that if it was to fall through it would be upto us as they were very keen, finally after hols etc met his workers and foster mum, then to be told that there was another family involved (apparently they had informed our sw but she really had no clue to this) after quick meetings they decided he should go to other family to say we are heartbroken is an understatement! I can see why people dont go through with this but after 2yrs i dont want to give it all up but cant face the heartbreak again! Has anyone had anything similar?

Sorry to hear this. Our LA don't tell more than one family about a child as the process is hard enough without all this added stress. I hope you hear good news soon.

If we knew from the off set that more there was more interest it wouldnt be so bad we even saw birth & nursery pics so we felt even more positive, i feel they should do that too but dont want to complain as i know they dont have an easy job, thank you we hope so too!

So sorry its taking so long for you. The matching process is awkward to start with, it must be very difficult feeling on hold for so long.

Two years is a very long time to get approved (perhaps unless you are in NI). 7 months is not unusual for matching, our agency typically tell people to expect a year.

"i feel they should do that too but dont want to complain as i know they dont have an easy job"

I think you may wish to consider whether you are taking the most effective approach to matching. In my experience of the adoption system and conversations with a lot of adopters, the recurring theme is the need to push for what you want. It's not how things should be, but we are 8 years into austerity.

There is a lot you can do to increase your chances during matching, if you want to. How have you searched so far? Have you had many other potential matches?

The 2 yr included prep groups etc aswel, we'r looking at the online register we'v enquired into a few but at 1st our profile wasnt on correctly-found out after 2month on it- then we'v had 2 follow ups the 1st we knew there was alot of interest but this one we were under impression that we were only ones crossed wires in sw departments i think, we attended an exchange day but found it very emotional, our sw has approached us with 1 match but we all felt it was too close an area, its so hard to stay positive at the moment.

"The 2 yr included prep groups etc aswel"

I'm not sure what prep groups are? Unless you mean the normal adopter training?

The statutory timescale for adoption approval is 6 months. I've never met anyone who took longer from our agency, though I know some do- usually medical concerns needing more detailed reports.

I've heard of people taking years and it often seems to me to be a sign of a very poor agency. Of course if there are specific reasons in your case, please don't feel you have to share, I'm just surprised.

"its so hard to stay positive at the moment."

The idea of having to choose what you will and won't accept in a child, then looking at all these profiles of children and their heartbreaking stories is hard. Nobody finds matching easy. I promise that being a parent is fantastic and it's worth all the hassle.

We were pretty assertive about how we approached matching and so it was brief but intense for us. It has to go at the pace that's right for you, but maybe taking a little more control might make you feel more positive? It's also a very random and arbitrary process and we were lucky.

Prep groups are training and speaking to different people thats involved thats before all medicals etc even started think it was to see if we'r up for it, Thats whats keeping going knowing of what we can have together as a family, i think il be having a word with our sw and pushing things abit more although shes been really helpful i feel shes sat back and let us do our own searching, we'r through our local council authority there was alot of holidays/sickness etc during our process(not on our part) i will speak to her and raise my concerns this week if anything it will get it off my chest, thank you for your advice.

I think that's a good plan. It can require quite a lot of chasing and badgering to get support for your kids needs (if they end up having such), so it does no harm to get practice now :-). It needn't be confrontational if done with a big smile and positive tone.

There are two national registers, NAR and CWW. If you aren't on both, I'd get on them, even if you have to pay yourselves. If your PAR summary hasn't been sent to nearby authorities yet, I'd ask for that.

The quality of your PAR and your summary leaflet make the biggest difference to winning a competitive match; these days I'd assume any match you are put in for might be competitive. I'd have a re-read and see if there are any little tweaks that need making to have it sell you as well as possible, even stuff like the photo matters.

Matching is (depressingly) a marketing exercise. Its a hard truth to get your head around, but once you have a child placed it seems unimportant in comparison.

Which area is that? Im in scotland so we'r on the scottish register im going to enquire if it stretches to the full uk. I have a birth son of 11 hes my husbands step son so we'v had our hurdles but like you say once you have your family nothing beats it we just want to add this one more piece to our jigsaw fingers crossed!

It's not that unusual for the process to take a while in Scotland. The statutory limits only apply in England and Wales and I know a number of couples who took a good while to get through approval. It took us 3 years because of health issues during the process, bereavement etc. We were approved in September and meet our DC this week so, having been approved in December, depending on your matching considerations, it's not out of the ordinary to be waiting for a match still. Our DC were on linkmaker - your sw needs to have put you on linkmaker if you haven't been matched within 3 months of approval but it's a fairly new system for some local authorities.

Try not to loose hope - we've been 4 year in the system and most folk I know who have adopted in Scotland have had a similar timescale from first interest to kids moving in.

