Should we be worried?

[silence1969]

We adopted our four-year-old boy when he was seven months old. He was taken from his birth mother just after he was born, the last of five children. Unlike his siblings, he has never met her. However, we met her as part of the adoption process.

About six months ago, we were told by the authorities that she was moving to the same city as us- which is a very small city. Since then, we found out that it that she is living temporarily in sheltered accommodation about 200yards from so away from where we live. Since then, we seen her on a number of occasions, but we're not sure whether she recognises us. Once, we walked straight past her and our little boy was with us. The last couple of times we've seen her, she's been on the library steps, or by the river, obviously under the influence of something and with people who are drinking openly, first thing in the morning.

To our knowledge, she's never been told where we live.

Our lad knows that he is adopted of course; but the obvious worry is that, under the influence, his birth mother may put two and two together one day upon seeing us and say something or get emotional. This would most likely have a profound effect on our son, and it's something we don't really want to entertain at the moment. He is an extremely well-balanced and happy little lad.

Social services and housing have said that there's not a lot they can do, but in my view placing her somewhere so near to where we live is, in the least, clumsy and irresponsible.

Are we right to worry? Is there anything more we can do?

200 yards! That's incredibly close. Given the proximity of her move, I would be asking SS to investigate whether there is any chance info has been passed to BM. Hopefully it is just a freaky coincidence, but either way I think you probably have to move.

No chance she will recognise your son from 7 months old. If she is an addict then she may well not recognise someone she met for 20-30 min 3 years ago. Frankly I'm not sure I would recognise my child's BP if I saw them on the street out of context- so hopefully the risks aren't too bad in the short term.

SS should help you to fund a move. I would be looking to be as far as possible for your needs in an area she will never go (i.e. if you must be in the same city make it a leafy suburb). If SS are recalcitrant about paying for the move, I'd just get on with it and pursue them for some reasonable contribution later.

If she's been placed there by SS I'd be making a formal complaint- it's more than just clumsy, its negligent. Has she been forced to move area to get housing? If this is the case SS should be able to force another move back to the original town. You first need to get onto your PASW and find out as much as possible. Don't accept any delays or obfuscation.

So glad your son is doing well. This must be rubbish, but it's temporary and hopefully he will never know.

Thanks so much for your thoughts – plenty to think about there, and extremely helpful!

The social worker has said one of the problems is poor communication between social services and housing – it's virtually non-existent. The birth mother has been moved from her home town because she's been kicked out of most hostels in the county, so the one she's in now is one of the few remaining.

I do think I need to step things up and look at complaining, at a more formal level. I haven't talked through us actually moving with my wife – that seems quite a drastic measure, especially as the boy is so well settled and due to start at a lovely primary school in September. It is a consideration if we feel worried enough, though.

Thanks so much again.

There would have been no communication between housing and ss...there is no such list of where children are placed and cross reference with where BM can be put in hostels etc. That in itself would be dangerous for our children if it fell into the wrong hands.
It seems this is just bad luck - and highly doubtful ss will pay for you to move, why should they? They have done nothing wrong as far as you know.
If it is temporary accomodation I would lay low and wait for her to move on....I expect she will before long.
If she is drinking I highly doubt she is looking in the face of every child she passes looking for her child....she is probably just trying to get through the day.
If your child is average looking she most likely wont recognise him if taken shortly after birth.
It is a concern yes, but i wouldnt be in a panic just yet.
Do you know what risk she poses if she did find you? That is what you need to weigh up?

Silence I doubt you'll be entitled to any help with moving house and completely agree that unsettling your DC with a move would be unhelpful.

We had to move house, and cities, when our AC's violent birth dad was being released from prison. We moved because we were aware that soc servs had not been protective of our personal info. We didn't ask for help, even though our DC wasn't on an adoption order yet, because they were crap. So we moved and took the financial burden ourselves.

I think that in your position you ought to stay put and keep a low profile for a bit. If your DC's BM is still living a chaotic lifestyle, as she seems to be with regard to substance misuse, she's unlikely to stay in her current accommodation for long. Also, as you said, it's only temporary accommodation anyway and the chances of her being given another property close to you is highly unlikely.

