Experiences of foster to adopt...

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

Hi everyone,

Just wondered about people's experiences of foster to adopt? Our gut instinct is that we would not want the uncertainty of not knowing whether it was permanent as I'd imagine it would be heartbreaking to have a child return to BF. However, we don't want to rule it out completely just yet.

Just wondered how people felt confident enough to go ahead with it? How much info do you get about BF?

Do you get to find out whether any family members have been assessed?

Do you get to find out what was recommended in BP's parenting/psychological assessments and evidence either way that they have not accessed support or made any changes to their life style?

Thanks in advance for any advice or support you can offer

Oh and also, how long was it from LO being placed to them officially becoming your own son or daughter?

Also interested in all of this, so I'm following along :) x

We did FtA and we got our son at 2 months old. We had the hiatus of Christmas and new year in between but it took about 4 weeks from hearing about him at the initial meeting to introductions. He was legally adopted at 9 months old.

We decided that if there was even a whiff of vagueness from our son's SW we wouldn't agree to foster and hold out to straightforward adopt him. However, she had done her homework and all avenues regarding BF had been explored. We checked and checked and asked and asked everything. She knew all the answers with confidence. We were given an outline of the BP and BF history/background but not the actual CPR until later on. But we could ask anything we liked so although as 'foster carers' we weren't privy to the paperwork, we could ask all the questions and got the answers we needed.

Looking back I'm not sure how we had the nerve to do it, but we did. I guess we just thought he was worth the risk. There are a lot of negative stories surrounding FtA and they are worth listening to because sometimes it really doesn't work out. But for us? It was a positive, brilliant experience and we all bonded so well as he was so tiny. We've been through the night time feeds, the weaning and the first steps. And for me that was so important (not for others I know). Fwiw, we were told if we didn't do FtA we'd have got DS at 9/10 months old. Maybe older. So with that in mind, no regrets here! Good luck in all you decide 💐

My lo was placed with me at a day old with placement order at 15 weeks. There was very little uncertainty and it was and I had all info and copies of psychological assessments very early on. It has been truely wonderful and The best decision I have ever made. Good luck x

Ours was placed at 11 weeks after mother and baby placement had failed. BM family had already been looked at for previous children and bf was unknown despite many attempts to identify him.

We did contact 3 times a week where we dropped baby off to contact centre and collected 90 mins later. This was really hard!

We go the placement order 4 months after he came to us. I do look back and wonder how we did it but it was definetly the right decision for us and I wouldn't change it for the world. SW was very confident this would do to an adoptive placement but even so there were hairy moments.

Thank for all your answers. It's all given me food for thought. Sounds awful but I think I'd feel more confident if there had been something like tictoc describes, a failed mother and baby placement.

Just a quick follow up question...did birth parents contest in all of your cases? Had any of them previously have children placed for adoption?

No contesting here, which selfishly I was very glad about! Baby was removed at birth and yes, 4 previous siblings had been adopted. There was no contact with BP in our case throughout the fostering period, but we would have been happy to do so if it were appropriate. Hope that helps.

That's really helpful. Whenever I think of FTA I remember two cases I worked on years ago (before FTA...in fact twin tracking was illegal) where the courts went in BPs favour and it was completely unexpected, I think even BPs were shocked. There were many other cases where things went smoothly but obviously my brain fixates on these two! Both babies did end up being placed for adoption eventually but it just worries me that we could have to give a baby who we've loved and cared for back to BF.

No contesting here and previous and subsequent children have been placed for adoption.

I'm actually now creeping towards FTA hearing about your experiences! I guess We'd have to get a lot of info before we decided to go ahead with it.

Thanks so much for all your replies!

We got baby at ten weeks, there were court delays otherwise it would have been from birth.
Contact was three times a week for six months, we had a lot of contact with birth mum.
Still waiting for it to be finalised and baby is almost a year.
I would reccomend it to anyone.

I was wondering how much contact you have with birth parents? Do you go to meetings with them etc?
Just then they will know what you look like if you bumped into them when out and about with little one.

I think it depends on the risk factors.
Ours was minimal risk so we handed over at contact. And yes we're at meetings together.
For us it means we can really give our child a first hand insight into birth parents.
Most adopters meet birth parents anyway as birth parent meetings are normally part of the process of introductions.

I would imagine it helps to humanise BPs and vice versa. It could be easy for either side to cast the others as the villain. In my experience BP's tend to save their wrath for their child's SW and also know that if they are contesting then they need to be on their best behaviour at meetings and particularly for contact as notes and reports from supervised contacts are often used as evidence either in court or as part of their parenting assessments. I suspect if they're deemed a risk this would be flagged up early on and managed by social care.

I think both FtA and adoption come with some risk, in one way or another. But if I think if it's important to you and you want the experience of bringing up your child from a tiny age, it's definitely a risk worth taking.

I don't want to minimalise the cases where it hasn't worked out but when we did our research it looked to be successful in over 90% of cases - doesn't help a jot if you're in that 10% of course, but it was enough for us. And of course there is no harm saying to your SW that you are open to the idea and then change your mind later. A good SW will understand that. I'd hope!

Other issues you need to consider with FTA is the reasons why the child has been removed at birth. These can be that the child has been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero and also the higher risk of genetic issues such as mental illness or learning difficulties.

Your comment up thread suggest that you think it might be less risky if a woman had had previous children removed. Well it might be less likely that the child might be returned to her. But unless it's the same father as before, it's just as likely that the child might be returned to him or one of his family members.