As in all forums related to adoption when posting about timeframes, legalities, protocols etc it is always best to post what part of the U.K. you are in ie. England, Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland. Frustratingly the adoptive system and laws are actually hugely different in all four regions and so the advice and suggestions need really to come from people who have experience of the system where you are applying from. As you can imagine the majority of posters are English due to sizeof popularion and the timings, speed of application and often matching tends to be much quicker than other areas of the U.K. For example I think it is only England and possibly Wales that have the 6 month timeframe to complete approval. I don't think (although I am not From Scotland so can't be sure) 2 years from application to matching is at all unheard of. Hopefully others from Scotland will be along to help. You could try adoption uk forum where I know there are a lot of Scottish users.

It's also worth knowing that the system in Scotland is generally much less competitive than elsewhere - after initial discussion about matching considerations they don't talk to other people about a child unless it's clear you aren't going ahead with them. It may be the case early on that 2/3 adopters may express interest in the same child but that does quickly whittle down - usually because one LA is more proactive than the others rather than anything about the adopters.

A lot of the info on the adoption boards is great for England but the timescales and terminology used are quite different north of the border. Your PAR is the form F that would have gone to approval panel and you can't really change that now - but remember you were approved based on its content and will be matched from there, it just takes a bit longer up here.

Sorry for some repetition of jellycat, our posts overlapped lol! But our sentiments were the same and glad to see she confirmed my thoughts re. Scotland.

Thanks i appreciate it, we'r on linked but it feels like a competition! Our last enquiry we were told we were the only ones but then the sw was on hol and another family came forward i know they have to do whats best for the child but if we knew from the offset theyr saying they told our sw but i could tell she was as shocked as we were, didnt help that the foster mum showed us all nursery photos etc so we were positive about it, think things really need to be looked at

Just about the want to complain, we made a complaint during our process but for an error of conduct on the side of SW. What you have experienced is not worth complaining about.
Friends of our were unofficially matched with a DD before she was even approved for adoption. There were delays in SS getting the case through courts and they tried to complain but were told if they did they wouldn't find them a child.

"Im in scotland so we'r on the scottish register im going to enquire if it stretches to the full uk."

Apologies for the incorrect info, with hindsight I was aware it can take longer in Scotland (though I didn't realise two years for approval was common) and should have asked. I don't think there is any reason Scottish adopter can't use CWW and NAR- does anyone know?

"Your PAR is the form F that would have gone to approval panel and you can't really change that now"

Stuff like spelling and grammar error are common, and I think they make a difference; however if giving out the one page summary I think that is a pretty important tool and that can be changed.

"What you have experienced is not worth complaining about."

I don't think OP is in any way considering an official complaint- I certainly wouldn't suggest that. I do think that it can feel hard to challenge SWs early in the process, and that actually (done the right way) it's a pretty essential skill.

I dont like to complain as i know we arent the only ones going through this, emotions are high just now i dont want anything else to affect this its hard enough witout adding more stress it'l just be a passing comment rather than a complaint will just have to sit back and let it take its course...and be more patient! Thank you 😊

I'm really surprised that other people were being considered at the time you met the foster carers, by that point usually the workers know enough about you and you the children to know whether it's likely to work out and stop talking to other potential adopters. It sounds like a mistake somewhere - especially if the foster carers were sharing pictures etc.

Might be worth talking through how hard this has been with your social worker and asking about the process for any future linking process. Sometimes wires get very crossed when links happen across authority areas but it's awful for you.

Different authority areas do initial processes differently but the initial information is usually via your profile on linkmaker - it's worth checking that to see if you feel it reflects you. Tbh this part of the process - the looking at profiles, expressing interest in children etc was the worst part by far, much harder than getting to approval.

I think your comment about being a competition is spot on. Being an old adoptive parent I found some SWs played with our emotions. One authority came 250 miles and SW said they had another family interested so my mind went into overdrive and I replied as we had not met said child if another authority approached us as they had we would go with that LA. Guess what 09.00 next morning
phonecall asking us to stay with them!

This also happened with DC6 and it was true another LA was interested and they said, after we went to make more coffee please dont. Are SWs aware of prospective adopters feelings, they would perhaps be a bit more diplomatic.

Meant to add please do not give up it is worth it.
Good luck.

Thanks everyone il have a good chat with my sw and make our feelings quite clear-without blaming anyone, we dont want to give up after this long we know we'd regret it! Will keep you all updated thanks again!

Just to update i spoke to our sw and she is going to question how this happened to us also her senior said it was quite cruel, she insisted its not normal practice,i know it wont improve our situation but hopefully lessons will be learned and no one else will have to go through the same thing, we'r having a few days away and giving ourselves a few wks break from linked but not giving up! Thanks again!

I'm glad they're going to look into it - it's really unusual for you to be meeting foster carers is there's another couple also in the mix, they usually pick one couple to go forward with very early on. Have a break, get some rest and regroup - this set back will make it all the sweeter when you do find your own little one(s).