It's a crap situation I know but if it's short-term it might be possible.

Communication between different agencies is crap, for all sorts of reasons, and I doubt that complaining will get you anywhere apart from raising your blood pressure further.

A few too many "craps' in that last post, sorry!

Thanks Boston and Crisp.

Those thoughts are a little more calm and along the lines of my wife's thinking. Trouble is, I think BM's current place is end of the line, and she's been there a while now.

I do think she's too busy surviving to notice much else, though. By all evidence, so low profile advice seems very wise and reassuring.

The boy is very good looking and bright-faced, and always noticed by passers-by. So while he's completely gorgeous, that's not in our favour with this situation!

Sorry to hear what an awful situation you are in. I'm sure its all adopters worst fear. As with people who lead turbulent lives I'm sure it will only be a matter if time before she moves. It doesn't sit easy though worrying when/if you bump into her :( will any services tell you if she moves? Are you able to have that conversation with ss? Not sure if it complies with confidentiality or how it all works.

The boy is very good looking and bright-faced, and always noticed by passers-by.
spoken as a doting parent!
I think when a poster alluded to your son being 'ordinary looking', they meant whether he had any specific distinguishing features that would make BM look twice, like a prominent birthmark or a unicorn tusk etc.
On a more serious note, it's extremely unfortunate that BM has moved in 200 yards away.I think the only thing you can do, short of moving yourself, is to appeal to senior SS to liaise with senior Hsg Officer to move her on as soon as possible, either to permanent accommodation or to an alternative hostel. There must be other 'end of the line' hostel type places if they cast the net wide enough.
I think it's doubtful that she would be able to recognise you, but I can understand your dis ease with it

Yes Bingy, SS will / have told us about her movements, so not too worried on that score. I think you're right- SS and housing need to be asked firmly to liaise properly...

Re 'ordinary looking' I realised point previous poster meant- and I know I'm a doting parent! However, he's EXTREMELY engaging- will say "hello" and smile at random strangers, so is very noticeable- so this is a genuine concern.

Thanks for all your thoughts - appreciated.

OMG, what are the chances? How incredibly unsettling.

Remember you have an advantage here, in that you know she is in your city. She doesn't know you are there so is not on the look out. You are on the alert and aware you might cross paths. And it sounds unlikely that she'll be there for long so little point moving house.

It sounds more likely she'd recognise you than your ds as she's met you, but not seen him since birth, Do you know if she had any photos of you? If so, I'd actually be tempted to make some simple changes to your appearances (grow/ shave off a beard, change a hair style or colour and avoid wearing the outfits you wore on the day you met) and she's very unlikely to be able to recognise you after a single meeting. I'd also have a code signal with your dp meaning she's over there so you can swiftly change direction without panic. (e.g. The dentist is at 11 o'clock)

Then get onto SS and demand suggest a discreet re-allocation of accommodation for her. Good luck.

LOL at very good looking :) - all our kids are gorgeous of course! I did mean distinguishing features as PP mentioned....our kids would be immediately noticed due to their genetic syndrome, my friends adopted daughter has a birthmark on her face so would also be noticed...etc.
If your boy is average in the sense of could blend in with all the kids in his nursery class...then you are probably fine and BM won't realise he is the tiny baby she last saw.
RE the 'extremely engaging' - at age 4 I would be actively doing all I can to stop this....it is a more common for adopted children to be like this than their non-adopted peers (re attachment etc), but you need to be working hard on stranger danger and stopping him from saying hello to people he does not know. It is cute yes, and I'm sure with his good looks you as a couple have found it adorable, BUT with the additional risk of BM around, and him off to school without you in september I would begin now to work on him not talking to strangers....it may take some time to break this habit so start now.
hope this helps!

Silence the BM's accommodation is temporary, don't forget this. It may seem like the end of the line but it's not permanent in any way. The fact she's been placed so close to you is just a fluke, I'm sure.

However I get completely why you might be feeling freaked out

We had further geographical and identifying issues relating to security but I don't want to divulge on here. Please PM me if you want to talk further.