fuck me it's hard

[mailfuckoff]

Seriously hard this week. I am the wicked witch of the west and scar from lion king all rolled into one because I try and lay down some discipline. DH parents differently but I am fed up of being hit, sworn at and mocked in my own home. Any ideas? DH is on a course run by camhs aimed at foster carers after we reached out for help. Doesn't really help when I'm in the firing line all the time. Apparently onchild hates me and the other wants to kill me :-(

💐 for you.
Why are you not on the course?

It's once a week for 10 weeks and I couldn't get the time off work. DH works zero hours so had taken the days off and won't get paid. I've done other ones that are one day only and at the weekend

Sometimes it's the relentlessness that is the problem. Sounds like you need a bit of 'me time' for yourself firstly. Secondly, could you try 'time in' type activities with your children? Something fun that gets the bonding endorphins going? x

I do try one to one me time but they are back to pushing boundaries and trying to get me cross. They have been with us for a few years and it was going well but it's another bump in the road. I know we signed up for this and it's part of parenting but it's hard

I am a foster carer and whilst courses help I always come away learning more from shared experience and understanding like I'm not the only one who feels overwhelmed.

How old are the children you have adopted?

I am presently fostering some children long term and whilst this is very different to fostering we still have days that are really good and others that are herendous.

I have been called so many names it is unbelievable it's hard not to take it personal as well but they really are just trying to push you away before you do them.

I hear you mail I'm a few years in and also having a spectacularly hard time at the moment. Lots of defiance, refusal to do what's asked, desperately wants to get drawn into long conversations when you try the 'I wonder why you're feeling like this etc ' tack. It just feels relentless. I am losing the will to live over bedtimes which despite trying a million different strategies over the years seem to be worse now than ever before. Whilst my head knows it's all to do with anxiety and separation for her, my heart just wants to shout 'fuck off and go to sleep I am beyond exhausted'.

I'm also doing a course and whilst it's good and interesting and useful, tbh I think we need something a bit more intensive to move us in from this. I am running on empty.

Not much help, but just wanted you to know I get it. Virtual hugs, sympathy, gin (or whatever else you prefer) for you.

I am with you. Friday fizz here. Bracing ourselves for the weekend...

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I talked with both of them separately last night about feelings and treating others how you want to be treated and both apologised. This morning we had sparks because football's not on and even though I said it's not on apparently it's all my fault it's not on. Hey ho another day

How's today been mail?

AH mail, it does get better. 11 years on here so do have some experience. Keep on with the boundaries, keep on finding one to one time (hard I know when you don't even want to be in the same building as them), keep challenging the defiance and try not to get drawn into long circular debates. It hasn't gone away for us but the periods of calm in between get longer so your resources aren't permanently at nil.

I found myself at rock bottom again a few months ago when all the difficult behaviours returned after a reasonable absence. There are some wonderful and supportive folk on here who know exactly what you are going through and how hard it is.

I don't know about your circumstances but I found that talking to people who hadn't a clue about early trauma and long term effects on children was actually harmful for me. They just don't get it and leave you feeling worse than useless when you are already in hell. So one piece of advice is definitely to be careful who you share with.

Thanks all, sorry the system wouldn't let me post yesterday. I had 1 2 1 to a with both yesterday and lots of cuddles but we still had a nightmare bedtime for one of them :-(

Yup, it's tough, isn't it. Hope the course had some useful strategies that you and DH can both apply