How is Adoption viewed in your area by others?

[Kameko043]

Everyone in every city, village, town and country around the world views Adoption differently. I'm not trying to offend anyone with my questions below, but am curious to know the following as this subject matter is delicate and is treated differently.

What country do you live in?

When you mention Adoption, are people Family/Relatives, neighbors and others positive or negative and turn away?

Do Family members or outsiders 'label' your child as Adopted even as going so far to introduce the Child to Friends and others as "this is Jim our Adopted Son," or "this is Lisa, our Adopted Grand-daughter"?
OR
There is no label and the Child is accepted based on the fact that he/she is your Child and you are a Family and is introduced as "this is Sarah our Daughter" or "this is Dan our GrandSon."

Does your school treat your child any differently than any other child because they are Adopted?

Do you feel you are on the defense about criticism from others? Or You have never had a negative comment or questioning about your experience, it is just accepted by others, no questions asked.

Thank you for sharing your views. Please share anything you feel important to this subject matter.

If this is a media request, please could you put it in media requests? More people will read it there anyway.

I'm adopted (at 9 weeks old). Never treated any different to rest of my family. Most people I meet are curious about it, and ask me questions about it.

I do find it a bit wearing answering questions, and people can overstep the mark with nosiness.

The only thing I remember is a neighbour (adult)telling my friend (age 7) when I was little that I was adopted and she didn't like me because of it, "it wasn't nice" apparently, and I was "different" because of it. I remember saying at the time that I thought the neighbour was rude (I was 6 at the time) Anyway, this stupid old bag wouldn't sit at a table with me.

IMO it is hardest for adoptee, as you are always concious tht you are different from rest of family even if you have never been treated any differently from them. I look nothing like any of my relatives........

Thanks Fizzbuzz. Sounds like you have Family support and that is important. We've experienced some rude, nose-in-our-personal business, lack of support and treated as outsiders from Family and strangers, so I can relate to odd comments, as you received. Thanks again for your input.

colditz, this is not a media request...?

So are you an adoptive parent? Like colditz I assumed this was a request for information either media or dissertation and wouldn't necessarily share this kind of info - however happy to share with a fellow adopter/adoptee.

Live in the UK put up my eldest for adoption

one midwife - very supportive her grandchildren were adopted, thought it was lovely thing to do.

general opinion - that I was wierdo, that I should be embarrassed/ashamed/secretive that I would rather give up my baby to adoption rather than abort (presumably). I know how hard it is to adopt a baby in the UK, I had very few concerns about the life my baby would have in the future.

BTW she went into fostercare for several weeks but I couldn't go thru with it - twas very selfish of me but I was so worried that she would never come find me.

suejonez - yes we are. Trying to find out how the UK views Adoption - Adoptees, Parents, etc. The US, in certain areas, are NOT receptive to the idea, there is a stigma that comes with Adoption and 'label' those Families as such. It is a shame . We see how 'open' or 'accepting' UK are to some things and wonder how is Adoption viewed.

My Family has written me off b/c they wanted a Boy at birth and me, a Girl arrived from them. And our Adoption was 'the final excuse' for them to be rid of me. Not the type of people - Family we want our children around anyway. They couldn't introduce their Nephews, Cousins or Grandchildren with their names, but with a 'label' - "these are the Adopted (Fill in the blank: Newphew, Cousin or Grandchildren)" or "these are the (fill in the blank: Nephew, Cousin or Grandchildren), Adopted, we told you about" or "this is our (fill in the blank: Nephew, Cousin or Grandson) x and x, that are Adopted." The "biological" children from my Sister, are ALWAYS introduced as "this is x and x our (fill in the blank: cousin, nephew or Grandsons)". Growing up, I never heard my Sister introduced as "C-section Daughter x" or "Natural Birth Daughter x". Simply, "this is our Daughter".

Our Children are not of age to understand Adoption, yet, but we will have that conversation with them. If they choose to tell others, that is their choice! After all you wouldn't have someone else tell your Child about the Birds-and-the-Bees or about Father Christmas, would you?

Mainly concerned about backlash from class-mates, teachers/school. Treating them as Classmates or Students and not different or as an outsider.

theophania - you have been through a lot. Hope things are easier and better now (?). Thanks for posting.

