Life story sadness

[Curlywurlyplease]

Name change here

Does anyone else feel incredible sadness at the totally crap life story lo has?? Our lo is nearly 3 so no real awareness yet. My heart just breaks as I know the little world he has awareness off is going to change. Birth story is horrific. I just don't know how to emotionally manage it and to stay strong for lo. Sorry a bit of a babble but just needed to share as we chose to keep life story private to everyone so absolutly no-one knows how terrible it is

When the times right seek lots of support for yourself
And little one and well done as you have still adopted this little one and will be able to give him a positive
Life story and lasting memories xx

Curlywurlyplease I think that one has to put these things to one side, and concentrate on the job of making your little one's life as happy and normal and safe and good as you can.

You should get expert help from post adoption services when you need it, this is better in some areas than others.

You should get some help working out how to explain things to your little one.

My ds was not abused, as far as I know, but he was neglected and I do feel very sad when I think of him being cold or hungry. He has always found it hard to be cold and hated getting wet and cold. However, now, three years after he came to live with us, he can cope more with being wet or cold (e.g. after swimming) and I see this as a sign of him over coming some of his difficult past.

I don't know if this is all accurate but it makes sense.

Our son knows roughly why he could not stay with birth parents, in age appropriate language.

I know some stories are harder and hopefully you will get the support you need.

Yes I also feel very sad and angry thinking of the terrible lives that my children had before they came to me. It's one of the many difficult parts of being an AP, dealing with that pain , anger and loss.

I commend you in your decision to respect your child's privacy and not share their horrific past with everyone. I agree that it's your child's life story to share as and when he needs to do so.

However I'd encourage you to find a safe therapeutic space to discuss your own feelings about what has happened to him and how that affects you all. You need an experienced counsellor or therapist - not someone who will dismiss and rubbish your feelings with " ah well that's all in the past " or " at least he doesn't remember " . Of course he remembers - he lived through it.

I have also felt deeply troubled by my son's start in life. Like you, I am also protective of his story and have kept it private. I have accessed a post adoption counsellor via our social worker. The counsellor is really good. It does need to be one who knows about adoption. I am discovering that some of my feelings are grief for previous losses (ones I didn't even know I had!). I find it helpful to view this as a normal grieving process to some extent. This makes me hopeful it will pass and I just try to tolerate the feelings instead of fighting them. Even though it is unpleasant, I think it may be useful in future to have reflected on these feelings in order to support my son.

Adoption has conjured up a load of weird emotions for me. My husband just gets on with enjoying our child and doesn't care. Our SW said I was one of those people who do the thinking for everybody :-).

Wise words from C0RAL as always.

mamoosh "Adoption has conjured up a load of weird emotions for me. My husband just gets on with enjoying our child and doesn't care. Our SW said I was one of those people who do the thinking for everybody :-)."

My husband is brilliant and very hands on, a good dad and all the rest. But his emotional intelligence is not great. So I, too, do the emotional work! My birth dd and adopted son both express the 'emotional' and personal things to me. I try and share as much as I can with dh.

Thanks for your replies. I will get support when the time is right. I just know it will change his life forever when he knows that's what makes me sad.we are a family with good attachment and he is centre of our world. We are besotted. Before we had him we made the decision Not to tell anyone the life story, regardless. Turns out it was a good decision when the background unfolded. SS haven't offered me a counsellor, it's probably something I will pursue in the future.
He hasn't been abused (although suffered who knows what in the womb), it's the birth family that have a horrific disgusting Life. It churns my stomach to have to tell him one day about it all. I think because I am now a parent and instinctively want to protect him, I can't from the birth family. It's just pretty crap and it hurts.

Well he won't know a lot about your own feelings about it because you won't share them all with him. Your grief is your grief and it's not a burden he needs to carry. That's why you need help to deal with your own feelings. So that you will be free to help him deal with HIS feelings and not YOURS.

So to be clear - it's not his job to help you deal with your feelings. It's your job as the parent to help him deal with his. And they might be very different to yours.

Also remember that he will hear the story in parts and in an age appropriate way. So it my not be the Shock to him that I'm guessing it is to you.

