Name change??

[Mollybird1]

Hi. Just after some advice really. After a long wait we are thrilled at becoming matched with a 6 month old baby boy. We have an 8 year old birth child who is as equally excited.. One thing tho, I really dislike his name. My husband doesn't get it and can't believe after all the heart ache and wait to get here, I'm bothered about this. I can see where he is coming from and obviously been told how we should keep his name, it's his birth identity etc. But, also on the other hand I want him to feel he fits in with us too, my daughter and all my nieces and nephews have quite traditional names, his name just doesn't fit in with them at all. Thinking about maybe calling him by his middle name but keeping his birth name on his legal documents. I hope I'm not sounding selfish, and obviously if he was older and knew his name I wouldn't be thinking about it.. Would love to hear from anyone who's been in my position and what your thoughts are. Thank you.

Congratulations Molly.

Scarfonthestairs do children brought up in loving families really question their parents about a name change? I'm sure s child who has an unjapppy childhood would but if a child trusts their parents would they really second guess if life would have been better to be called something like Stardust when their siblings are Charlotte and Emily? Being singled out as adopted or not fitting in May be much more detrimental to a child than simply mum or das not liking their name.

I think it is good for parents to think about and record somewhere why they changed a name.

Congratulations! So pleased to hear that he is settling in well.

My DS has a name that was not one we would have chosen. It is one that is often refereed to on the baby names topic as chavvy. My own sister described the name as ghastly when she heard it.

But we had had it drummed into us on our prep workshops that the name must stay the same so we knew that part of the process of deciding if DS was the right match for us was deciding if we could live with his name.

I admit to feeling quite self conscious calling out his name when he was small but over the years that has worn off completely.

Now that he is 11 he has totally owned his name. It's a bit different from all of the traditionally middle class names of his school friends but I enjoy the fact that he couldn't be less like the stereotype his name would suggest. I've never had a negative comment about his name since my sister's first reaction to it.

My DD is also an interesting case with regards to her name.

She was named by the nurses in the maternity ward because her BM abandoned her without giving her a name.

When she arrived in foster care the foster carer didn't think her name suited her so because she hadn't yet been registered she asked social services to change her name. She was then registered with the new name but kept the original name as a middle name.

This is all detailed in her life story book and DD , now 9 ,often tells people that her real name is her middle name. She prefers the middle name and has often asked if we can call her that. We've told her that when she is older she can change it if she wants to but we are assuming this is just a phase and she will stick with her registered name.

I agree Italian greyhound, there are lots of different points to consider and it isn't straightforward.

My DH was adopted at about 8 months, his parents changed his name and kept the original as a middle name, he's never been remotely bothered by this or suffered psychologically in any way.
The main thing is to be honest with your DS from as soon as he can understand, it will be normal and just part of who he is.

I really don't understand the people who keep adoption secret and spring it on the poor kid when they turn 16/18, that's got to mess with your head!

SpikeGilesSandwich "I really don't understand the people who keep adoption secret and spring it on the poor kid when they turn 16/18, that's got to mess with your head!"

That's so true, nowadays no one is expected to keep a secret like that, but I do know a person who did!

Congratulations Molly , Mr Molly and Molly DS. Enjoy each other!

Is an informal known as ' name the way to go? So you keep name X on formal paperwork but your ds is known as Y by all family and friends. It's surprisingly common for people's official names to differ from the name that everyone calls them. Only the other day I discovered (on seeing her passport) that my friend of over ten years has both a first name and surname that bear literally no resemblance to the names that everyone at work and home call her. In my family we had an elderly aunt called Prudence but universally known as Tiggy throughout her life, an uncle officially named Arthur but from birth was known as Tom and a whole bunch of other relatives whose names on paper bear very little resemblance to what they are actually called.

If down the line your ds wanted to change his 'paperwork' name to his 'known as' name, he could do it by deed poll quite simply. My ds is doing this (his name is spelt differently in his dad's language and he's changing it to the English spelling as he's written it this way since he was young).