Interesting that you think the US is more anti-adoption than the UK, my experience is the opposite. My son is adopted from overseas and I would say that there is a general feeling that this is somehow wrong. The press is very anti and relative starngers feel the need to tell me and my family that they don't think it is right.

Close friends and family however are absolutely fine with him being adopted. None of the introduce him as my "adopted" son. My mother absolutely adores him (and he her) and if anything I would say they have a closer bond than she had with the otehr grandchildren at his age because she was so much more involved. Possibly also because I'm single and because she lives much more locally to me.

The media do tend to label people as "adopted" duaghter of... and I have told all my family if DS is ever described as this eg in my obituary, I will haunt them for the rest of their days!

More, what I've observed than what I think. I've not seen to much in the media on the subject, negative or positive.

Glad your Family adores your Son!

Great idea for your Obituary! Love it!!

I'm going to really stick my neck out here!!

I hate the attitude that it is wrong to adopt children from abroad or overseas. What sort of life will they have if left in Chinese orphanages or whatever? Pretty crap I would imagine, all that shit about not taking them away from their culture.

There quality of life as children of someone who desperately wants them and will expose them to their own culture is not comparable IMO, it is infinitely superior.

I'm adopted and my family are the ones who brought me up, not the ones who put me up for adoption

Obviously I hat it too Fizzbuzz given that my DS was adopted overseas! It was a big lesson to me spending 6 weeks in a childrens home that no amount of staying in the country you are born in is a substitute for having a loving family.

The children (aged 0-4) have nothing personal - no clothes, no toys. They don;t get a bedtime story and tey don;t celebrate birthdays, they move groups to new carers every year and really they aren't special and wonderful to anyone.

Would you want that for your children if anything happened to you? I think not.

Its an easy thing for people to point out the downsides (and of course there are) when they have never seen these children in real life as I have.

oh but sue, they dont need too. they read all about madonna in the tabloids and so it MUST have been just like that for you

sue, sorry to hijack, but I have read your story on other threads and just wanted to say that I'm delighted to hear that you're home with your son. I hope you are both fine. You have inspired me to look into adoption - so - thank you.

Kameko, good luck with making your decision.

I wouldnt view someones adopted child any differently to their birth child. Any old slapper can go out get drunk, get pregnant from what I have heard adopting is far harder.

I do have some reservations about the trend for going abroad to adopt "babies" when my social services friend tells me if a child is still in care in the UK at 3 or 4 it will probably never be adopted.

grumpy -most children in care in the uk are not available for adoption. there are lots of families waiting to adopt young children

are you thinking of adopting an older child eg school age ?

This post may sound odd when I say I don't know a lot about adoption considering I gave my dd up for adoption twenty year ago in Ireland but thankfully my experience was as smooth and supportive as possible, although I was barely 20 myself and didn't know what the hell was going on tbh.

What I do know is that, I somehow knew I had to give my dd up fully because I knew if I had placed her in foster care, a time would have come when I went looking for her and I felt she desreved the undivided love and attention that I just couldn't give her.

I ultimatly feel I did the best thing at that time and have no problem being called her birth mother because that is what I am.

Sorry I have rambled completly away from the point but I was very fortunate in being able to meet Christina's parents and btw it was mine and both their chosen name for her!

I felt and still do, that someone adopting is held in high regard (as they should be imo)I later discovered that her mum had gone on to adopt a year or two later and this just confirmed for me that Christina was indeed "chosen" as I believe multiple adoptions are not the norm.

I maybe have not contributed a lot to this thread but nonetheless it has been very cathartic.

mhamai - I'm glad you found support when you placed your baby for adoption. do you knwo there is counselling still available for birth parents, if you ever felt like talking to someone in Rl about it?

Thanks Kristina, you are really kind, as it happens I'm a trainee psychotherapist and indeed am in the hands of an excellent counsllor.

It just might be one area I will specialise in further down the road.

Counsellor even.

that woudl be great! there is a real need for trained and experienced people in thsi field. Too much is left to social workers, who have no supervision and little or no training in counselling let alone therapy.

You know the kind.... "I dont knwo much about adoption but i had a couple of lectures at college and I read a book on counselling once ".....

