Name change??

[Mollybird1]

Hi. Just after some advice really. After a long wait we are thrilled at becoming matched with a 6 month old baby boy. We have an 8 year old birth child who is as equally excited.. One thing tho, I really dislike his name. My husband doesn't get it and can't believe after all the heart ache and wait to get here, I'm bothered about this. I can see where he is coming from and obviously been told how we should keep his name, it's his birth identity etc. But, also on the other hand I want him to feel he fits in with us too, my daughter and all my nieces and nephews have quite traditional names, his name just doesn't fit in with them at all. Thinking about maybe calling him by his middle name but keeping his birth name on his legal documents. I hope I'm not sounding selfish, and obviously if he was older and knew his name I wouldn't be thinking about it.. Would love to hear from anyone who's been in my position and what your thoughts are. Thank you.

Stay undecided. That's what I did. It meant that when asked directly, I could evade and say 'Oh, it's a strong name, I like it.' I do like it, just it doesn't suit LO, but I hadn't met him then, so I wasn't sure, and was being honest.

Keep it vague, don't bring it up unless asked directly.

Then after placement, as others have said, 'oh, it's just sort of stuck as a name, and we're going to keep it, and have birth name as a middle name.'

We have changed our 10 month old DD's name (though not yet legally, as we're pre-adoption order).

SWs advised us to, for security reasons, because it's extremely identifiable. I was glad, because it's plain horrible, but still felt queasy about it for life story/'identity' reasons. But then an adult adoptee on our matching panel was really interesting about it. She was passionately in favour of us changing the name and said 'your job as her parents is to make sure that she flourishes and thrives. It's going to be harder for her to do it with that name'.

We're 8 weeks in, and she now responds to her new name (which really suits her!).

Obligatory SW bitch/complication: Having advised us to change the name, DD's social worker then got massive hump because the name we chose was 'too different' from the original. Apparently, we were meant to have known, by magic, that the new name should have been a variant on the original (think 'Kayleigh' for 'Esmereldakayleigh'). It caused a huge kerfuffle at our placement planning meeting. And no one had told FC, who'd had our daughter practically since birth, that the name was going to be changed, and she was very upset.

DD's SW now refuses to call her by her new name (though she doesn't come for her statutory visits, so it's not an issue) and she talking about registering her with doctors, etc, always makes a point of saying, 'of course, that will need to be in her GIVEN' name').

As PPs have said, there's no standard national approach. Like so much else, it's all down to individual social worker vagaries.

Congratulations. We are having the most lovely time with our daughter. I hope you do too.

I'm confused by this concept of a Given Name. We called all our biological children by nicknames while they were in utero. In some cases these names stuck for the first few weeks after they were born, while we decided which name to use.

Does that mean that " puke monster " ( because she made mum sick all the time ) is actually her Real Name or Given Name or Real Idetity and we should have kept it ? Because she had it for nearly a year of her existence.

Is this just another think we have done to mess up our kids ? < head in hands >

Will she need therapy as an adult because we changed her identity from Puke Monster to Emma?

• all names changed to protect the guilty

If we were to change his name tho and say nothing until he is placed and tell them we just couldn't take to his name in the end (like you suggest that's what we do), what about all our friends, family,neighbours Sch Mum's etc?, would they all know him as birth name at first and tell everyone inc sw's a couple of weeks in? I'm just thinking about all the cards we get and all the confusion too. My husband thinks we should just be honest and tell our sw now that I feel really uncomfortable with his name, I'm scared of the consequences tho, I so don't want to jeapodise this. 😫

No, tell friends and family your chosen name from the off.

In fact, better for them not to know his original name at all.

Molly, are you sure you want to change it? You and your husband should be sure that is the way you want to go first.

If it is, you could sound out YOUR SW only. Don't say you are changing it, talk about your concerns for DS with that name. You might get DS home and realise the name fits, so its not dishonest to hedge bets. Do it as near to placement as you feel comfortable, after intro's is safer, but I didn't follow my own advice.

Once you are placed, I would tell SWs you are using OLD NEW names as first and middle, but really use them NEW OLD, if that makes sense. It's no hardship if they are the wrong way round for a baby for a couple of weeks. You won't be introducing him to lots of new people immediately and you can tell SW at the first chance you get. SWs will hardly be phoning all your friends and family to ask.

As I said upthread I know someone who lost an arranged match because they raised this as a possibility. That's an extreme example but it has happened.

So I would tread super carefully and err on the side of extreme caution.

I know that doesn't answer your question

I think you need to be clear in your own mind why you would want to change his name. Doing it just because it is tacky / not to your taste is unlikely to go down well with the SW, but if you can construct a clear rationale for a different name you should at least get a consideration.

