To ask about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

[MrsRyanGosling15]

I know this is in the wrong place but I don't care, just hoping some wise people will see it and point me in the right direction.

I have had to take in a 12 month old baby who, it is clearly obvious has FAS. This child is so distressed and has nothing like a routine at all. She literally sleeps in 20 min blocks and must be clinging on to you. We have had her 1 week and input from Social services has been shocking really. They just say wait and see if parents get in touch buy they are still drinking heavily and have no intention of getting in touch.

This child doesn't make a sound at all, except the most ear piercing cry I have ever heard along with a really fast flapping of her arms. Even my 11yr old has asked what is wrong with her. I have no experience at all of a child like this and I'm afraid I'm going to stress her more r do her more harm than good. It's only been a week but I'm at breaking point. I have 4 other children in the house too and I have noticed they have all been acting up this week. Giving her away is not an option at all. I have to start her in a creche next week as we need to go to work.

If anyone has looked after a child like his do you have any advice? Especially on how to get her to go in her bed and sleep. Or any good online advice or resources? My 2 year old hasn't had a nap all week as I have just been sat on the sofa with the 1yr old crying and nodding off. I feel so bad I can't cope with this.

Hi my youngest dd (she is adopted and was placed in ,my care the day she was born,) has FAS and was born addicted. The label FAS is so far reaching it's almost impossible to pin down or predict how the condition will manifest itself. A diagnosis is only good in that it facilitates access to what support there is.
You've had some great advice upthread and I'm happy to answer any questions if I can help but a couple of things struck me from your initial post.....that awful keening screaming, that tears your heart right out. It does stop but it takes time. Physical contact at all times helped and continues to help my daughter, tight holding, rocking, lots of skin on skin, it helps to override the physical/neurological response calms. The children's brain injury trust is a good place to start they have lots of literature on things to try. You just have to ride it out I'm afraid and comfort as much as you can.
I have to say the idea of bedtime was a non starter, I co slept exclusively until she was 2 and even now do so most nights, she wasn't capable of self soothing/sleeping in the way a non traumatised child is. She and never slept through the night But once attachment and security is sorted then everything else can follow and now she wakes only once or twice.
My daughter could fundamentally not cope with me working outside the home, I'm not saying your baby can't either but it's something to bear in mind. With such a situation I'm amazed ss said to return to work is ok (I'm not criticising you in anyway I'm just trying to say bear this is mind)
My dd has a global development delay and a seizure disorder, but both are becoming less noticeable as she grows, her brother is just a year older and she isn't far behind in any aspect other then her speech.
Sorry if I've waffled there, I hope some of that helps.

I belong to a FB group for Kinship Carers. A really good place to get advice or just vent. Many of the children suffer from prenatal drug or alcohol abuse. I met some of the Carers and children on a holiday last year. Some amazing people who know a lot more than I do. PM me if you would like the details.
Also Grandparents Plus have been very helpful and I think they will help all Kinship Carers. Not sure but worth looking at their website.
Do you know if the baby is a Looked After Child ?
Social Services are often keen to place children with family members and then call this a 'private arrangement', thus they have to pay no allowances. If the child is a LAC it is more difficult for them to do this as they are already in the system.
They may threaten adoption outside the family if you press for more, or any, help. They did it with me and it isn't an uncommon story.
Social Workers aren't monsters but doing very difficult jobs under incredible financial constraints like the NHS. I know this from a social worker family member.
I really haven't heard of anyone getting much support, except financial, from SS.
Someone mentioned an SGO. I really wouldn't look at that at this stage although it may be something SS press you to do. Once you have this they can basically wash their hands of you. I hear stories on the FB group of them promising post SGO allowances which never materialise.
The other option is a CAO, previously called a residence order. This allows both the birth and resident parents parental responsibility and states that the child should live with you. Quite easy to do. I did it myself, it cost around £100. It wasn't opposed though and if it had been then I would probably have had to have a lawyer.
Early days for you yet and I wouldn't be thinking about that right now, or taking any steps without getting independent advice.
Just thought I'd mention it in case SS does.
So financially you should be able to apply for Child Benefit now unless the child is a LAC when SS should be paying you an allowance.
Once you get a diagnosis you can apply for DLA. In certain cases you can get this before diagnosis. CAB are very helpful with this and filling in the forms.
Once you get DLA you can apply for Carer's Allowance if you are not working more than 16 hours a week. DLA and CA are not means tested.
Child tax credits also depending on family income.
Sorry I seem to be empathising the financial aspects and hope it doesn't just make everything more overwhelming for you.
Partly I think it will be helpful to know your position before you speak to SS and also feel that you are in an incredibly difficult situation and money to pay for help will make a big difference to you and your other children.
I am really happy for you to PM me if I can help in any way or if you just need to talk.
I can do positive, honestly !

Have just read your first post again.
Did social services remove the child from the birth parents and place her with you ?
My mistake, in their eyes although I really couldn't have done anything else, was to take over care of the child and then contact them.
Thus they saw it as a 'private arrangement ' which needed no input from them, financial or otherwise.
Hopefully you fall into the first category. In the second category you may get somewhere if you have the time and energy to fight.
Also to a certain extent dependending on where you live. I believe Liverpool is very good in paying allowances.
I involved GP, MP and bombarded the director of SS with letters and emails all to no avail.
Sorry more negativity but however bad it's probably best to know where you stand and what battles are worth fighting.
Good night. Hope you manage to get some sleep.

You've had such good advice here.

Please listen to what Allington and Smiling said. This child may well need very intensive parenting for a long time and I'm not sure that you and your husband are in a position to do this. You have other young children and you both work. You are already exhausted.

TBH I don't know may duel career families with five children, one of whom has significant and complex SN. Most such families have one SAHP and are still very stressed. Or they have very intensive external suport, paid for or from family.

If one of your children had such a level of need, everything has to revolve around them . Both of your jobs, your other children's schooling, friends and hobbies. Your holidays, your friends, your relationship with your family. Every single thing. I'm afraid she wont slot into your normal family, she will change everything.

I wonder if you have taken her in from an (adminable ) sense of duty, responsibility and guilt. Which is understandable . But I'm not sure it's the best basis for adoption.

As a PP said, this LO will get placed in an adoptive family fairly quickly now as she is so young. If you wait until she is older, she will be harder to place and more traumatised by yet another move.

If you want ,You can ask to keep in touch with her additive family and keep up that link with her biological family .

Please do not rely on what SS say. Their top priority is minimising their workload , not what's best for the baby. And certainly not what's best for your your marriage and your other children.