Therapeutic parenting for dummies please

[NCyetagain]

Wasn't really sure if this was the right place to post as I'm not an adopter but couldn't find anything else on therapeutic parenting.

I have 3 DC (birth children) they're 3, 4 and 5. Had an abusive childhood myself, just come out of an abusive marriage. My poor babies have seen it all - domestic violence, drugs and alcohol, police coming out to house. I know it's been traumatic for them, I feel awful. But I'm finally out of this hell and starting to try and make changes. I've been reading up on therapeutic parenting and want some advice on how to put it into practice. A list of do's and don'ts or something. I just need to be told what to do because I have no inner resources or knowledge or supportive family to help me. My DC show signs of ADHD/Asperger's but actually from the reading I've done it's more likely to be an attachment disorder. It's really fecking hard, knowing that I'm the one who has caused all of this by not getting them out sooner and now also having to be the one to fix it. But I will fix it. I love them so much.

If anyone out there can help me I would love your support!

Ugh, where to start? First, well done on getting out.

The long and the short of it is you need to parent your children the way they need to be parented, rather than how other kids are parented/supernanny tells you to/you were parented. That means being (or becoming) attuned to their needs and working with that.

Working out what their actual needs are is the hard part.

So, for example, if your 5yo finds it difficult to make decisions (when getting dressed or choosing breakfast or whatever) remove the need for him to have to make them. If they have problems with transitions (from home to school or vice versa) find a way to support them with those.

It may mean finding ways to make them feel safe/secure, helping them to learn that you can be depended on/that they should depend on you (and not try to be overly independent etc).

For many DC it'll mean they're on a shorter leash than most other kids (keeping them close, keeping their world small and predictable). You'll probably want to find some ways of managing their behaviour that doesn't involve sending to rooms or time outs or anything similar.

And then it's a constant quest to figure out what's going on in their heads so you can address it without them ever knowing.

So much depends on what you're dealing with and trying to achieve. There's lots of resources out there. Try googling for attachment parenting, maybe instinctive parenting too. All the books I know arevaboutbadoption so I'm not sure how much use they'd be.

It's such a huge question, I don't know if that's any use at all. Hope so. Good luck.

Huge well done on getting out and for your strength and resolve to make things better for them. You blame yourself a lot in your post - please remember that your abuser caused all of this. You did what you could and did find the strength to leave.

There are people here who can advise you about therapeutic parenting, but I think there's a question about whether you can access any support in real life. You're - admirably - tacking something huge but you might need some specialist support in how to support your children.

There are specialist charities who do this. Do you have an IDVA? Or a MARAC? If so, they should be able to signpost or refer you and your children to support.

Well done you - very admirable that first you have taken yourself out of an abusive situation, and secondly that you are wanting to get that cycle broken for your little ones.

As the posts above have said - it's a huge question. tldr has given some great starting points but there are no easy do's and don'ts unfortunately. You need to find out what works for you and them but ultimately you need to build up trust with the children. They need to trust that they are going to be safe now.

Something to keep in mind is PACE.
P - playfulness
A - acceptance
C - curiousity
E - empathy

ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/

This could be a good place to start?

You have not caused this, and you are clearly doing what you can to move on. Hats off to you.

You sound completely amazing. This book is pretty short and gives a good basic guide to get you started:
www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Therapeutic-Parenting-Nutshell-Positives-Pitfalls/1533592152?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Also a good videa from the author here:

For more ideas, and for support for you as this is a hard thing you're doing, the Therapeutic Parents group on facebook is a great resource.

Thank you so much for responding! Really means a lot. Your answers have terrified me. Not sure I'm up to this job at all. Yes I adore them but I don't have the patience or serenity to even get through a whole day without shouting let alone trying to discover their individual needs and address them. It feels such a mammoth task to me.

I have no patience or serenity at all, but I manage. It's still 'just parenting', it's just a different kind of parenting.

Someone else said it too, see if you can find some real life support. That'll make the world of difference.

Thanks for the link and the book recommendation and that video was really great!
I'm also not sure how I can do this with all of my DC at once. Often I can't figure out what one of them needs because of the noise and chaos coming from the other two so I just end up sending them all to their room so I can calm down.

Everyone shouts - don't panic! Just make sure you 'repair' afterwards. eg. "I'm sorry I shouted at you, but "
You do have a mammoth task ahead of you. But in recognising that you're well on the way. Therapeutic parenting is tough. Our SW said that if you get it right even 30% of the time then you'll be alright. The rest of the time will be split between getting it wrong, and repairing.
Good luck. xx

I don't have either of those things (didn't know what they were) I have done everything on my own so far. I'm too scared to ask for support in case they see that I don't know what I'm doing and decide I'm not fit to parent my kids. Which I'm not, really.

