Experience with children

[Zombo]

Hi, I've been reading through a lot of the posts on here today as after a year of deep thinking me and my Husband have decided we would be interested in adopting rather than having or own child.

This is because I have a genetic condition that I do not want to pass on. The condition only affects me quite mildly but due to some of the information given to me regarding uncertainty about how it would affect a child I had I do not want to go down this route.

I am looking at a lot of information today and just trying to get an idea as to whether it would even be possible for us to begin this path. One thing that sticks out is our lack of interaction/looking after kids. I do have friends with kids but they are all scattered all over the country so I only see them once in a while and I wouldn't say I look after them.

Was anyone else in this situation? Would it not be the same if you were thinking about having a baby? Are there certain things that will immediately 'discount us' from this process?

Thanks in advance for any advice and thanks for reading.

Hi Zombo.

Reading your reasons to adopt sounds very much like myself!

I am/was a teacher, so although I only had experience of older primary children, it was considered enough. My DH became a cub leader.

Even with all that between us, nothing could have prepared us for adopting our two 4yos!

Working with more challenging children at school has given me skills I can use at home with my DS, but I still feel out of my depth sometimes.

Any experience with children will help - volunteering at your local nursery or scout group maybe or something like that - but if you can get some experience talking to adopters and with adopted children that would give you a more real picture.

I volunteered in a pre-school one morning a week and an after school club one afternoon a week. I was lucky in that I had gone part time when we did IVF so I had time to do that.
We might have been approved without that experience but I don't think we would have been placed with our girls (age 2 & 7) without it.
More to the point, without that experience I don't think I would have coped in the early months as well as I did (and I found it very hard going from 0 to 2).

I would highly recommend pulling out the stops to get experience with the age group you are looking for, even if it means taking some time off work half a day a week for a while to achieve it.

There are very few things that will discount you, like not having a spare bedroom, having a history of violent offences, having the wrong sort of dog, not parenting your existing children. Some agencies won't approve smokers or those who are clinically obese, or who have a history of serious mental health problems.

Not having experience with children is not a big deal at this stage and can be easily fixed.

Can I ask if you and you partner have thought about whether or not you feel you could parent the kinds of children who are needing adopted? Have you done much reading around current issues in adoption?

And YY to what sanders said - if you are serious about going ahead, you husband needs to take some time off if necessary to get this experience. Some employers will allow some flexible working , maybe he could work some longer days or overtime to get TOIL.

Zombo firstly, can I ask if you really would like to adopt or whether you have not thought of how to have a baby without using your own eggs?

If the latter, have you considered IVF egg donation? I think it is important to work this out before you go down the adoption route.

If the former, you really want to adopt, then getting child care experience is relatively easy.

What age child do you hope to adopt?

For experience you can either look at what is available in your area and offer as a volunteer there, you will probably need to explain why you want to do this and you will need adbs or crb or whatever check is needed. If you volunteer at more than one place you might need more than one. (One at each.)

You might need to pay for the check to be done since you are volunteering to help you, or they may offer to pay.

The best places (off the top of my head are):

Creches (some gyms, churches and work places have creches)/Toddler groups/play groups/pre school/nursery/primary school/Rainbows groups/cubs groups.

(I've tried to put these in rough age order.)

These would all be general volunteers but the other option is to see if you can create a specific opening for a volunteer for a set time, e.g. offer to help run a cookery or gardening club or something, share whatever skill you have. This might be in lunch time at school or nursery or something.

There are some clubs at weekends for kids, e.g. baby singing or baby gym, signing for children etc, which may be a good place if you work full time.

Lastly, one thing to remember is that wherever you work there might be nurseries/schools etc close by. Getting to and from them to volunteer on a regular basis may be easier than volunteering close to your home (unless you work close to home). If you did your volunteering one day a week in a lunch break it would possibly be easier than having to take lots of time off to do.

It's a good idea to think what volunteering might do:
Yes, it ticks a box with social services
But also it gives you a chance to see how you get on with kids, handle situations, etc
Also, if you can volunteer near your home you might make some friends who will be helpful to you once you are a parent (although this is not likely it is not impossible).

Good luck.

Italian gives good advice .

And remember that your DH needs this exeperince too, as you willl be adopting as a couple