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Adoption

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Original poster

We've just had 'the call...'

12 replies

Pookythebear · 10/05/2017 17:04

Hello, looking for some perspective and advice please... we have 2 AC (not blood related siblings) 5 years and 2 years. DS1 we got at 18 months, DS2 we got at 2 months. Love them to pieces. We are a very happy little lot.

Just had the call from SS. DS1 has a new baby sibling, would we consider him? Arghhh. We had kinda decided not to - we were lucky with our family. Everyone sleeps! We have a routine! And then this...

Will have to chat to DH later. I'm not sure if I CAN say no (to say nothing for DH) but I have been thrown. It's made me feel all sorts of things that I didn't expect.

Thoughts?! Tia x

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 10/05/2017 18:43

Oh thats a tough one!
An awful lot to consider. I am a huge believer in going with your instincts so what is your gut reaction?

Original poster

Pookythebear · 10/05/2017 19:04

I think probably not, but I don't know if that's because we've just always thought that on the hypothetical... it seems a lot tougher choice than what I thought it would be. I also feel that my 'probably not' reasons are a bit selfish! Sleepless nights, have we enough room etc etc!

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 10/05/2017 19:24

Well you have a lot to lose if the new child unsettles the others and disrupts your happy family unit .
I dont think those are selfish reasons tbh you are being pragmatic thats all and i would try as much as possible to remove all emotion from the decision. Dont be swayed by guilt etc but look at it in the cold light of day and weigh it up dispassionately is my advice .

YouMeddlingKids · 10/05/2017 19:31

What a tough decision, it shows what a great mum you are that you're considering it. But don't feel that you can't say no, your primary responsibility is to your two children, and it's entirely reasonable to conclude that two is enough. Depending on the circumstances they could have many biological siblings come along in future years, that isn't something you can control and it isn't your responsibility.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/05/2017 19:32

I agree with flapjack. You've already been so selfless. It's time to protect the little setup you have, that YOU have done wonders to create, I'm sure. There are other loving families who will give the sibling a great home, it really doesn't have to be you. The siblings can still be introduced when they are old enough, surely?

Also consider if a whole string of siblings was produced. It's not unheard of. Would you feel obliged to give a home to each one?

You don't owe anyone anything, you really don't. For any reason. But if you had maybe not considered your family finished then obviously it needs to be thought about seriously.

If you had already both decided that that was it, then that is it. Tell DH about the call, by all means and then tell him your thoughts. I bet he's on the same page, but also feeling the guilt.

bobbybaby2017 · 10/05/2017 19:37

What happens if you take this one and another comes along in a couple of years?

Original poster

Pookythebear · 10/05/2017 20:23

Thanks so much for replies. You are all pretty much reflecting what DH has just said to me. Although we are tearful (me) and welling in they eyes (him) about it, we have agreed that it's probably a no but to sleep on it and look at it tomorrow in the cold light of day. Just got to keep thinking of the happiness of our little family.

Completely touched by all your sound advice. Thanks so much.

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bostoncremecrazy · 10/05/2017 21:48

just from another angle....we had the call after we adopted 2 and had a BC,
we said yes....
the day we went to panel we found out BM was pg, and so had to search ourselves long and hard....
we said yes again.
we have 4 adopted siblings..and a birth child.
we never regret it for a moment....but it is hard. our baby was 5 months on placement.
from placement everyone slept through, we had a routine - we had to! - BUT i had 3 under 4s....i cannot work, and my life for now revolves around the school run and what the children need.
it is harder and more wonderful than i every imagined.
I think FOR ME, saying no would have been much much harder.
I have asked for no more phone calls.....

C0RAL · 10/05/2017 23:01

Of course you can say no if it's not right for you and your family.

Remember that the bulk of the work and change will fall to you and not DH and the children ( I'm assuming you are the primary parent so apologies if that's wrong ) . So you get the deciding vote.

And this might change the dynamics if two of the children are Bio siblings but the other one is not. Do your I have any contact with birth family of either children ? Are there plans for contact for this new baby and if so , how would that work out with Dd1?

Also you know as well as I do that losing at least two children to the care system over a period of 6 years indicates complex and deep seated problems that have implications for a child's future. Your older DD is still young and you don't know yet what the long term effects on her might be, let alone this baby.

It's very complicated and there's no right or wrong decsion here. Because you know that whatever you decide , this baby will be placed with loving parents.

I understand it's a horrible horrible thing to " say no" to a tiny baby who is linked to one of your children and of course you will feel hugely guilty in the short term .

But you need to look to the bigger picture and what's right for you all.

pansydePotter · 11/05/2017 08:17

I don't think saying "no" is the least bit selfish. You are trying to be the best parents you can possibly be to your existing children. You know that you will not be that, if you are exhausted by the new baby.

I would ask myself if anyone would be disadvantaged by you saying no. I can't see that they will. However later down the line you will have two children who know they are blood related and one who is not. That in itself might throw up a problem.

Bitchfromhell · 11/05/2017 10:45

You must have fought so hard to get to where you are that anything to upset the apple cart would be difficult. In your shoes I don't think I could do it either. Not if we had a happy little unit.
I know one set of adoptive parents that have two siblings out of 17. They got plenty of calls in the early years and have never regretted sticking to their two. I know they wonder about the other kids a lot but only to hope they are ok. Not with regret. There is no contact afaik.

Original poster

Pookythebear · 11/05/2017 12:38

Hi - thanks again for thoughts. A big thing for me would be how DS2 would feel - I would hate for him to feel 'less' of a brother to DS1 as he is the one not biologically related. He might not, but you just don't know...

The hard bit for me is that it goes against every maternal instinct in my body and mind to say no to a tiny, vulnerable baby. And I know it probably won't be the last call we get. I think it will be a no, but I won't stop thinking about it or him for a long time, Im sure.

And yes, we will push for contact - there are no other siblings involved with either of our children as it stands and no other contact apart from annual letterbox with BM.

OP posts:

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