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Original poster

Stupid things said to adopters

48 replies

Peppaismysaviour · 02/07/2017 19:44

The comments of 'real' mum and dad have been on my mind with final court dates happening. People might not understand how hurtful this is to me after a year of being our little girl's mummy.
One thing that sticks in my mind from early stages was a close work friend saying to big group when I had left the room "I don't know how she can do it, I couldn't. I want my own proper children". How is my daughter not proper?

What stories have others got of the utterly ridiculous or upsetting things you've heard about adopting?

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 23/07/2017 19:45

I've been pretty lucky with people's reactions so never feel I have much to contribute to these threads but I got a humdinger from an inlaw's relative this weekend: "you couldn't have got a better looking one". Shock Like we'd picked her from a CATALOGUE!

He was only being nice (and she is gorgeous, not that I'm biased Grin) but it just had a touch of Battersea Dogs Home about it.

And like Kew I feel intensely uncomfortable when people tell us we're doing something wonderful. DD is not a charity case. She's the light of our lives and we're lucky to have her.

bellasuewow · 04/08/2017 11:49

'Well atleast you get a trial period' eg when the child moves in after intros. As in, you can try them out and then send them back to miss Hannigan if it all goes pear shaped.
I had explained that if adoption breaks down then you cannot adopt again and got a ' even if it is their ( the child's) fault?'
None of this would be said or considered to people having a birth child.

mrsRosaPimento · 04/08/2017 12:16

I told an adoptive mother her baby looked like her. He did but I shouldn't have said that.

Rufus27 · 04/08/2017 12:50

MrsRosa I wouldnt think that would have caused offence. It makes me smile when people say DS (adopted) looks like me or DP.

2old2beamum · 04/08/2017 15:18

When our beautiful boy died (he came to us with short life expectancy) a colleague of DH said well it is not like losing your own. DH not known for tact told her to f..k off what the hell do you know.
Angry

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 04/08/2017 16:00

MrsRosa I had people in the past saying that to me. Didn't bother me, just somewhat surprising as we look nothing like each other. However my DDs have picked up some of my mannerisms so that gives a 'likeness' I suppose.

bellasuewow · 04/08/2017 17:17

Bloody hell 2old2be 🍷💐

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/08/2017 17:21

Sounds like your DP gave the only appropriate response 2old2be.

Quetzalcoatl777 · 05/08/2017 11:07

Adoptee here:
When my also adopted sister died aged 20 in a tragic accident and I needed time off for the funeral etc. my then boss commented " Not a blood relative I understand" and then went on to tell me how badly he had been affected by the death of his octogenarian " real" father.
Still stings years later.

2old2beamum · 05/08/2017 12:40

Quet I feel your anger.Angry You never get over it do you?

Kewcumber · 05/08/2017 15:00

Quet sadly living with your birth family doesn't guarantee you aren't an arse it seems.

When/if we get off comments or questions in front of DS - I just roll my eyes and say to DS "People just don;t understand because they haven't experienced it"

I think that's true. (In addition to them being big enough arses to not keep it to themselves)

Starfishbanana101 · 05/08/2017 18:17

I was told recently that 'I must be an angel' to do what I do ie be an adoptive parent. I just smiled politely and said we're so happy and lucky to have DS, he's the most incredible, gorgeous little thing in the world. I'm no angel though, just a mother trying to hold my shit together with all the other mums.

Kewcumber · 06/08/2017 11:57

Actually I did get a new one recently.

DS has a diagnosis of an executive processing disorder caused probably by a combination of being a 26 week premmie and a year following in an orphanage. He's doing brilliantly at the moment and has generous EHCP provision but has at times had problems in school obvious to everyone.

He is also very charming and handsome.

At our yr 6 leaving party one of the mums I have known for 7 years and barely had more than a few sentence conversations with said to me in a very concerned "gentle" tone (with appropriate head tilt)

"DH and I have discussed your DS and what he needs is a male influence. But sadly although DH would like to do it, I didn't think he had the time so we didn't do it".

I had so many issues with that statement that I could only manage:

"It's a little more complicated than that"

Rainatnight · 06/08/2017 15:04

Kew Shock ShockShock

So many things wrong with that, I don't know where to start.

Kewcumber · 06/08/2017 19:54

It was actually worse (and longer) than I've portrayed with her begging me to stay in tough after primary. Which baffled me somewhat as we've barely passed more than the time of day in 7 years.

She said "I was only last week talking about you to my mum"

I said something along the lines of "EH, you what?! Why?"

"I was telling her about this marvelous woman who at a certain age decided to go off and do this wonderful/selfless/altruistic (can;t remember the exact description only the sentiment) thing..."

I'm hoping she doesn;t read the adoption section of MN as it will be a VERY identifiable conversation.

PS was 40 when I adopted DS not 76

B1rdonawire · 07/08/2017 17:53

Good grief Kew, you mean they let you adopt at that age even with your zimmer frame? Did they not check you had your own teeth?

If only you'd known her DH was capable of such magic sooner - if he's that desperate to work miracles based on his mere testosterone, it's a shame not to stay "in touch" long enough to give him a list of DIY jobs that need sorting starting with clearing the gutters and rodding the drains perhaps

joangray38 · 07/08/2017 17:58

As the adoptee - when my gran died (who I adored) "don't know why you are upset. She wasn't your 'real' grandma"

dharlie99 · 07/08/2017 18:45

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Kewcumber · 07/08/2017 19:38

Joan oh to have the chance to say to that person when their DH dies "don't know why you're upset he wasn't 'real' family"

Kewcumber · 07/08/2017 19:41

B1rd - apparently his testosterone is so magic that it works better than my Dad's or my brother's.

To be fair they don't actually know me well enough to know I have a real male father and a brother too.

Did I just say "to be fair"?! Confused

joangray38 · 07/08/2017 19:44

I hadn't thought of that, will keep it for future. Was to gobsmacked to think of a snappy response @Kewcumber

Kewcumber · 07/08/2017 19:59

Much easier to think of a pithy reply when you're behind a keyboard not standing mouth open with murder in your heart joan

Mittens1969 · 14/08/2017 09:29

What I don't like is comments like 'What a lovely life you're giving your ADs', as if they somehow deserve less because they're adopted. Another one is that they're so lucky to have us. To me that belittles the painful things they have had to cope with.

I know people are trying to make supportive comments but they do come across as very patronising to our ADs.

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