Thanks mrsm! I do lots of apologising.

Sometimes it can be a thing you do on your own once they're in bed... So if you notice one of them seemed particularly stressed or angry on a day, reflect on the day, see if you can spot a reason or a pattern (he hates going to the supermarket, or it's always a Tuesday) and see if you can find a way to avoid/fix/support whatever you think the problem might have been. A lot of it comes down to reflecting, which yes, is much easier when they're not underfoot/on your head.

Makes sense, tldr.
So far I know that they all hate going into school, they all hate TV being turned off and they all hate bedtime.

So, you already know that they find transitions / changes hard (going into school, going to bed) - that's useful info, and not at all unusual. Depending on your children's ages, you can get them involved in planning how you'll make those times easier (and I would definitely get school involved to help you with that one - if the playground is too chaotic, can they go straight to class/go in 5min later/be met by a TA to help them settle?). They may be scared of being without you, at school and at bedtime, so everything you do to reassure them could help - something of yours to "keep safe" for you (low value in case of loss!)? Something that smells of you in their bed, like a worn t-shirt?

A huge part of you helping them is just done through being there - not doing anything magic or having massive treats, just being with them noticing them and finding small stuff to praise if you can "that was so helpful when you came right away, thank you for that".

You can absolutely do this, but remember self-care - you're recovering too, so go gently on yourself and don't feel you have to do it all at once, or all by yourself

Thank you b1rd and yes some self care is in order although I don't know how or when or even what!
So transitions. I guess charts to show our routine would help with that? I like the idea of giving them something of mine, although they would all have to have the same thing as they have to match everything.
Another thing I know is that noise, crowds, heat, anything that is overwhelming in a sensory way, is a trigger for bad behaviour and meltdowns, for all of us, me included!
And when they accidentally hurt me (a lot of climbing and aggressive hugging happens) that's a trigger for me and I lash out at them, verbally or sometimes physically.

I need some therapeutic parenting myself :(

You are probably going through a form of PTSD. Would you consider going to the doctor and getting some propanolol for a month or so? It stops the fight or flight adrenalin, and you will feel much more in control. It will be better for the children if you are calm too. One of my dc nearly died, and a while later i suffered a form of PTSD for a short time. It isn't an antidepressant and it won't affect you in any other way.

Your children may also be suffering from a similar thing, a form of trauma, which presents in a similar way to attachment, ADHD, ASD, the whole baloney. In very basic outline terms, therapy for attachment is boundaries in a loving way - stability, consistency - and therapy for trauma includes physical things, where the body is reconnecting with the brain, or something, such as long walks, trampolining.

If you could say whether you live in the countryside/town/city (and whether close to parks) I could give some ideas of therapeutic activities to do. Also whether you are in a flat or house, etc.

In relation to bedtime I can only offer the classic, bath followed by several books, if they like being read to, though you likely already do this. I find it is very calming, the sound of your voice, etc.

Oh that's good as we do loads of physical things, lots of walks, bike rides, we go to the park nearly every day, go up the hills, to the lake, climbing trees etc. Sounds like I am doing something right at least :)

We live in a flat in a city but with good access to nature. I read something about greenery calming the brain and undoing all the over-stimulation. I try to avoid soft play as they seem to find it too much.

Bedtime routine is probably the most stable part of the day, bath, story, song, milk, teeth, cuddle. The rest of the day, apart from school, is whatever I feel we can manage. No routine or structure really. Dinner in front of TV as I'm knackered by then and it prevents them fighting. I would quite like to change that eventually.

I will ask the doctor about the PTSD. Sorry to hear about your DC.

Seems it's the stability and consistency I need to work on!

I should add... I didn't mean (and I didn't have) formally diagnosed PTSD. What I meant was that while things were very difficult all my energies went into coping, just coping. Once things eased off (which for us took about 4 years...) I felt it all catch up with me and it was overwhelming. I went to our lovely doctor and just said I was stressed, that is it, please can I have propranolol (which I had taken briefly about 20 years earlier) for a month, and he did the relevant tests and that was that. Your situation is different, but I wondered if things were now catching up with you because you are in a safe place.

You all going out and about sounds great, and your bedtime routine much more impressive than mine - if I started singing goodness only knows what would happen!

One last thing is that EFT tapping can be good for letting go of emotions, children and adults. It initially sounds a bit daft but it has been endorsed by at least one psychologist I know of.

Best of luck with everything

OP i have just read over your posts a bit more carefully and I had missed the bit where you were saying you were lashing out verbally/physically. Please do go and talk to your doctor about this. It is beyond my experience, so read what I wrote in that context.