Congratulations!
See how you feel about the name now you have him home. We called both our DDs by nicknames for well over 6 months so I doubt they would have recognised their birth name to begin with! And I know several women who are still known by their nickname and nobody calls them by their real names. So I think you're fine to change the name completely (perhaps keeping original as middle name?) or adopting an entirely different nickname which ends up being used everywhere except official documents.

Italian you state your views so strongly on this matter (I have read your comments on other threads) but you have not stated any basis for them. Are you talking about personal experience, your name being changed? Your views go totally against everything I understand to be the case! I agree with scarfonthestairs. I think unless you know for absolute certainty that the child will not mind and will be enamoured with it, it is not the right thing to do. Obviously if the name change is because of very good objective reasons then that is different.

yesthatistrue my views are my views, no one needs to take them on board.

If you care to dig back three or four years or so ago and you will find a thread I started on this topic called 'A rose by any other name (in adoption)'. At the time of adoption of our son (three plus years ago) I did not know what I thought and wanted opinions just like any other person here.

We were, like all adopters, advised to keep our son's name, it's part of his identity, I'm not sure if we were told it is the only thing the birth family gave him, etc, but I expect we were told that. It is of course total rubbish that that is the only thing given to our child by birth parents, but it is very emotive to hear.

We were put under pressure to keep even his middle name, which he didn't like. And I do not resent or regret doing that. But I do wonder if we may have done better for our son if we had changed his first name, which is quite identifying, and given him a different one. We will never know. What I do know is that he may be identifiable to family when he goes on line in the future. And to be honest that doesn't seem fair to him.

None of my views are about what is best for me!

Is our name part of our identity? I don't know, it is how others identify us. But that is not the same thing.

I do genuinely think that children will not feel upset to have had a name changed if they have had a happy and loving childhood, and a poster up thread said as much. But I do not have evidence for this. I expect there is plenty of evidence on line of people who had unhappy adoptions and who resent their name change. But that is not the same thing.

As far as my views in telling or not telling social workers. Again someone up thread said they lost a match because they expressed views on changing the name.

I'm not sure what your situation is, an adopter or whatever, but we found the support we had wonderful and our little one settled in well. We have had brilliant on going support and had a very good experience of the social workers. So I have absolutely no negative axe to grind against social workers. But I do feel that advice on name changing is out dated and does not take into consideration the internet, social media and that fact that adopted people may not wish to be found by birth family via social media.

" (I have read your comments on other threads)" does this mean I always state my views strongly, or that I have just in this area?

"Your views go totally against everything I understand to be the case!"
Can you site your examples?

It does very much depend why names are changed, I do understand that some people, adults and children, may have to adapt their names for cultural reasons, people can't pronounce them etc, and that can build resentment. I do think it is important to have a reason to change a name, I am not suggesting taking it lightly, but I do think parents need to make these decisions, not social workers.

I also know an adult who hated his given birth name so much he changed it. Adults can do that too.

As parents we do not make decisions based on what our kids will mind about, we do things based on their best interests at the time or in the future, and hopefully parents who change names would have a good reason.

My son's name was kept, we choose to do that, he has an unusual name but so does our birth child. No one guesses my son is adopted. He knows his full story, age appropriate, but isn't interested in talking about it at the moment. He would feel very uncomfortable if people identified him as adopted.

I hope that makes sense. I am not telling the OP what to do, I am telling her IMHO to do what is best for him, she and her dh will make that decision.

Sorry that was long!

PS having a name that makes people laugh etc, as exampled above, that could seriously impact a child, couldn't it?

italian I have never said that they would think they've had a better life with their birth name but could potentially feel their parents have changed because they don't like it/it's not good enough.
I think there is a lot of snobbiness towards names. But names are such a personal thing that I personally would find it upsetting that my name had been changed bevause it wasn't liked or good enough.

delilabell "I have never said that they would think they've had a better life with their birth name but could potentially feel their parents have changed because they don't like it/it's not good enough."

