Not sure if I need to vent, cry or ask for advice…

[mumto3boysHE]

I have lurked on this board for a long time but rarely post. I never feel qualified to help anyone else out as I have little experience in areas that seem to pop up on here but I have shamelessly lurked.

Eldest DS is just turned 19. He’s working, doing a job he loves and has really matured over the last year. Last week he made a stupid dangerous error, which, combined with a recent lack of attention, has earned him a Final Written Warning. He was called in, with me, to see his boss who read him the riot act and basically gave him 3 months to sort himself out. His boss is great, a small family firm, he knows DS is adopted but obviously doesn’t know any details.

The whole thing came as a shock to me and DH. We had no inkling that things were not going well.

DS is also struggling to pass him driving test (failed 4 times). And each time it’s quite a few minors and 1 Serious/Dangerous.

We had already spoken to DS about his driving and had just arranged for him to see a hypnotherapist to help him with the test. We also hoped that he could get help for his fear of needles as well. DS said he didn’t really believe in all that ‘mumbo-jumbo’ but changed his mind after he had a mock test with his instructor and passed with flying colours…

Anyway, we went for the first meeting at the weekend. Looks like he has a high state of anxiety at all times. This will be why he struggled at grammar school (we pulled him out in year 8 and home educated him) and why he’s struggling to concentrate at work. And I think the needles might stem from drug abuse in the birth home when he was very young.

The protection he put into place himself when he was little to keep him safe is now stopping him getting on with his life. He said when we came home that he feels like a 6 year old in a 19 year old’s body!

I just want to wrap him up in a big hug and tell him everything’s going to be fine. Actually, I have told him that but he doesn’t really do big hugs!

Our boys have been the easiest kids to raise. Loud, busy, always on the go, did I mention loud? No trouble, no tempers, they’re open, not withdrawn. They’ve had none of the usual behavioural or emotional traumas that you would usually expect with looked-after children. We have been extremely lucky and so have they. They had excellent SS intervention over a number of years prior to being taken into care and very good foster carers. But the trauma is still there and it has to come out somehow. I’m thankful we can (hopefully) help DS now before he spirals downwards.

I can’t mention this to anyone else. I really don’t want to worry my DM. She would worry and then question me constantly and she would discuss it with my sister who has 3 children who have always excelled (uni, work etc) I just know the subject of HE would come up again and be blamed for every other problem or ailment that I might mention, despite the fact that all 3 boys are now doing what they want to do with their lives and barely a GCSE between them.

I’m now thinking we missed all the signs and that we could have intervened earlier to help DS.

[mumto3boysHE]

ooops... that was long, sorry.

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Sorry things are tough for your eldest right now, but what shines through your post is what a lovely young man he sounds and what a close relationship you have.

Try (although we all do it) not to beat yourself up with wanting to have sought intervention earlier. He needs it now, you're supporting him now.

for you.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

My eldest has recently turned 18, after 8 years of relatively easy parenting the last 2 have been very bumpy.

I’m now thinking we missed all the signs and that we could have intervened earlier to help DS

That's how I feel/felt too. But we aren't experts in dealing with traumatised/neglected/abused/whatever children. You can only do the best you can, try to spot things and help them. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and so much better than foresight. You need to try to think of all the positive things you have helped with. It sounds like you recognised issues hence HE etc. You can only do so much. Hope you get things sorted.

[flapjackfairy]

I have grown up birth children as well as a fc and 1 adopted. I think it is normal to look back and feel you missed things and could have done it better. I know i would do some things v differently if i could do it again. Experience is the great teacher and we all muddle through at times. But honestly you sound like wonderful parents who have raised 3 lovely young men. No mean feat at all so dont beat yourself up.
I hope your son passes his test next go and that he gets the help he needs at work . Best wishes