Tough times, TP is hard!

[Sweepy82]

AD4 is having so many tantrums at the moment. Mainly over very small things like her not liking what's on TV. I've tried to limit TV time but this just leads to more shouting and screaming. Compromise is that if there is a programme on that AD and AS don't like them we turn TV off and play with the many many toys they have. Today AD has had two screaming fits about me not turning the TV over on to a programme she wants to watch. She gets full of rage and it's horrendous. I am really struggling to keep calm. I did shout at her today as talking to her calmly just escalates the screaming and stamping feet and the volume is insane. I feel so bad after but I'm struggling to not shout more and more. We always talk things through and have cuddles after both of us have calmed down but im not sure how to stop the screaming, crying and shouting. I dont understand why she gets so mad but have tried thinking out loud to possible reasons (but doesn't work). Our AS has tantrums but I am able to stay calm with him (he is slightly younger). Help feel frustrated and miserable today

I get the same, AS will kick off whatever AD chooses, or will try to control things when its her turn by shouting over her or telling her what to say (not helped by the fact that she dithers!)

Hugs x

Thanks CrazyCatLady! Just feel worn down and a bit empty. Hug very much appreciated today x

Sweepy no advice here but big hugs. Our 8 all had specific learning difficulties and we had them young. I take my hat off to you all, I admire you all. XX

No advice but just wanted to say you are not alone. I'm having very similar issues with DD and it is hard and exhausting and knackering.

I'm doing a TP course at the minute and one of the things I'm learning (and that is giving me great comfort seeing as how I feel like I shout a lot more than I want to) is the idea that the 'rupture' isn't as important as the 'repair'. Basically that it is human and it happens to all of us that we get stressed / shout / behave in less than therapeutic ways, but that if we repair each rupture properly (as you seem to be doing) by talking through, saying sorry, reassuring them of unconditional love and security etc, then this is what will help them to develop the skills and emotional resilience they missed out on pre adoption.

I'm not sure I've explained that very clearly but hopefully you get the gist of it. Basically, don't beat yourself up!

Thanks 2old2beamum! PoppyStella thanks and that has made me feel slightly better. I haven't been on a TP course. SafeBase has been mentioned but currently don't have child care to look after the LOs and think AD isn't processing things in an age appropriate way. Lots of misunderstandings.
I will try harder today, hopefully we can all remain calm today.

It's really hard, but when I am losing my calm I try (try!) to remember "they're not doing it TO me" it's really not about me, it's about what's going on in their tiny heads and hearts. My AD cannot manage strong emotions either, and goes from zero to rage in a milisecond. Spotting the early signs or triggers is hard work and is making me as hypervigilant as she is

Some things that work for us -

get into water. Paddling pool, bath, big tub of water and bubbles on the floor, anything that LO can splash in. Cool water is even better, seems to have a sensory calming effect.

Visual timer - we have one of those things with bubbles that drip down. Something to watch for 2 minutes and create a pause before attempting to resolve whatever the problem is.

Playdough - almost as good as water if feelings spotted early, but need to encourage loads of hard squeezing with hands.

DVDs in episodes - we tend to use DVDs of things with fairly short episodes, to manage the screen time and help LO understand units of time a little. So one more "Little Princess" and then we're going to have lunch, for example. It's much easier than cbeebies which never ends...

Laughing - it's extremely hard but if you can be playful and get her laughing, you'll be able to distract out of the huge feelings a lot of the time. When I feel like screaming I sometimes stomp around the house gurning and singing the "I'm a silly monster" song (c) which has an amazing distraction effect as they beg me to stop!

Some great advice on this post. I've only joined Mumsnet today because we've had our 2 adoptive children for just about 3 mths and the older one has had some corking tantrums. But we are slowly finding it getting better and better. We are 100 times better off now with them than 3 months ago when it was hour long tantrums every day. Now he is much happier. The SW suggested that as he seemed very happy to be in our home it was most likely due to him being scared it would not last. So we started to talk long term - ie "When you are grown up you can drive daddy's sports car; or take mummy shopping". He started to acknowledge that he'd be here when he was all grown up and you could see how happy he was to discuss what we'd be doing well into the future.

Only yesterday, also, he was talking to my husband and said that he has bad dreams and they have eyes. This was such an enormous breakthrough as we wondered why he wakes up seemingly angry sometimes. So we've now given him a dream catcher and in the morning are extra loving as we know he is probably feeling delicate.

His first words to me this morning were "Mummy I still had bad dreams." I was sad but so happy he had told me as the morning before, he just woke up and sulked and it eventually ended up in a tantrum, partly my fault, I'm ashamed to say, as I was frustrated because to me it seemed he had no reason to be moody as he'd only just woken up and had plenty of sleep.
It's a mine field!!! But to all of the frustrated parents going through tantrums and very hard times in the early days, I can only say it definitely gets better as the child starts to realise that they are really in a home for life.

I'm no expert but this sounds to me like a control thing. If you have a smart TV could you pick programmes to put on instead of whatever is on the TV. If not offer her either the programme or a DVD (get DVDs with short films on like gruffalo- age dependant)?