Stupid things said to adopters

[Peppaismysaviour]

The comments of 'real' mum and dad have been on my mind with final court dates happening. People might not understand how hurtful this is to me after a year of being our little girl's mummy.
One thing that sticks in my mind from early stages was a close work friend saying to big group when I had left the room "I don't know how she can do it, I couldn't. I want my own proper children". How is my daughter not proper?

What stories have others got of the utterly ridiculous or upsetting things you've heard about adopting?

I've had a couple of 'couldn't you have your own' comments. Only from people with v poor social skills.

But I have to say actually - because I was thinking about this the other day - three years into this, the concern I had about 'real mum' has gone completely. The idea that anyone could propose any other person on this planet as my dd's real mum is just ludicrous to me now. It would be like someone abusing me for being blonde (I'm not) or something, I'd just be flabbergasted by their idiocy rather than offended.

Hope that's useful!

We have an adopted daughter and i then got pregnant after so my babies are very close in age...anyway....I was at a party last week and an old lady distant relative said " is this your real baby"

Luckily i have broad shoulders and laughed at her ignorance but my mum was fuming at at her...

I'm glad you feel that way **conserve. There is hope for me yet as I'm currently a right moody bear about it all!

**Sweetchilli people can be utter idiots and broad shoulders a bonus in the adoption area!

I find that any real mum comments go over my head and i shrug them off because i have birth children , l long term fc and 1 adopted and i absolutely know that i love them all the same and there is no distinction . Therefore i do not care what others think of my status as a mum .
But i would have had to step in following your work colleagues comment because it crosses the line by implying that somehow an adopted child is less valuable to a parent than a birth child!!
That is too much because it has the power to hurt an adopted child and that to me is unacceptable.
It is hard to get these things right but that is my yardstick... you can say what you like about me ( even though said in ignorance and no malice intended probably ) but woe betide you if you undermine my child !

The conversation that gets me every time is this:
Other person: 'so do you know what happened to her then?'
Me: 'yes, we do.'
Other person: 'oh, so.... you do know what happened?'
Me: 'yes, we know'
Other person 'oh,why was she taken then?'
Me 'I can't tell you that, it's not my information to give'
Other person 'oh yes, of course, sorry, I wasn't being nosey!'
Me(in my head): 'yes you fucking were!!'

I have to work really hard to remember that in the main, people's questions come from a good place. I know they don't mean to be nosey and it's natural curiosity but sometime it does wind me up and I get a bit snappy!!

If my child had been here she wouldn't have gotten away with saying anything of the sort but we were very early days, pre approval and it didn't seem real to us yet so nothing was said. She hasn't been part of our lives since mind you!
I understand it's ignorance and am coming to deal with that as we didn't know a lot before we started process but still, people can be such idiots!

Another good one was when I went in to tell bosses I would be needing adoption leave and neither said anything other than 'right. What's wrong with them?'
The what's wrong with her seems to be a constant theme.

Peppa i didnt mean my comments as any criticism of you . It is v hard to think clearly to respond at the time i know. X

Peppa horrible comments. What a horrible person.

We have been very lucky and her little mean comments. I have been told how amazing I am for adopting, which feels like getting an applause for being able to breathe but it does come from a good place.

I did have nursery teacher be nosey about ds. luckily she never got that conversation where she " learnt all about what he had been through!"

The almost best comments include, he looks like his dad! From people who know he is adopted. He kind of does.

The best comment is "I can't imagine your family without him"

My worst comment so far....... "what a shame. You've waited so long for a child and then you get one with something wrong with it" (an ongoing health issue!)

My answer was a deep-breath-rise-above-it "I disagree, he is perfect & my family is perfect for him"

I am never going to forget the comment though!

happypenguin bloody hell that person sounds stupid!

I posted on the 2nd, however the day after would you believe i ad this....

at a physio appointment for my 1st DD1 (who we adopted at birth)

THEM "So who is this then"? (referring to DD2)
ME this is , sister to *
Them oh you adopted them both?
ME No, i got pregnant very soon after
THEM Oh so she's yours then?
ME erm there both mine
Them you know what i mean though, she's yours*
ME like i said, there both mine.

Later on during some assessment
THEM so what are we calling them, is she half sister, adopted sister, biological sister?
ME Just Sister!!! we call them sisters because there sisters.

