Where can I find advice on whether we can adopt a friends' baby

[TrainedGiant]

We have their children and have never needed to consider adoption. We have mulled over having a fourth child but pregnancy is hard on me and we decided against it.

We have au pairs and have always been very close to them. Our au pair from last year has gone home but has discovered she is pregnant. She has been in touch to say she can't keep the baby but doesn't want to abort. She wants to put the baby up for adoption but her first choice is for us to adopt the baby as she has lived with us, seen what we are like as parents and what our children are like as siblings. She also knows we wanted a fourth.

We are honoured and bowled over but before we get excited I need to know if it's even possible. The baby arrives in 4 months and we have obviously never been cleared for adoption. Do we have to go through the normal lengthy process?

What do you do in this situation? Who do we get advice from? A lawyer? Social services?

Are you based in the uk? If so you'd need to go through your local authority approval process but they won't assess you for a particular child - they'll assess your suitability to be adoptive parents generally. I'm not sure about what sounds like a private arrangement with a former employee - if she's serious about wanting her child to be adopted she will also need to speak to her local authority but I don't know that she would be able to choose the adoptive parents.

It's a complex moral and legal issue but for both of you your starting point is talking to your local fostering and adoption team in social services.

Thanks. I am in the U.K. She is in the USA.

There may be a cultural difference at play then, in the US it's not that unusual for a pregnant woman to decide to give her baby up for adoption and to chose the family she wants but it's pretty much unheard of here. Best to talk to your local authority because it would be considered an overseas adoption and they'll have processes in place but it's likely to take longer than 4 months I'm afraid.

Is she planning to give birth in the USA or the Uk?

If it's in the US then it becomes an overseas adoption which is complicated and very expensive.

Either way you need to be approved by an adoption agency here in the uK, as that's where you are resident.

AFAIK you CAN be approved for a specific child , but you'd need to check.

Is your former au pair going to use a a lawyer or an adoption agency in the US?

She has the right to reside here so the idea is she would give birth over here. But there are clearly hugely complicated issues to address before we can think of that.

I called my Borough adoption team earlier today. They were very discouraging. They barely offered to help. Told me I should not assume that I am the best for this baby and that my kids are very young to consider adopting another. My youngest is 4 and a half! I am rather stuck for ideas of how to try and progress this. I might try to ask a lawyer for advice.

I'm not surprised by their response to be honest, it's unusual in the uk to apply for adoption with a particular child in mind and they will be concerned at you going into the process with a fixed outcome in mind. Besides which I think initial enquiries often get a less than enthusiastic response just to see how determined you are - believe me, if their lack of helpfulness is enough to put you off now you'll be climbing the walls when the assessment process starts.

Have a chat to your lawyer, think about why this child now and go back to social work for a fuller discussion possibly with the team leader or senior.

Thanks.

I have done lots of reading and research today. I think that maybe we could foster as a family or friend carer, starting with a private arrangement between the mother and us and with us notifying the local authority who would then assess us as foster caters while the baby is already with us. Then we could apply to be assessed for adoption of the baby while we fostered it.

The idea is that the mum would always have lots of contact with the baby too and I want her to know that if she changes her mind in the first few months we would support her in whatever she wanted to do. So maybe it's best to start with a fostering arrangement.

You say the mother has the right to reside in the uk. Will the infant?

Is the father involved at all?

If the baby is born here then it will have the right to reside.

The dad is in New Zealand. He was a one night stand. He's 19 too.

Good luck Op. Could you talk to PACT. Or other private adoption agency? It's unusual for a parent to choose the adopter but it's also unusual for the birth parent to relinquish in the UK.

I think she needs to be very sure, but if she is I don't see why you would not be a good choice for her baby, as long as you are fully prepared for all that adoption can bring.

Social services not being helpful is just a thing, I think they like to be in control but clearly would not be here so that may have out their back up!

Sorry PACT is NOT private! It is a voluntary agency! That is what I meant.

OP you are correct that you can be assessed to foster a specific child in England then later on apply for an adoption order. An adoption order does not necessarily mean no future contact with birth parents. The international aspect would make it more complicated so if she's serious she should ensure that she gives birth here.

Thanks all.

We definitely want regular contact with the birth mother. She chose us because she feels like we are her second family, we want that to continue, so this would be like adopting the child of a niece or nephew who would remain in our extended family and in touch. The child would always know it had two mums: birth mum and me.

Because of this I am very happy for it to be started as a foster relationship. As I said before, if she decides she wants to raise the baby once it's born then I would try and make that work for her. Maybe even have them both live with us for a few months. But if she wants us to raise the baby then that is lovely too. The only problem with he uncertainty is how to prepare our children.

I would suggest you prepare your children that it is a temporary foster arrangement. Do not tell them initially it could be permanent. Also do not lead them to believe they will have a decision to make or that they may be the deciding factor. More children entering a family is decided by parents and not children usually.

TrainedGiant have you thought through the implications and 'what ifs' of not having full parental responsibility if you have a private fostering arrangement?
What if this baby becomes your much loved fourth dc and then the birth mother at some point decides she's in a better place now and wants him/her back?
What if her family or the birth father's family decide they want to take the dc at any point? (They'd probably be favoured over you if it came to court)
What if the birth mother strongly disagrees with choices you make or an aspect of your child-rearing and refuses to agree to it?
What if the baby is born with severe disabilities? Would you still cope and want to take on a disabled 4th dc? How would that affect your current dc?
What if you decide at some point that contact with your dc's birth mother is not good for your dc? Would you be able to reduce contact?

I'm not saying any of this to put you off but you really need to take professional advice and make sure you have watertight agreements and absolute understanding with the mother and your entire family about what exactly your relationship will be with this child. There is so much potential for heartache here but also for joy. I wish you all well.

All really good questions Haffdonga. I know this is huge and we have a lot to consider.

I talked to the birth mother earlier today and she's not as keen on the fostering idea. She says she is sure she wants to give the baby up and she's sure she wants us to raise it and she needs to know the baby is sorted and not in a temporary situation.

But I'm not sure we can give her that certainty as it will take a while to get cleared for adoption.

I will continue trying to contact agencies that can help in the morning. It all feels a bit insurmountable right now.

halfdonga good questions to ask.

A thorough adoption assessment will give you a process for addressing all of those potentially difficult questions and for talking to your birth children. I'd want early advice on the situation with birth Dad, does he know about the pregnancy, is he ok with the adoption plan etc. If he pops up out of the blue you could be in for a drawn out process of him proving paternity, legally challenging etc.