KristinaM, sadly I knew of those social worker types from my adoption experience only too well! To confound my experience, I was also suffering with extreme PND,I was actually in a psychiatric ward (somewhere looking back I should not have been) and had a weekly visit from a social worker who was more concerned with a (time is of the essence attitude) as opposed to what I really needed, an empathic non judgmental person, ie a counsellor to walk this lonely heartbreaking uncertain path with me.

Now having said that, that although my adoption agency let me down in that regard, I stil feel I made the right decision, also I'm not familiar with practice today but agree with you wholeheartadly that there desperatly needs to be so much more counselling provision as opposed to some poor (especialy in Ireland) restricted social worker that is usually accountable to their consultant/management team/body etc.

GRUMPYGIRL - I've heard this said to me so many times that I'm almost (but not quite!) weary of addressing it.

1 - there is NOT a growing trend to adopt from overseas. There are about 300 overseas adoptions in this country every year which has remained more or less the same for the last 10 years. This is a shamefully small number compareed to our European compatriots who adopt about 10 times more than this even from countries like Spain who have about 20 million people less than us. This is becasue it is made so difficult and expensive here. The biggest single cheque I wrote was to Richmond Council for my home study.

2 - I would quite happily have adopted a child of 3 or 4 in the Uk they are not unadoptable, I know many adopters who would happily take a child of that age. I was told that I would probably get a child of about 7-8 who had been sexually abused and they wouldn;twant to place in a housegold with a male (I'm single)

3 - I would quite happily have taken a child who was a different race to me (as indeed my DS is) as there are many more asian/black/mixed race children available for adoption but that is not allowed (or very rarely). Even if the mother was single and white and the father is unknown they will still not place with a single white mother. They are quite happy however to put said child in foster care with white carers for years whilst waiting for the perfect family.

4 - are you saying that british children are more worthy of a home than foreign children? Why?

4 - what is wrong with wanting a baby? Didn't you? Presumably you weren't planning a pregnancy hoping for a 7yr old to appear.

I only accept commetns like this from people who have adopted older children and d'you know, I never get them.

Spain.. the attitude here is overwhelmingly positive. I have no idea of figures but here in the Balearic Islands particularly there is an extraordinary ratio of adopted children, particularly adopted-from-abroad children. In my experience the child is referred to as ´my child´ not ´my adopted child´.
I have no first hand experience of your other questions. My dh´s cousin has just returned from India with her child, all legally done through local council etc etc, who she has been waiting for during 2 long years (she is now 2.5 years old). The whole family is thrilled to pieces.
On the other hand, I was speaking to BIL about this the other day (seeing as it is a very current issue in our house) and he said he would never have considered adoption as he thinks that if you are meant to have children, you will and if not, you won´t. But I figure that´s easy for him to say with two beautiful children of his own

Maveta - I know several Spaniards here in the Uk adopting and I agree that the attitude in Spain is much more positive. In this country the attitude is often adoption from UK - worthy but obviously you will get a child who will turn into a mad axe murderer; adoption from overseas = bad selfish thing to do.

Spain adopts (as a country) 3000 children from other countries each year roughly compared to our 300.

It never ceases to amaze me that people who have never adopted have such negative opinions and for some bizarre reason feel the need to share them with me and my family!

Sue I wasnt addressing the comments to you personally - I dont know enough about you to do that. I have a friend who has two adopted chinese children so have heard first hand about the orphanages, but I do wonder how much the Angelina/Madonna adoptions may make some people just rule out the British adoption system.

I would imagine that you would need a very different skill set to adopt a sexually abused 7 or 8 year old (this age is challenging when you have given birth to them without the additional problems they would doubless have) It makes me sad to think that these children will NEVER have a home though.

What I do know is I was recently told by my friend that age social services viwed as acceptable to be an adopter had been raised due to "lack of adopters".

I would happily adopt a 3 or 4 year old, even 5 or 6 if I had the room (and finances) to do so.

I am amazed at how people my friend deals with who are "desperate" for a child reject a 3 year old for the most ridiculous reasons.

I know you weren;t adressing it at me personally - but its a comment I've heard a lot. No-one is aware how few overseas adoptions there are. They assume there is an avalanche of people following Madonna. Beleive me that COuncil will discuss with you quite carefully the UK options before you go down the overseas route.