Are we strong enough?

[CBeebiesaddict]

DH and I have always planned to have one bc and then adopt. We now have our bc, DS who is 16mo. I am now questioning the plan to adopt as I have been taken aback by how hard we found the first year of DS' life and I wonder whether we have what it takes?

I have learnt a lot about our weakness, for example I do not cope well with sleep deprivation and DH struggled with coming home to a screaming baby every evening. Everything is fine now DS is a toddler and we adore having him but It feels as though everything we believed about ourselves has been overturned.

Honest opinions please but do you think this means we should rule out adoption and settle for being a one child family? I realise that adopting a child brings all sorts of challenges and if we struggled so much with a bc do we really have what it takes?!

I think self-awareness and the capacity to reflect honestly about your own strengths and weaknesses are great qualities in a parent, especially an adoptive parent! However, I also (personally) think it's too soon for you to be taking steps towards adopting - it's such early days for you and you are now enjoying your DS which is wonderful. If you were to adopt, the early days/years might very likely bring a return to lack of sleep and screaming no matter what age child you adopted, and would definitely mean a considerable period of time where you needed to give huge amounts of your energy and attention into your adopted child. It's going to be a little easier for your DS if he's old enough to understand at least a bit of why that's happening.

I too had a hard time being a first time parent. But the drive to have more kids was so strong we went through 3 more failed ivfs and then put ourselves through adoption training/waiting.
In the nicest possinle way if youwant a 2nd child and can do so the birth route then do. There are more people waiting to adopt the children you would be suitable for than there are children. So you needn't feel guilty about letting anyone down.
I did find second time i was more confident as a parent. And more unrepentant. Baby sleeps in afternoon so i sleep then every day. Housework goes to pot. I thought alot about why itwas hard and how to avoid the worst bits. I've been more forward about making friends - not quite "hello, i see we have children the same age, we will now be friends" ....but not far off.
And having a school run to add structure to the day makes a massive difference. Those dreadful long afternoons until Daddy comes home that stretched forever into the distance are a thing of the past. Plus stuff that used to frustrate me - no time to mysdlf, only getting 1 task done a day etc I am used to.
Be aware that you are gambling with the mental health of your bc. (That sounds like i think bc are more precious than ac but that's not the case.) I personally wouldn't adopt a hypothetical dc3 because dc1 and 2 would suffer and they need all the attention and resources we have got to give. (Only talking about our family not in general)
I hope that helps.

Absolutely agree with you B1, we wouldn't consider it until DS was in school. Am pondering now because I wonder whether I should keep it as an option or just shut it down entirely and come to terms with an only child family (not the end of the of the world by any means!).

Thanks for being so honest Just, has given me lots to think about. Another bc is ruled out as much for the birth and the residual physical damage from that as the actual baby stage and DH has had a vasectomy. Definitely need to think about the effect on DS of adoption, obviously as an already existing member of our family we need to prioritise his needs

Ah, this sounds familiar. I also always thought I would adopt a child at some point in my life. Then I had a birth child and the first few years were so tough that I completely wrote off adopting. Instead, I became a foster carer when my BS turned 3 but I foster old children, not babies...

My son is starting school this September and my current foster child will be moving on soon and I'm now re-thinking adoption. I know it'll be tough, but it's a far less scary thought now my BS is 4 and will be in school full-time if/when a LO joins our family. So you might find it a far less daunting proposition when your LO is a bit older too.

That's interesting Fairy I won't completely rule it out then but just put it on the back burner :)

We adopted DD when BS was 7. Age gap of 6.5 years. We went through all sorts of emotions about doing it and found the adoption process really helped us with the decision. Its not been easy and the first bit was the hardest thing I have ever done, even worse than the premature delivery, ITU and pnd that accompanied the arrival of BS. Both me And DH struggled with post adoption depression We are 15 months in, life is fantastic and no regrets. AD and BS love each other fiercely and her presence has very much enhanced his life and ours. I would say the big age gap has been hugely helpful for us too.

I'm so glad things are so good for you colly. Your mention of depression is exactly what I'm worried about though, not sure we are as strong as you :)

OP I'd really recommend going to an adoption open day. It will give you more of a feel for the realities of adoption and hopefully a picture of what your life could be like with another (adopted) child in your family.

I thought I was a strong person. Well I am. But having the ability to cope with things doesn't mean it would be right for you.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by not rushing into anything, but putting out feelers. Good luck OP.