Intros, family and school

[ClarindaDazzle]

Hi, long time lurker here but after a long two and a half year journey I'm due to start intros in 2 weeks! LO IS 4, due to start school in Sept and I have a BC age 7.
I would really welcome some advice and rough ideas on timelines (but I do know that nothing is certain and everything must be flexible).
How long are intros likely to last with a 4yo?
I'm a single adopter so family will be involved as part of my support network, how long did you wait before introducing grandparents and Aunt/Uncle and cousins?
We will be doing the school run twice a day so will be out and about to some extent through necessity and I think some element of picking up and dropping off to school will help with the going to school preparation (it will be a swift in and out, I'm not a big playground talker). School have a pre school and have offered pre school sessions where I can go with LO and stay (be with her and stay alongside her) and can do sessions on our terms to suit us. Part of me thinks this would be a good idea to have experience of being in the building so that she could start school in September and it all would be on our terms, but I'm worried it would be too early. If I wait it will be the school holidays and won't be possible.
What sort of pace would you take things (I do know it's probably an impossible question to answer)
I've learnt so much from reading these threads over the years, your advice would be appreciated. Thank you

First of all, congratulations .

I would imagine intros will be around 10-14 days.

I would delay starting LO school as long as possible, at least until January. Defo not September, she will only have been home for 3 months.

And I'd only introduce essential relatives now, perhaps two grandparents . Leave the next closest until the late summer and distant ones until nearer Christmas .

Otherwise LO will struggle to adapt to all these new things at once and you will all pay for it in the long term.

Preschool is going to be too many people too soon. LO needs to attach to you and feel safe and secure before meeting others. I appreciate as a single adopter you will be introducing some people a little earlier than most but I would still limit this to 2 people at most. Everyone else should wait at least 4 weeks to limit confusion and strengthen your bond.
I am surprised they haven't told you how long intros will be seems as they are so close.
Take things very slowly. She has you ad your BC to adjust to firstly, everyone else can wait.

I am a foster carer and intros for us have been a week only but that was with a baby. It may change with age I'm unsure and possibly lay different locations have different policy's and I'm guessing this will also depend how close you are to the present carers.

We adopted two 4-year olds recently. Intros were just over a week, but we had also had 'soft-intros' (i.e. a couple of days) a few weeks before.
We didn't introduce any relatives for weeks and so far have only introduced my best friend and one set of grandparents. The grandparents will be doing a lot of future childcare when they finally move up here, but we have had some issues as the children used to call their FCs "grandparent names" (they weren't their GPs but the connotations that GPs are people you go off and live with has taken some going over).
I won't say how long we left school as I was flamed by all for mentioning it last time, but it was not at all long. We did start both as part time though so they had 1:1 time with me, which was fab. Being able to go along to pre-school sounds fab, but as others have said, don't go just yet as its a lot going on.

Our intros with our 3 almost 4 year were 10 days.

Our ds turned 4 under 5 months after joining us. The school wanted him to start full time days later!

We said no!

He went to local pre school once or twice a week.

Then started part-time school from Christmas and full time school from either Easter or the half term (can't remember now it was two years ago, think it was from May - this was on advice from Ed psych.

Agree with Coral, Lucky and other wise advice.

're relatives, grandparents within two months, for us, sister (cloest relative) within three months, all on home ground.

Go easy. You can always speed up but you can't go backwards.

hopefully you will have a intro plan soon - but i would guess 7-10 days for a 4 yr old....

re school, like PP I would say delay the september start until at least january. You'll need more time to be alone forming attachments - think baby - how long were you at home with your BC when they were born before they off to nursery alone? its the same thing....you need time alone to just be together learning to be mum and child and forming that attachment.

if they have been used to nursery then consider 2 mornings a week in reception or something if school will allow, but don't do fulltime in september.

re other family - its hard because you are a single adopter, but i'd be leaving it a few weeks probably...and then short gradual introduction. Even better if family members can be helping you by doing the school run for your BC, then just a very quick oh hello X, each day, that is a nice way to start - and a good way of avoiding you having to take ac to school each day with the other mums gawking for now.....

Another vote for leaving school as long as possible. And then very very part time. Three months is nothing in attachment terms and school will be terribly confusing for her then.

Don't listen to sws on that as, IME and anecdotally on here, most know nothing about attachment.

Just adding to the chorus - delay school. They don't need to be there and it's far more important they get a chance to get to feel secure with you. And if they're feeling insecure they'll learn nothing anyway.

I was given a bit of a hard time by the head about delaying ds's start at school but it was well worth it.

He is pretty happy at school now and I think/hope well attached three years in.

I agree with others advice about delaying school start.

As a fellow single adopter I think the timescales some others have suggested for introducing the rest of the family may not work for you. You need to think about your needs and your BC too. I think the main thing is to ensure that you are providing the care and to keep things low key. Do remember to take care of yourself

For the first week my birth dc's school was brilliant - they pulled him out early to leave thru main reception so we didn't have to deal with playground crowds.
What threw us in the intros was the childcare needed for birth ds - not just leaving him with grandparents early/late to be there for waking and going to bed - but him having to be transported over to meet adopted dc for an hour or so. Obviously we sorted it all out but we hadn't thought about it.

Thank you for all your responses - school are being very supportive so I will talk to them about delaying a September start. JustHappy3 - leaving through main reception is a good idea. I've not got the intro plan yet and part of my worry is how intros will work in reality with bc. I can't make childcare plans as I don't have the detail of what's needed on what day. Just one more week of waiting....

Good luck! I second leaving via main reception.
I think you need to have a plan in your head and then be prepared for that plan to be changed!
Your lo needs to attach to you that's for sure but equally you might need some space too so maybe 1 or 2 mornings in reception in September could be an option........#preparestobeshotdowninflames
Be flexible and be ready to be led by lo.
Go well x