At this point I'm loosing my fucking cool. The question had NO relevance to the appointment.
My husband told me to leave it and said some people just don't have a clue.

Hi Peppa

My my whole family is adopted (excluding my parents - I think) - my sister's biological parents are Sri Lankan and we adopted her in the 70's. This sounds like an urban myth but I promise you it's completely true - we lived in the sleeply all white village of Dunstable back then and my mother was asked by both our next door neighbour at the time and several work colleagues how she would be able to understand her when she grew up and started to talk :).

As for the knob making those remarks, well the joke might be on them anyway as the adoption agency told my folks that at least half the people adopted are never told. And one thing I really learnt over the years is that the individuals who are "so concerned" about such nonsense are invariably deeply unhappy with their own lot. At risk of being intrusive I must admit that I would never consider the person that made such a boneheaded remark any kind of friend ever again - the truth is they would have known full well that that is one of the most vicious and cruel things you could say to any parent and certainly something you would NEVER say about a genuinely close friend.

I worked for an American family in Bermuda who had adopted a little girl from Kazakhstan and she had more Korean heritage as she looked more Korean. Anyway her sister and mum blond hair blue eyes etc.

This mum at school made this massive deal about how much Emily looked like her mum. I mean clearly she's adopted as they made a big deal of how proud they were to adopt her etc.

This women just made everyone feel really uncomfortable!!

Sweet

"THEM so what are we calling them, is she half sister, adopted sister, biological sister?"

"Let's not worry about them, I'm calling you a fucking idiot!" (said in your head, of course!)

on finding out our DD, who had been placed with us for three months, has some health issues, a close-ish family friend suggested we might want to "send her back" and try again. i was completely floored.

ariel disgusting comment. Hope you put then in their place. Trouble is we do feel floored by people's silly comments and don't bite back!

"isn't he lucky" - yup really lucky to be institutionalised at birth and wait for a year before having a family

"why would you DO that?!" - on being told I was adopting

"how selfish" - on being told I was adopting as a single parent

"does he speak English?" - DS arrrived in UK as a baby - question asked when he was 4

"what happened to his real mother?"

"aren't you wonderful" - yes I am. For oh so many reasons - being the parent of DS isn;t really one of them.

I'm sure there have been others.

I give not one fuck.

I still get 'He's 'lucky'. I just say we are lucky.

And like you Kew I am Fabulous. But not for adopting!

"So, do they keep in touch with their actual mum?"
"Yeah, they see her every day!"
"Really?"
"Yes, they come into my room every morning, and there I am!"

FFS.

Rosie great answer!

Nursery teacher: "Are they real sisters? Because they don't look alike at all!" - said while the kids were standing right next to us.
Me: "Strange you saying that, because usually people think they are twins!" - they really do.

border control: "Are they your's? Cause they don't exactly look like you." (transracial adoption)

I have had a lot of: "So, do you know what happened to them?"

"Yes, we do."
"Ah, so you know!??"
"Yes, still do."

acquaintance: "Adopted children are scraped from the bottom of the barrel."

acquaintance in a conversation with me: "...real parents, bla bla... the people who are taking care of them now" - meaning us, their parents!

my aunt to my mother: "You have to stop her!" when informed that we were planning to adopt. Still laughing about that one. Just try!

I have had a few "they are so lucky" comments, but way more "you are so lucky" comments, which I also find concerning. I am very lucky, but I would be just as lucky if my children hadn't got such great social skills.

Why are you trying to ruin his life! About my birth son when my husbands aunt found out we were adopting!

We also get the comments about how like us the kids look. To be fair my daughter who was adopted internationally does look very like my family. Our two youngest however are mixed race and we are white so clearly they do not look like us!

'You'll never love them as much as you would your own'

'At least you'll never know a real parent's pain if anything happens to one of them' - my reply to that was not pleasant!

'Why would you want rejects as your children' - adopted dc are NOT rejects and my dc were orphaned.

'Your parents will never approve' - my mothers approval has meant less that nothing since she called me defective freak age 12, my father adores his dgc as spoils them every chance he gets.

From line manager when I mentioned (soon after returning from AL) that BM is pregnant again and we would be asked to consider having this sibling: 'you should give someone else a chance to adopt this time; why will your DC even need to know he has this sibling'.

My goodness what evil comments.