Yes, that is a good point, of course you do not want the child to feel their name is not good enough.

"I think there is a lot of snobbiness towards names."

There is and can be, but for me it is about identifiability, so a 'not so great' run of he mill name would be less of an issue for me than a very identifibale name.

As I say, we kept our son's quite identifiable name and so I do not know if we did the right thing or not, nor may I ever know.

"But names are such a personal thing that I personally would find it upsetting that my name had been changed bevause it wasn't liked or good enough."

That is your prerogative to feel that way, of course, but if you were adopted as a baby (no idea if you are adopted of course) then you would have lived with that baby name for a short while and been a different name for many years.

I kind of feel if I found out now that for the first few months/years I'd had a different name I am not sure I would mind. Of course adoption makes a difference. But what if your adoptive parents said that they wanted to protect your anonymity, or security, as is sometimes the case?

By the time we had gone through the initial matching with ds with his name as it was, and the initial period before legal adoption was completed, we felt very much like ds was his name. It was just him. He knew his name so changing it would have been a lot harder than for a baby. I just worry when he goes on line in the future he is quite identifiable. But that will not be the case for all adopted children.

Thank you for that long and thoughtful response Italian. I sent my post in a rush last night as I was called away from the computer and my views were expressed as strongly as yours were in the end!

I think possibly name changes are a bit like marmite, people feel strongly about it one way or another.

You said I do genuinely think that children will not feel upset to have had a name changed if they have had a happy and loving childhood... I expect there is plenty of evidence on line of people who had unhappy adoptions and who resent their name change but I am not sure that this is relevant, in fact. I had loving parents, but think that some of the decisions they made when I was growing up tanked! I cannot think of any of my friends who would accept something their parents did or do now without question simply because they had a loving childhood, and in fact the opposite might apply, there is more likely to be healthy debate where there is a loving relationship! A part of being a loving parent is allowing a child to develop their own opinions and views.

There is obviously a difference between changing the name of a 6 month old and a 3 year old.

I have no evidence either but my concern about a 3 year old being adopted and having their name changed would be that it could be internalised as "my first family had to be changed, my name had to be changed, I wasn't good enough either and should have been changed".

I would not choose Stardust as a name, no, but I don't think it would stand out any more! And if you divorced and remarried a man who had a daughter called Stardust then you may in that situation where you had 3 daughters called Stardust, Charlotte and Emily! Not you, personally, obviously, I mean "one may".

Re you stating your views strongly that is not a criticism generally at all! I commented in relation to this subject because I thought that you seemed to be drilling in one direction only and I wanted to urge caution, but in your latest posts you have said I do think it is important to have a reason to change a name, I am not suggesting taking it lightly so maybe I got that wrong. I have read your views on this subject on another thread but I couldn't tell you when, I do remember wondering why you felt strongly about it though.

As far as I can work out, a child's given name cannot be changed other than in limited circumstances (ie all children not only adopted children). For example, you can only change a child's first name on the birth certificate within 12 months of birth but only if the child has been known by the new given name since birth. After 12 months it can be changed by deed poll (ie no change to the birth certificate but there can be a passport in the new name) but there must be good reason. So name changing generally seems to be seen as a serious matter, not just related to adoption.

Not to want to hijack (happy to be told to start a new thread) but does anyone have any experience of telling an adopted child that their name was changed and why? Because I guess it all comes down to how you handle it?

I agree with italiangreyhound I wonder to what extent current advice is up to date with social networking children will do and the risks that keeping a very distinctive name as the main one they are known as socially may present. It's not easy.

As an adopted person, I have no idea if in the seven days between being born and adopted by my parents I was theoretically 'known' as something else apart from my current name, as I haven't seen my original birth certificate.

As with other matters pertaining to the adoption, this sort of thing tends to come down to when and how the parents manage it. I think if you tell someone about it straight away and they always know that's one thing; it's not something that would be nice to find out after the fact.