Eg if his current name was Devonnay (made up name!!), you would say that you were concerned about security implications as only five (say) boys were called Devonnay in 2016. If his current name was Jordan and your surname was Jordan, you would say that you didn't want him to have a confusing name that would always lead to questions about what his parents were thinking about when naming him.

We didnt tell anyone our childrens names until the day they arrived...then add in the no visiting bubble for a few weeks ....you should be fine saying to sw in the first few days we are struggling calling him X, we are calling him nickname Y at present.
Then when people start meeting him you say he is called Y.
If people ask before he arrives you say - oh wait for the surprise we cant wait to tell you once he's here.....or we're not sure until we met him what we'll call him for sure....its ok for people to wait - they do with BC!
We sent announcement cards out once baby arrived and sw knew what we were calling him/her.

Ok, We've had a deeper discussion about it and I've read all your advice, thank you!!.. We are going to wait for him to be placed and enjoy him and all the excitement that comes with that first. Then see about the name. Get him settled in and see how the name suits him etc. Feeling a lot more excited now glad we have come to a desicion. Thank you for all your opinions and advice. Xx

Going off course slightly but we was told their first names can not be changed as that is their identity no mater their age. We can add a middle name plus change surname. We have recently been propositioned with twins and I'm not overly keen on one of the names but sadly I cannot do anything about it should we continue of course.

Hopefully you and DH will grow to like the child's name.

"we was told their first names can not be changed as that is their identity no mater their age"

In life you will be told things like: 'ignore the rattle, this second hand car is in great knick', 'you need to buy this stuff to spray in the toilet to stop your poo smelling' and 'the Tories don't want to privatise the NHS, honest'. All are as true as the above statement.

Whether you SHOULD change a name is a different matter. If they are two young to know it may still cause some issues when they get older. If they are old enough to know their name its usually a bad plan.

In my case the said children have just turned 3 so they do know their names.

Personally for myself and DH are beginners and still learning, wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise the possibility of adopting. Maybe we're naive? I don't know. Just how I feel.

We are all beginners at adoption compared to the SWs, but having been through it twice, I would opine that it's helpful to ask a lot of questions and sometimes be willing to push back a bit.

In this case, though, they are dead right. You should have very good reasons before changing a 3yo's name. Congrats on the match, and I really wouldn't worry about the name, you'll grow to love it.

It's not exactly the same situation and I don't want to over simplify. We have FC in the family who have a child placed with a name that on first hearing makes people actually laugh out loud or gasp
None of us even bat an eyelid anymore or notice that it's unusual. It's just a series of letters that make a word/sounds that help get the child's attention. I've been wondering about how I'll feel if I adopt a child and dislike their name. The example of the LO in our extended family is something that makes me hopeful that it won't be as big a problem as I'd imagine. I know it's not quite that simple. My name is a huge part of my identity...i love it, it's what makes me me so I refused to change it when I married so I can see both sides.

Totally agree with Kr1stina.

It won;t harm him to change it but it will make him less identifiable and with the internet what it is that will be a good thing.

We kept our son's name and I kind of regret it, but it's done. He did know it already as well.

Mollybird "So IF we were to change the name, you think it's best to say nothing to sw until after placement? I really feel like I would need to tell them, I'm such an honest person and would feel so deceitful if I hadn't. Plus my sw lives in my town, so bound to bump to her at some point or another in the future."

If you tell her this is what you plan to do you could risk loosing the baby. Really they are not going to have too much of a problem placing a 6 month old unless he has lots of issues, I just would not risk it.

Are there security issues? If so, you could use these as the reason.

A person's identity is not just wrapped up in their name! Birth parents have given this baby his genes, his early experiences (good and bad) and his birth mum gave him everyone bone in his body and every drop of his blood. You cannot take any of that away! but if you feel changing his name will make life better for him, smoother for him, then do it.

Or not.

As you like.

Once adopted you will make all decisions (with your partner, if you have one) and you will deal with any fall out, whether that is him being pissed off he is no longer called whatever, or whether that is him being traced on Facebook. Whatever happens you will deal with it so make your own choice and I really think discussing with social workers would be a huge mistake.

"Of course we will do what is best for little one." That's your phrase. Stick to it.

Then do what you, as his new mum, think is right.

What do the social workers know about what is best for little one. They might even be retired by the time he is a teenager!

"I'm just thinking about all the cards we get and all the confusion too." We got very few cards, compared to when we got our birth daughter! Ask for cards once adoption is official, legal, much better then.

"My husband thinks we should just be honest and tell our sw now that I feel really uncomfortable with his name, I'm scared of the consequences tho, I so don't want to jeapodise this."

Your husband could indeed jeaopise this. Maybe tell him you feel OK with the name and then decide when it is all approaching being legalized.

