Interesting perspective from BPs on letterbox contact...

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

Not really much point to this post other than to validate the parents who struggle with feeling beholden to birth parents. Ive read several posts about 'towing the line' with letter box contact due to the agency suggesting that rocking the boat may lead to BPs withdrawing from the agreement and feeling like it's all set up in BPs favour. I'm currently doing a piece of work with some BPs (an interesting insight for me as someone who is planning to apply to adopt soon...haven't told them that but) and guess what...they say exactly the same thing!! Their child was placed for adoption several years ago. There are some parts of the letters that they find very difficult but if they raise it with the agency they are told not to challenge it as APs could decide to stop writing the letters.

No real point to this post but it was a bit of a light bulb moment as what they were saying was the same as what I've read a lot of people say on here so thought it might be of some small consolation to know that the feeling is mutual on the other side!

I find this really interesting. I know I'm in the minority but I love penning the letters to BM and receiving hers back. I see it as a really positive thing and put a lot of thought and effort into what I write. I hope that comes across to her.

What kind of things did they find hard? I can imagine hearing of your children living a lovely rosy life with people you don't know can't be easy.

Yes, they find it hard to hear of extended family being referred to and don't like any information about people other than their BC. They love getting the letters and getting updates on the child themselves but find it really difficult (bordering on traumatic...they ruminate on it obsessively for months and months and conversation always manages to loop back round to the subject) hearing about other people involved in the child's life. I'd imagine the APs are hoping to reassure that the child is safe, settled and welcomed into the family but it seems to be too painful for them to hear this.

I'd imagine writing the letters is a lovely way for you to take stock and reflect on progress and events over the last year/six months and I'm glad to hear it's something you enjoy.

We have only had one exchange so far but mentioned no one other than DD. They don't want to hear about anyone else. We also tried hard not to rub their noses by telling them about all the lovely things we have done. I cannot imagine how hard it is for BF to read.

I know, it's gut wrenching to hear them speak about it. Since we made the decision to pursue adoption it's been interesting to hear their perspective. There's so little support for BPs...they're given a leaflet with a number to call for support...if they didn't have the skills, motivation and capacity to access support before their child was placed in care they're even less likely to do so when there's nothing left for them to lose. Seems so harsh.

Sounds like you guys are very thoughtful in how you write your letters. I'm sure that's really appreciated by your children's BPs or at least makes receiving the letters positive for them and encourages them to keep responding

Thank you for your post op we have just been linked. I have done a lot of research and reading throughout the process and I have found it difficult to find the voice of the bps as it is not greatly represented. Do you have any thoughts on why so few ever write back and engage with letterbox as this seems quite common, do they just find it too painful I guess?

This needs to be looked into and services needed to be offered to birth mothers there are so many mothers that go on to have other children which are then removed. Birth mothers need counselling and help in regards to the trauma of loosing a child.

I am a foster carer and moved a child in to adoption last year I grieved for this child (even with the promise of knowing I would see her again once the child has settled with adopters), so I can only imagine what poor birth mothers have to go through.

That's really interesting OP. I always refer to our birth dd as our daughter and never our son's sister, for that reason. And I may only mention her once, if at all, in a letter. I;d never mention extended family.

It would be interesting to hear some more anonymous insights, please.

Thanks.

Personally I would think whatever prospective adopters put will be traumatic for adoptive parents as letters are reminding them of the trauma almost retraumitising birth parents (the ones who haven't dealt with the trauma) so anything an adoptive parent Mam puts will be traumatic. But just my thoughts ...

annoyedand but would having no news at all be more traumatic, in the long run?

Yes I think it would so I don't think there's an easy answer... (well apart from counselling and support for birth mothers) and I also think the letter contact will be valuable for the children adopted.

But again these are
Just my thoughts I'm no expert..

I agreed annoyed, when we unpicked the parts they found distressing some were completely unavoidable without withdrawing from the contact agreement. we all agreed that it wasn't necessarily the content of the letter that was a problem; it could have said anything and they'd have still found it painful (e.g. Child's likes and dislikes weren't things they would have chosen for them) the pain came from the fact it was someone else doing it with the child when in their mind they are still the child's parents and they should be doing those sorts of things with them. I guess that bit that people can do to minimise distress and keep the dialogue going is remaining child focussed and not going into detail about other people. It's all personal choice and what one parent finds hard is different to another. I don't want the purpose of the post to be misconstrued as giving advice on how to do letterbox contact to make it palatable for birth parents but a couple of replies asked for further info.

I guess the point of the post was to validate that the process can be frustrating and difficult on both sides as posts I've seen have talked about how parents feel they're having to 'pander' to BPs and it sounds like BPs feel similar.

Italian, think that's a great way to refer to your daughter. It acknowledges that she is part of your DS's life but worded sensitively. I'm trying hard to not be too identifying but the real sticking point for this family references to extended family such as grandad or auntie Brenda and what they like to do together with the LO. Again, not suggesting anyone stops doing this as this is just the perspective on just one family. One thing they do seem to love is reading about the child's strengths/interests and thinking about which of them the child might take after. They also acknowledge that the child is safer where they are now but that doesn't stop the pain of knowing they'll never see them again.

Bella...I agree, it think it's extremely painful and much easier to avoid that to face up to that loss. I think provably one of the other biggest factors is a chaotic and transient life style, addresses and phone numbers change week on week so it's easy for people to go off radar as well as lose their access to services contact details. Years ago I moved one birth mum several times in the space of two years. She was also a leaver. Her belongings dwindled down from property to property. First time she was fleeing DV there were two children, a bump, several pets and her. Several carloads of things. By the time her forth or fifth child was placed for adoption she was pregnant again, I dropped her at a hostel with a Sainsbury's carrier bag that contained very little; a warm fleece that she'd found (that was a piece of someone's work uniform, had a company work logo on it) a scan pic from one of her pregnancies and a very ratty copy of her birth certificate. That many house moves meant we found it really hard to keep track of her. Phones go into cash converters within days of buying them.

Another issue may be literacy...not being able to read or write a letter or just not knowing what to put. In my experience BPs are in a much worse position once children are placed for adoption as they have no reason to even try and keep it together and often use substances to self medicate. If they're in this situation then often surviving day to day is their priority if we think in terms of the hierarchy of needs.

thank you - this is a useful reminder that it's nearly the time of year when we need to write our contact letters.

I do always try to put myself in the birth parents' shoes, but it's very hard. I'm especially torn on what to say about problems - I don't want to give them any cause for concern, but it also feels disingenuous to suggest that everything is hunky dory when we have been have some real challenges of late