Also remember that children cope with some things in a very matter of fact way. So you might be projecting how you feel about things onto how he will feel.

I'm not trying to minimise your feelings. You are clearly some one with a lot of empathy.

Curlywurlyplease I know I a a stuck record but I really agree with CORAL.

You have said " I just know it will change his life forever when he knows that's what makes me sad." But he will not, as Coral say, know the whole thing in one go, he will find out bits and pieces of the story in an age appropriate way and he will deal with these things slowly as he goes along.

"SS haven't offered me a counsellor, it's probably something I will pursue in the future." Ask for help as soon as you think you will need it. Don't wait until you really need it because it may well take time to arrive.

"He hasn't been abused (although suffered who knows what in the womb), it's the birth family that have a horrific disgusting Life."

I think it will be so helpful for you to process all this, whatever horrors there are in the birth family, he will need to deal with this in stages in an age appropriate way. Remember he is biologically related to them so you want to ensure you can pass on this information with out expecting a certain response from him, IMHO because he may not respond exactly how you expect, and you will need to allow him to process this in a suitable way.

"It churns my stomach to have to tell him one day about it all." That does suggest you need help now to process it all to me.

"It's just pretty crap and it hurts." It does, indeed, but try not to worry too much about how you will tell him and when, get some help to process this all and remember that it does not need to have the life altering effect you are predicting. Whatever crimes or vices they have committed, he may find the ability to rise above all this, with time.

Good luck.

Curly - I understand what you mean - our DC also have a horrific story, and I think it is often hard for other people to understand that.

But I also agree with Coral, your feelings are yours alone. Your child may feel completely differently about the whole situation.

We did not know our DC complete story - it was our DC who revealed things and we then made a request for the whole SS file. What it showed was horrifying - and as we read we sobbed and sobbed - and realized we needed counselling to deal with what it contained.

Our DC just get on with it to be honest, as adults we find it simply shocking as we know our precious children should have never have seen all they have, I sob whenever I have to recount anything of their story (to professionals or SW etc - we don't tell anyone else), but we are 8 years in now and I promise you it gets easier for you and the DC. You become slightly removed from it, and there are days we even forget....

I'm not even sure it does change their life forever, you have to give them the skills to make sure it doesn't. Remember all you know, he lived already - maybe just for that time in the womb, maybe for days or weeks or months, Our DC for the first couple of years.....

You are not alone.

bostonkremekrazy I am so sorry to hear your situation, well done for having days when you forget it and learning to deal with it.

It's like the circles of support after bereavement.

stillstandingmag.com/2015/03/circles-of-support/

Your son is in the middle and you are on the next ring out. So you offer support to him for his feelings. And you dump your feelings on someone on an outer ring to you - in your situation that would be a counsellor or therapist .

Anything you say towards people nearer the centre than you needs to be supportive and about them, not you. So you need to deal with your feelings of grief and loss elsewhere ( partner, professional ) and NOT with your son.

If you tell him how bad this makes you feel, he will learn that:

1. You are not stong enough to cope with your own feelings , let alone his
2. Feelings are terrible destructive things that can't be talked about
3. He shouldn't talk to you about his feelings because it will make you more sad
4. It's his fault that you feel this way. If you hadn't adopted him, you would be happy.

And I know that you don't want his to think or feel any of these things.

From the point of view of someone who has done a lot of life story work with children and young people as part of my job, and have had to tell them some really awful things what sticks in my mind is how much of an anticlimax it all is. I've had to do some 'big reveals' of horrific abuse to high school age young people perpetrated when they were babies/toddlers. Their parents had always put off telling them so i had to do months of therapeutic work to build up to explaining this to them. There wasn't much difference/change in how they presented within their families before and after being told this. Who knows what was going on in their heads though.

The drip effect that others have spoken about seems a much less painful way to do this for the child but I'd imagine this would be hard when you feel so heartbroken for your DS and his past.