Honestly, you have nothing to gain by discussing this with social workers.

If you are not sure what to call him to friends you could go for a midway nick name type thing... something similar to his birth name but not quite and then people would never know his birth name.

I think being traceable is a very good reason to change a name. Our son's name is unusual. I would say he could be traced. We were told not to change it! I think social workers are wrong to make such a song and dance about the child's birth name. It's not really in child's interests.

Because you have a birth daughter, who the social worker may well see when she visits, I'd be tempted to keep his birth name for first few months, get your dd to call him a nick name which you all like a lot and then change it formally if/when you are ready.

Laura "... told their first names can not be changed as that is their identity no mater their age."

That's the opinion of your social worker. They are not bringing up your child.

" I cannot do anything about it should we continue of course." you can do what you like once they are adopted. Be aware twins will be more identifiable as two names together can be more identified.

You don't need to discuss this with your social worker, in fact if you do you risk the child/ren not being placed with you.

Alltheusernamesaretaken " a name that on first hearing makes people actually laugh out loud or gasp" How very sad for him. I hope when he is adopted the family change his name. Just because you've all got used to it, he will go through life with that experience. Unlikely to do wonders for his confidence.

"My name is a huge part of my identity" you are an adult, who has had time to process all this. I would imagine a child in the care system (with a crap name) has had a lot more to think about and may well be quite glad to say goodbye to a name that they may associate with less happy times.

"i love it, it's what makes me me so I refused to change it when I married" That is your right of course, but I am pretty sure it is not what makes you you!

I always felt like that about my long, flowing locks, now my hair is shorter and my colour comes out of a bottle. There is a lot that makes up identity, we have to be careful not to saddle children with unfortunate names because of what we think might be important to them.

I hope you get a match and I hope you love the name.

I don't think changing his name because you don't like it is a good enough reason.
Our ds has an unusual name but it is completely and utterly him.
I think when your son is old enough to see his birth certificate and to question the name change your reason of not liking it and it not fitting with his sibling and cousin will not be enough.

Well we have our little boy placed with us now, his on night 5! He is gorgeous and settling in well. We still call him by the name his birth mum gave him. It has grown on me slightly but still a name I would never ever of chosen for our son. does annoy me a bit how the social workers make you feel so bad about changing it, we are the ones bringing him up like our own, looking after him and giving him the life he so deserves. Yes, as I said in original post, his name doesn't fit in with all my familys name but at the same time I also want him to feel fitted in too. Still unsure as to what to do, I just don't want to regret anything. We would definitely keep it as a middle name. Everyone knows his name now tho so would be a bit confusing announcing to everyone again his new name! Lots to think about🤔

I agree with everything you say. I think there's always truth on both sides of the same coin. It's very rarely all one way or the other and you've made some points I hadn't considered.

The LO I referred to isn't going to be adopted, they're in fc long term. He also has SEN. it's fortunate that he doesn't register people's responses but it's still sad.

I also agree I was a bit flippant when I said my name 'makes me me!' It's more that my last name is unusual so I'm the only person in the country with my first and last name combo...I think that's something I've always liked. On the other hand I still also get a warm and fuzzy feeling when people when I get called Mrs husbandslastname as I enjoy sharing a name with him (even if it's only because someone's assumed I do!)

I agree also that identity and name is also a bigger issue for adopted children. I think in my experience working with children and YP the biggest identity/name issue comes up around kids on an SGO.

Anyway I'm veering wildly off topic now! There's rarely a 'yes/no' binary answer and SWs are often stuck trying to make far more subtle and nuanced situations fit systems and procedures that are more black and white than reality!

Anyway I'm waffling now

Sorry my reply was to Italian greyhound!

That's lovely lovely news OP! Congratulations! I'm very much in the early stages of all this so it makes my heart jump to hear of newly placed LOs.

Hope it's all going smoothly!

"Well we have our little boy placed with us now, his on night 5! He is gorgeous and settling in well."

Huge congratulations molly. Don't worry about the name for now, you have plenty of time. Whatever you decide it will work out OK.

Congratulations molly!
Its not all social workers by the way...ours have always been supportive of us changing names, different sw over 8 years apart who showed no problem and refer to our lo's by our chosen name from day 1. Its just such an emotive issue.
Hope its all going well for you Molly!

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 it is great that you love your name and it kind of singles you out. But imaginir if your name identified you several people you were related to and maybe did not want to hear from? Would you feel so happy posting on the internet and having your name identified with your school or work place?

There I'd always a reason to keep a name but unless a name is very common I think there is always a reason to change it too.

Names and identity are not necessarily more linked on adopted children. They are sometimes changed for safety, or other reasons. if a family wish to change a name they should be allowed to. just don't talk to social workers about it, they have tunnel vision, IMHO.