How is Adoption viewed in your area by others?

[Kameko043]

Everyone in every city, village, town and country around the world views Adoption differently. I'm not trying to offend anyone with my questions below, but am curious to know the following as this subject matter is delicate and is treated differently.

What country do you live in?

When you mention Adoption, are people Family/Relatives, neighbors and others positive or negative and turn away?

Do Family members or outsiders 'label' your child as Adopted even as going so far to introduce the Child to Friends and others as "this is Jim our Adopted Son," or "this is Lisa, our Adopted Grand-daughter"?
OR
There is no label and the Child is accepted based on the fact that he/she is your Child and you are a Family and is introduced as "this is Sarah our Daughter" or "this is Dan our GrandSon."

Does your school treat your child any differently than any other child because they are Adopted?

Do you feel you are on the defense about criticism from others? Or You have never had a negative comment or questioning about your experience, it is just accepted by others, no questions asked.

Thank you for sharing your views. Please share anything you feel important to this subject matter.

"1 - there is NOT a growing trend to adopt from overseas. There are about 300 overseas adoptions in this country every year which has remained more or less the same for the last 10 years. This is a shamefully small number compareed to our European compatriots who adopt about 10 times more than this even from countries like Spain who have about 20 million people less than us. This is becasue it is made so difficult and expensive here. The biggest single cheque I wrote was to Richmond Council for my home study.

2 - I would quite happily have adopted a child of 3 or 4 in the Uk they are not unadoptable, I know many adopters who would happily take a child of that age. I was told that I would probably get a child of about 7-8 who had been sexually abused and they wouldn;twant to place in a housegold with a male (I'm single)

3 - I would quite happily have taken a child who was a different race to me (as indeed my DS is) as there are many more asian/black/mixed race children available for adoption but that is not allowed (or very rarely). Even if the mother was single and white and the father is unknown they will still not place with a single white mother. They are quite happy however to put said child in foster care with white carers for years whilst waiting for the perfect family.

4 - are you saying that british children are more worthy of a home than foreign children? Why?

4 - what is wrong with wanting a baby? Didn't you? Presumably you weren't planning a pregnancy hoping for a 7yr old to appear. "

Thank you SueJonez for putting it so well. Five plus years down the track I am so weary of adoption debates, I can barely bring myself to engage in them anymore, but CAT me if you ever feel a need for me to weigh in on Mnet! Fortunately, we have had very few if any negative comments about our adoptions, but that's probably because I swiftly learnt to discourage all opening gambits with a very frigid and haughty politeness!

And I so completely agree with you. No amount of perceived cultural or racial integrity can compensate for a childhood without an adult who loves you. Unconditionally.

How's it going with Daniel? Did you find that book helpful?

Reasons families have given my friend for not adopting a child

1 His mother drank during pregnancy
2 They didnt like the girls hair colour

grumpygirl - you say you would adopt an older child if you had the room and the finance.There are lots of children aged 7, 8 years + who have additional support needs who are waiting to be adopted. You woudl get an adoption allowance to help you financaily and you coudl move house to a cheaper area for more room. . Don't let financial issues stop you.

However, foetal alcohol syndrome/effects are extremely serious and life impacting conditions - I'm surprised you dismiss them as "ridiculous". They are far less ridiculous than the " I dont have the money or space" arguement. If I said to you

" oh I woudl really love another baby but we dont have teh space"

you woudl say " if you really wanted another child you woudl find teh space". And you woudl be right

BTW your friend seems to be remarkably indiscrete about her clients. I woulndt trust a frined like that with any of MY confidences!

Hi Issymum - thanks for the book - I must get it back to you as I think I will buy a copy. No time for reading at the moment though!

Daniel is a joy and has settled down really well. He is even dealing with me back to work part-time pretty well at least as well as any child would. I'm lucky as my childcare is excellent.

SueJonez: It would be great to have it back sometime but no rush! We don't seem to be going through a very 'adoptiony' phase at the moment. DD1 (6yo) is much more interested in death, earthquakes and Nelson getting his arm severed(!), than adoption issues and I'm beginning to wonder whether DD2, our very own party girl, will ever ask any of those key adoption questions.

I live in Los Angeles which I do realize is a "country" unto itself.....My boss (white) has a daughter adopted from china, my children's best friends are adopted...coincidentally both by gay parents. My ds' friend is mixed race adopted by two (white) dads who also have 3 other mixed race adopted children all from the usa (3 from california and one from the other end of the country) and my dd's friend is guatemalan adopted by two (white) moms. Obviously in all these cases, the children are clearly not biologically theirs. I don't think it makes any difference in how they are treated at school or by their friends. What I think is amazing is that my children just think that 2 moms or 2 dads or children that are a different race than their parents is perfectly "normal" and just another type of family unit. I don't think my children (4 and 6) or any of their classmates really have any conscious idea that their friends who are adopted are any different than their friends who are not. This exposure and openess to and about varying types of lifestyles is part of why I was so adamant about moving back to California to bring up my children. We lived in several very ethnic and liberal parts of London when we were in the UK and still never came across anything like this. If there were any adopted children in my ds' class, I certainly didn't know about it. I have a cousin who was adopted and he has never been treated any differently by the rest of the family and we are all really close. I really don't remember that when I made friends with kids when I was older that I had any awareness that being adopted was anything other than a piece of information about how this person entered the world, like that they were born in a hosptal or came from another country.
I admire anyone who goes through the adoption process and think that it is such an absolutely wonderful gift to be able to give a child....you get to "choose" them and give them the gift of love. I only wish adoption was easier and more readily available to everyone in places outside of the usa.

We have an adopted daughter (from this country, placed with us when she was one, we were really lucky). To answer the original question: no, she isn't treated differently, all my close friends and family treat her just the same as if she were a birth child. TBH I don't think any of them even really think about it any more. Even the few neighbours and work coleagues who know don't treat me or her differently and certainly nobody has ever introduced her as my adopted daughter. I am careful though who I tell about it: largely because I think it is up to her to tell people if she wants to when she is older but also because you can't necessarily predict people's reactions. In our case nobody can see she is adopted, though she looks nothing like me (blonde and blue eyed while I have dark hair and grren eyes.) and the only similarity she has with my husband are blue eyes.

On the other subject of adopting from abroad: I know the arguments against it but I would definitely have considered it. We were approved for a child aged 0-7, and had accepted that we might get older children and now that I look back on how hard being a parent is, and the added problems of adopting (worrying about her bonding with you, whether they are going to have attachment disorders etc) I think we were pretty naive. The preparation and support available to adoptive parents who have problems is very poor in this country. I did at one point think about giving up because everything I was told was so negative and I thought I want to be a Mum not an amatuer therapist. And yes, what is wrong with wanting a baby. I really think people should leave other people alone.

thats interesting KSmum - the people who give me a hard time about adopting from overseas rather than this ocuntry have NEVER adopted form this country themselves. Domestic adopters have without exception been lovely and in fact just treat me as a normal part of the adoption community with simialr issues to them. I was told (as a single woman) that I would defintiely get an older child with some problems eg a 7-9 yr old who perhaps had been abused that they didn't want to place with a man. It's hard thing to face in yourself - that your adoption is quite selfish and that you just want a "nice little family" but in essence that what I wanted and going overseas was the only way to do it.

I agree with you, I was also very naive about how hard adoption can be. My DS is fantastic but it took me a while to bond with him and it wasn't really prepared for that! Silly when you now to expect it.