The thing that does stick out to me is how much loyalty these children continued to have towards birth family. I'm sure you would be very careful about this and you're venting here as you're upset and find it painful to think about but just thinking about the language you would use when explaining is important...in my experience adopted adolescents can have a very binary view of who is 'good' and who is 'bad' or the 'winners' and 'losers' in the situation. Any inkling of judgement of bf can cause ructions. The child really struggles to identify who is 'good' and who is 'bad' in the situation...you 'took' me from my bf and I'm not allowed to see them so are you the baddie? My bf neglected me, if that makes them bad and I'm biologically related to them then I must be bad too? It doesn't feel good at all to be the baddy so me and my bf must be the goodies who have been wronged as this is far less painful. This causes lots of confusion and split loyalties.

May seem like I've veered off the point think this all goes back to how you take care to manage your own emotions around this and how to plant those seeds and drop pebbles from a very young age to make sure that this information is shared and develops so it evolves over the years. It's important you access support so you can contain your son's emotions so he can feel safe and supported as and when he starts to develop an understanding.

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 thank you for your excellent words.

Could I ask how you manage to get kids to express how they feel about situations.

It's taken a long time to learn (for me) to shut up with our birth dd (aged 12) and let her express her view, not to try and impose it!

Our adopted son is 6 and I am getting better at letting him have his say but it is hard. Especially if there is a silence one wants to fill!

Not wishing to derail but learning to let kids talk seems vital.

Thanks

No problem, some kids may never find the words to explain how they feel, some might not need to but the most important thing is that there's the opportunity and the child feels safe to do so. In terms of speaking about bf I guess it's important to stick to facts without judgement but it's okay for you to own and name the emotions that arise for you in terms of thinking about their time with BF. E.g. 'I feel sad when I think about you not having enough to eat Sheba you were a baby because I'm your mummy and I love you so much so I want to make sure you always have enough to eat' vs 'I feel sad your birth family didn't care enough to give you enough food' does that make sense?

I guess the two most important day to day things are modelling emotion talk and validation...modelling emotion talk is really helpful a) to teach the skill. So just dropping in how you feel and what it is that's making you feel that way. 'I'm feeling so proud that I baked such a lovely cake' 'I'm starting to feel angry because I've had to ask for shoes to be put away three times' extra super duper bonus points if you then do something calming to manage the anger! (Remembering to use I statements!)

Validation is about naming how you think the child feels (checking that you're correct, they'll soon correct you if you're not) and saying out loud why that feeling or behaviour makes sense. Again just dropping this is as a family into regular day to day conversation. Partly to train yourself to do it when you're all calm so it doesn't feel clunky and unatural and partly so it just becomes part of how you communicate as a family. I often use the analogy that if you decide to compete in the Olympics then you need to keep training and practising...if you try just turning up on the day and running as fast as you can you're unlikely to be successful. This is the same as trying to use a new skill or technique in the moment when emotions are running high for everyone.

An example might be 'I wonder if you're shouting because you're worried about your spelling test tomorrow? That would make sense because I know you find spellings really tough' or 'it's really disappointing to spill your drink over your lovely picture. I don't know any kids who wouldn't be sad about that' 'of course you're afraid to go to sleep, it makes sense because you had a bad dream last night' the idea is that you convey that you understand the behaviour/emotion that it's valid and makes sense while at no point condoning the actual behaviour if it's inappropriate or destructive. Again these are 'drip drip drip' techniques that take a while to start to see the benefits but they do work well once you're all used to it. One family I worked with knew it was starting to take effect despite their child never responding or seeming to react when their parents overheard the YP validating the family pets!!

Hope that helps

Sheba??? I meant when!

Also kids can smell it a mile off if you think you want them to 'disclose' or tell you their deepest darkest feelings...they'll either roll out a stock answer or change the subject. In my experience children are most comfortable doing this out of the blue in the car. I think it's feeling contained, enclosed and safe, you're not going anywhere and that it's comfortable and natural to talk without eye contact. It creates almost a 'safety bubble'

Any little bit of emotion talk praise it gently 'thank you for telling me how you feel, I'm proud of you, that must have been hard' but don't push or expect huge break through. Maybe a gentle 'can you help me understand that a bit better?' 'I'd like to hear more about that so I can see if there's anything I can do to make it easier' 'you can tell me a bit more about when x y z happened if you like' as coral said it's important to convey that you can take it and hold their distress to make them feel safe. That's your job as the adult. I guess thinking about it as I type its a reverse drip drip effect from kids...they need to test the waters...how will mum respond respond? Will she looked shocked? am I going to make her feel too sad? Disgusted with me? Will she think I'm bad? So they often drop pebbles themselves to gauge the reaction.