And if the mother has had an addiction for some time, her drug use will probably be higher and subsequently the risk to the baby. And baby more likely to have withdrawal problems. We know that FAS is more likely in babies born to " older " Mothers who drink heavily.

Also the fact that you are taking a very young baby means that it's hard to get idea of possible developmental delays.

Sorry if this seems negative . But it's not as easy as ' get them young and everything will be fine', it's much more complex than that.

Thanks for your replies guys. It's really helpful and has given me food for thought.

Some of your stories make a lot of sense in terms of what the evidence was that made you confident to go with it. I think I'd need something a bit more tangible than the SW seeming confident and you seem to have had other things that influenced your decision.

I agree Coral...the two cases I mentioned upthread had both had several children placed for adoption previously and there was no evidence of them making any changes to their life style yet the courts still went in the BPs favour. (Both babies we later on placed in care and adopted.)

I also agree that other BF members could theoretically come out of the woodwork at any point during the process so we'd want to know that BF members have been explored and ruled out. Both on the maternal and paternal sides as I think I also mentioned up thread.

I know that any adoption comes with a lot more uncertainty about the child's wellbeing and abilities whatever age they're adopted at so I guess that's a given in either type of adoption. I'm thinking of it in terms of the child's perspective; minimal moves and disruption. However that needs to be balanced with how we'd be able to manage that uncertainty.

In our case BM didn't contest which was actually due to contact. I handed over our baby and picked him up and whilst there was supposed to be no contact between BM and me she apparently was watching every time and said she could see the love I had for baby and it helped her to know that he was loved. This was also not her first child to be removed so I suppose she also knew her chances at contesting were not great.

Yes there is uncertainty when you adopt so young but really there is going to be so much uncertainty with any adoption. If you want 0-2 years you have to accept the future is unknown. Even with an older child things can be hidden purposely, accidentally or purely because the child has been acting in.

Good luck whatever you decide

Also, just been reflecting on use of the word risk in adoption terms...it's pretty ambiguous at the best of times but in this thread the risk I'm referring to is the risk of LO being placed back with BF.

In my experience, and admittedly I've only worked within one authority so I know it varies, but any genuine and viable members of BF tend to come forward be assessed early on in proceedings. Often before baby is placed in care or even born. We even have a specialist FCG service to do this. If a child is presented at panel to request care proceedings a referral to FGC has to be made unless there's a very good reason not to. People put forward later on tend to be a last ditch attempt out of desperation from BPs or a stalling tactic which just prolong the inevitable and cause lots of stress for everyone involved. Their request has to be taken seriously so it just delays things. As a naive, inexperienced SW I and a NQSW once ended a viability assessment after 10 mins as the BGPs told us they were both drug and alcohol dependent with a violent relationship. We got ripped to shreds in court and had to repeat the assessment with the same inevitable outcome!

Thank you so much tictoc, think we crossed posts! That's really helpful.

I agree, all adoptions come with a lot of uncertainty. I currently work with adolescents and many of them are adopted or have spent time in care. The ones who were adopted 'older' (3+) and/or spent time living within their BF seem to have the most problems in adolescence. However, this obviously is just anecdotal so not a hard and fast rule

Have been reading this post with great interest. We have just pulled out of a foster to adopt situation, as we have our own birth child and it all seemed too risky. We had very little info, social workers have been visiting child for over a year but they still refused to give me any info on child. We wanted to know general things about him to try and build a picture up. We then questioned if we were deemed to be 'the match' for this child then why could it not become a normal adoption? I know that sounds like we are being heartless but then we get info etc we need. I know child would be put into foster care. It has been very distressing for us. Interested to hear what happened with you guys?

koala not sure where you're getting your information from, I understand it to be fewer than 10% of adopters meeting birth parents.

OP. I've sent you a PM :)

As you can see from the posts here, foster to adopt when it runs smoothly for an adopter, can be fantastic.
However, for the sake of balance, I just wanted to stress the risks. If you search here on these threads, you will find posts where it didn't go as planned and the child went back to birth family. One was pretty recent - last 6 months. The anguish for the adopters was obviously horrendous so please think about those implications - if it doesn't go as you hope, you have hours/days at most to pack up the child you love and you would need to recover before going forward with another match if you even felt able. It's brutal.
You will also need to facilitate contact - a recent placement I know is having to do 5 days of contact per week which they struggle with emotionally. They've also been investigated by social workers when birth family complained that they didn't feel the child's bottles were clean enough.
In my LA, we were advised around 20% - 25% of placements are going back to birth family when courts disagree with the LA - I haven't seen any research nationally but it might be worth asking your LA how many placements ended since they introduced F2A to get a feel for it in your area.

Obviously for those who succeed, it's a positive, but make sure you have the support to cope if you are one of the unfortunate adopters who don't get court approval. AUK boards have many cases on their forums too - may be worth posting there too.

Hi comehomemax, been trying to respond for a few days now but the website hasn't been letting me post!

That's exactly what I'm worried about...not so much facilitating contact, just the thought of having to 'give back' a much loved and wanted baby makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I guess most of us come to adoption following some sort of loss (fertility problems, miscarriage/s, not finding the right partner) and then to risk another huge loss is almost unthinkable.

I think we would be open to discuss FTA but would want pretty concrete evidence that it's highly unlikely that the courts would not be going in BF's favour. I've been on the wrong side of statistics/probability (when when that risk's been below 1%) for the last 3 years!

In theory it's a great idea for both the child and adopter when it works but devastating if it doesn't. I guess it'd be about finding out what services have been provided e.g. FGC to identify potential kinship carers and why they haven't been successful.