Linking, matching and intros

[Jellycatspyjamas]

So, after four years in the process it looks like our journey might, finally, be moving on.

We've got a linking meeting at the end of the month with matching panel the following week and intro planning 3 weeks later. It's anticipated that intros will be start at the end of July . We've been told to prep our photo book just now, get their rooms organised and start sorting out adoption leave - it looks like this will finally happen. We're both ecstatic and completely bricking it.

We're being linked with a 4 year old and a 6 year old sibling pair - my head is going in circles, for folk who have done this, what do I need to be thinking about/doing over the next few weeks?

4&6 how exciting, ours were 2.5 and 8 (and are now 12.5 and 18).

Schools. Do you have a school in mind? Have you looked around schools at all yet? I'd go for one with strong pastoral care and evidence they might listen to you about what you children need. Any level of willingness to accept that flexible schooling might help to start with - e.g. taking each one out for 1 afternoon a week for the first term in order to do 1-1 bonding. Wish we had been able to do this with our 8 yo. Ofsted ratings take a back seat to pastoral / SEN. Don't worry about school secretaries telling you they are full, you should be able to get the LA to agree to your preferred choice and take them as 'excepted children' if necessary. they will be top category for priority behind statemented children.

Have a weekend away just for the two of you as it might be ages before you get to do that again.

Freezer food.

We alternated bedtimes for ages. DH did 1 child, I did the other. Then next night we swapped. It ensured DH was competent and the children saw both of us caring.

Check out a good place to buy children's bedsets in advance and take them their to choose their own during intros.

Think younger. The 6 might act at times more like a 4 and the 4 like a 2/3.

Easier to start with firm rules then relax them than too loose and have to tighten. Follow FC rules in their house then your rules when intros move to your house. Try to be on the same page as your other half, consistency is key.

A bit of routine over the summer holidays won't harm. e.g. in the morning we do craft/reading/home based stuff. In the afternoon we go out and do something active (even if only to playground), then some quiet TV time before tea, or whatever. If later you can find a playground near to chosen school to try to get to know some other kids/parents it could help.

Enjoy.

Not sure you need advice but wanted to send best wishes and crossed fingers and toes that all goes smoothly! Until intros: sleep, spend time together, go out after dark, see friends and family (and warn them you're about to go quiet but doorstep meal deliveries would be appreciated!)

We're looking at schools just now - our local school is huge (700+ children) so I'm hoping to put them both somewhere a bit smaller and hopefully more manageable. I'm definitely looking for somewhere nurturing rather than any concern about academics at this stage - I'd rather they got settled in to their new family and were able to cope emotionally.

We're planning a couple of days break just the two of us and stockpiling the freezer etc. Such a busy time but we're also trying to enjoy the anticipation and getting rooms ready etc.

Congratulations.

Sanders advice is excellent.

My own words would 've to add:

Small schools not necessary good, but not necessarily bad. Small schools might lack resources/equipment/specialist staff also of your child has 'issues', behaviour or Lear ing they may stick out more in a smaller school.

Find out size of current school and how that has worked for them.

Ds joined a at 3, nearly 4. His school is 500 plus and has worked well.

Also, declutter and devlitter more. Get rid of stuff you do not need.

Think about and start some fun family traditions. We plant tomatoes ever year, and name the plants; we pick strawberries in summer at a local farm; we make crumbles together and bisvuits; we used to do junk modelling; we swim a lot as a family etc etc. Go slow but build in some things that you do. Swimming is good for bonding but be aware they may not be used to it.

Exciting times.

Declutter and declutter more!

We're clearing out for Britain at the moment - and spending vast sums on child friendly storage at a well know Swedish supplier!

I think I've found their school - medium sized, head teacher who adopted her own child and is very aware of the issues (and has had all of her staff trained because her child will be going to the same school). Lots of nurture work with kids, "time in" process for discipline - going to visit next week be it sounds fab.

It's so exciting to finally be able to get things ready after a long long process.

The school sounds fab. Hope you like it in real life.

Things we bought / were given that got the most use:

• playdough and playdough cutters
• paint and paintpots & brushes, rolls of paper
• bubbles / possibly bubble machine

Good, sounds fab.

Just one thought, the head is choosing to make her adoption public knowledge, there could be any number of reasons for this. But if you are wanting to not make it generally public knowledge that you adopted your kids, then do make sure she knows that.

I can say more if this is an aspect of your children's arrival you had not considered or not decided on.

It's something I've thought about and I'm happy for the relevant school staff to know, because they need to consider it in their care of my children but I wouldn't expect it to be shared outside of the staff team on a need to know basis. I'm meeting her on Monday so will have time to talk through information sharing and boundaries.

Thanks for the tip about play dough - I've been looking up recipes to make our own and am planning to buy arts and crafts stuff for sensory play.

Anything I should remember to ask foster carers? We're due to meet them the weekend after next so I'm trying to get my ducks in a row.

What you share / don't share may be out of your hands anyway.

My DD1 said she wasn't going to tell anyone we were adopting her until she knew them really well... I think she lasted until day 3. . Personally I also found it helpful to be able to admit to being clueless to other parents who I then could ask basic information from.

Others, I know, choose not to say anything.
The teachers definitely shouldn't be mentioning it in class or to other parents.

What's your rule going to be re photos? If not permitted then I suggest as well as filling out the forms you speak directly to teacher.

Anything and everything over the course of intros:

• foods likes and dislikes
• washing powder
• how to settle if they are distressed
• current routines
• current discipline strategy
• how well FC thinks they understand what is happening
• what they will be coming to you with
• any triggers that cause distress or arguments
• what was behaviour like when first placed (can regress)

Thank you, I hadnt thought about washing powder and have been having nightmares about the amount of stuff they could arrive with. They're current placement is about 200 miles away so intros will need a fair bit of planning.

I do need to talk to the school about photos - I think I'd rather not have public photos for a while especially given social media. So many things to think about so quickly.

My son was 3 almost 4 when he came. I said 're could tell people but to remember he could not untell it. As Dar as I know he never talks about it.

I talk to collegurs and friends who do not know ds. we chose to keep it private because we felt it would be better for him. If it were taken out of our hands, I would accept it. it is private and not a secret.I never lie but I do avoid the topic.

The best thing you can do with foster caters is make friends and get their mobile number and/or email.

We have stayed in touch with our son's fcs for three years, we meet up and I send photos and updates. It is not for everyone but has worked for us.