Hope you can pick something useful out of my waffling!

Sorry! Me again...realised I forgot the b) in modelling emotion talk...it's obvious but it helps teach the actual words to describe feelings to kids who might find that difficult.

Such helpful posts alltheusernames.

I think that most children don't react to the reveal because it's not a revela to them. Because they were there. Because it happened when they were pre verbal, they don't usually have the words to express it. But they still know and carry the feeling about it somewhere deep inside.

I also agree with your comments about children identifying with the birth family and strong reactions to anything that is seen as critical of them.

Dan Hughes uses a lot of statements with empathy " Gee that must have been scary for you when you were a little baby and didn't have enough to eat . You must have wondered what that pain was in your tummy and why no one came to fix it " .

Which of course leads on to issues affecting the child now, such as not knowing when they are full so over eating. Or hoarding food. Or getting angry when they are hungry. Or not caring for their bodies in other ways.

Exactly...The children have lived through a horrific experience that we can only begin to imagine and even just that imagining causes us as adults distress. guess it must feel very disconcerting to know something awful and scary happened, holding that trauma in the body but not having the words or the 'actual' (can't think of a better word) memory there to visualise it. The cases I'm referring to both happened when the child was under 18 months and included limbs broken intentionally, sexual abuse and paedophile rings. The surprising response from one of the YP was 'is that all?' I'd imagine they'd been building it all up in their head for years and years and the reality was actually more palatable than what they'd imagined.

Yes, empathy and validation are very similar and often interchangeable...both the six levels of validation and 5 levels empathy are similar...validation is like empathy plus...it sort of adds on a level of acceptance and UPR of the person as an imperfect fallible human being on top of the understanding of empathy. That's how I've come to understand the difference between empathy and validation at least.

Now fast forward a few years when I have an actual adopted child and I'm sure it'll all be a lot harder for me to put into practice when I'm living and breathing it all!

Oh, my turn to ask a question...which Dan Hughes book is a good starting point? I've had a look but there are just loads so didn't know where to start!

Sorry to 'derail' OP!

Just another thought OP, where are you at in terms of using 'adoption' language around your LO? Do they have access to their life story book? I don't know what usual practice is now as it's a long time since I've worked with littlies but when I used to make life story books it was recommended that they get used to seeing it from a very young age. I often used to make a laminated copy that went in the toy box or on the box shelf with their stories so it was a familiar item that they got used to seeing all the time.

Sorry to derail OP but just wanted to say thanks to alltheusernames for the really helpful stuff about the modelling emotion talk, empathy and validation. Particularly pertinent for me at the moment and much appreciated.

Yes..." In my experience children are most comfortable doing this out of the blue in the car." I took my dd for a drive in the car, the long way back from taking a friend home, we were miles away before she said "Where are we going!" Good for talking.

That's for being so very helpful, Alltheusernamesaretaken321.

You're welcome. I'm lurking here as we're not 6 months past our last miscarriage yet so I'm glad I can offer support as well as learning so much from all you pros on here.

Really interesting stuff from all viewpoints here, thank you. Re Dan Hughes, I don't claim to have read them all, but got a lot out of "building the bonds of attachment: awakening love in deeply troubled children"

Poppy stellar, glad you found my posts helpful. It can be so hard to know where to start with it all. Also with modelling emotion talk, if the child struggles to even identify emotions it can help to name where and how you experience feelings in your body...next level is then noticing how some feelings can feel the same in our bodies and make it hard to know the difference some times...e.g. When I'm excited or really really happy I get a tickly feeling in my tummy but sometimes when I'm scared or nervous I get the same tickly feeling in my tummy' this can help to explain on of the reasons some kids get emotionally disregulated when they've never leaned to notice and identify emotions. Why sometimes a really happy fun day suddenly turns into world war 3. Those feelings all get jumbled up and confused and explode!