So - you could say we have a name from mummy and daddy and the birth family, etc. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. FOr example, my mother named me after a treasured relative. So the name had meaning in my adoptive family. That added twist helps me feel like my history is their history too.

Not sure I would say: "For your safety and security, we changed it."

Rainatnight - yes our 9 year old knows they were called something else - and knows what that first name was. The name was changed when they moved to us before age 2, it was fairly identifiable.
We also had the older sibling who was nursery aged - and so the name was not changed - it was thankfully also very normal.
Some of you know we also adopted 2 little siblings - both aged under 1 and have changed both names....the difference is nobody but us know what the legal names were. From day 1 they have been called our names - in order to protect us as a family - having 4 siblings is of course in itself very identifiable.

none of our children know what their surname was - and will never be told this information.

Our older children know what the first names were and why we changed dc2, they understand we have changed dc3 & dc4 and know it is to prevent our family being found. We also have to give them a reason to not allow them to partake in school photos etc, and for us it all comes under the same safety umbrella.
Our children have had therapy and understand their story, their history, and don't need us to remind them constantly of the risk if we are found, but the reality is we would have to be moved to a place of safety. We told them by drip drip dripping....rather than in one big gush.

As a birth mum I would have been very upset if my sons name was changed but he was 3 at placement and knew his name, it's a nice Relatively common name being within the top 50 for the year he was born

also I plan to have my sons name tattooed on my wrist so I would be very upset if his name had been changed and I haven't been told.

If it's a common name James David Daniel etc I don't see any harm in sharing the name

Obviously that being said keeping a child safe is paramount. But The judge recommended in my case that face to face contact be explored so for myself me knowing my child's first name is not a safeguarding issue

yesthatistrue thank you. I don't like to think I am stating my views too stridently! I would expect anyone to weigh them up and no one to follow my advice unless they felt I was right!

Ovienna thank you. Unwound not say for your safety. I would say for your privacy. I totally agree, the internet has thrown a stink bomb into names!

ourmiracle1106 - thank you for giving the other side and understanding safety is paramount.
as i said we kept our nursery age childs name as it was a common normal name.
with the next 3 it was almost like birth parents had given names that were very odd in order to try to find them later in life - if googled there would be very few and easily found. we had to change them to stay hidden. we did try to stay close to the names where we could and adjust or use middle names so something from their BM was retained as much as possible - mainly so that DC1 was not the only one who kept something.

bostoncremecraz goodness that is a lot for they and you to cope with. Well done. For managing all that. Wise to drip, drip, drip as you say.

Ourmiracle it's very good that there was no risk for your son. Our son also had no risk, and we know that but I won't say how. I mean we know it independently of the social workers telling us, so felt quite safe keeping the name.)

"with the next 3 it was almost like birth parents had given names that were very odd in order to try to find them later in life" This is a real concern and it may well be why people choose a very different name.

"mainly so that DC1 was not the only one who kept something." You know your kids have all their genes from their birth parents though. I think names are romanticized sometimes.

I've lived in Asia and names are very important there, and yet people will adopt a western name, change it, keep it, ask the teacher to 'name' them. Maybe this is one of the reasons I am less attached to my name! I've been called all kinds of things around the world. But the two names I love the most are 'mum', which my kids use, and 'darling' which dh says!

I was not adopted, so maybe my views are only representative of myself!

We were in a similar situation.

When we heard DS's name we immediately thought 'aghhh' as it's a name some people associate with negative things (hard to be specific without outing myself!). However, it was made clear to us that even mentioning changing it would work against us at panel.

So glad we didnt as the name has grown on us and really suits him. We now only associate it with him and it would feel totally wrong to change it. We have decided to ever so slightly alter the spelling to make him less identifiable (BP live locally).

Funnily enough, a nickname for him emerged very naturally (I didnt even realise we were saying it at first) and I suspect, as he gets older, this is actually how he'll be known informally. It's unique, and similar to his birth name.