To ask about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

[MrsRyanGosling15]

I know this is in the wrong place but I don't care, just hoping some wise people will see it and point me in the right direction.

I have had to take in a 12 month old baby who, it is clearly obvious has FAS. This child is so distressed and has nothing like a routine at all. She literally sleeps in 20 min blocks and must be clinging on to you. We have had her 1 week and input from Social services has been shocking really. They just say wait and see if parents get in touch buy they are still drinking heavily and have no intention of getting in touch.

This child doesn't make a sound at all, except the most ear piercing cry I have ever heard along with a really fast flapping of her arms. Even my 11yr old has asked what is wrong with her. I have no experience at all of a child like this and I'm afraid I'm going to stress her more r do her more harm than good. It's only been a week but I'm at breaking point. I have 4 other children in the house too and I have noticed they have all been acting up this week. Giving her away is not an option at all. I have to start her in a creche next week as we need to go to work.

If anyone has looked after a child like his do you have any advice? Especially on how to get her to go in her bed and sleep. Or any good online advice or resources? My 2 year old hasn't had a nap all week as I have just been sat on the sofa with the 1yr old crying and nodding off. I feel so bad I can't cope with this.

Nothing to add other than you and your DH sound like a wonderful people and this baby is very lucky to have people who will care for her.

The behaviour- not talking/smiling etc could be from neglect rather than FAS, or it could be something else.
Not sleeping though is normal surely for a baby in a strange place.
Id make a gp appointment or something if i were you.

I share a father with the baby. I'm just beginning to realise we have been slightly 'dumped' by social services. Will have a lot of reading to do today ( if I can get the poor wee thing out of my arms)

Bloody hell OP, that's a huge responsibility to land on you. Thank goodness you are willing to foster the little tot. But you really must reach out and take any practical, emotional and financial support that is available. For all of the children's sake, as well as your own.
I'm sure you'll get some brilliant advice and sign-posting on the adoption boards.
Good luck.

It just sounds awful op, I'm actually in tears reading it. Your poor baby sister. What might help her feel more secure is if she slept in bed with you at night and plenty of cuddles and love but I'm sure you know this already.

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say what a wonderful thing you and your family are doing.

Social services are behaving appallingly. I do really think you have no choice about keeping you baby sister at home rather than the crèche.
Can you take emergency unpaid leave from work? Not that you should have to SS should put a financial package in place.
I have attachment disorder was removed from my birth mother at 18 months. AD wasn't recognised at the time and I still struggle with the affects.
You are doing an amazing thing taking care of your sister, the lack of support makes me so angry.

No wise words except keep pushing social services and research kinship fostering.

Also, well done to you and your DH for stepping up. You sound wonderful people and I wish you all the luck

Just want to mention that going into foster care isn't the worst thing in the world. She would be looked after by a 'professional' who would have the backup of social services.
Then she would go on to be adopted by a person/couple who were absolutely committed to the baby and who would have the time to focus on her.

So if you ever get to the place where you think this baby is more than you can manage with all the rest of your situation, you would not be consigning her to a terrible life if she went to foster care.

I can't work out the relationships from your posts but you sound amazing and I hope you find some help soon.

It's worth posting this under the adoption topic and/or Adoption UK forum as there are plenty of people with experience of this who will be able to give you support and advice. Good luck.

You would be entitled to foster carer allowance as this baby is being fostered within the family. Am not sure how it works, but i did know a family who got paid as foster carers in this situation. Social work should be able to advise you.

Lots of eye-gaze, stroking, baby massage, singing/talking etc. would be my advise as it's fairly likely these are needs which she'll have missed. She's probably had a lot of time alone in her cot etc, so missed interaction. Treat like a younger baby, so lots of sensory toys etc.

Poor child, and poor you

No experience to add, I'm afraid, but sending love and offering a hand-hold.

My dh really is a wonderful man. He is much more natural with her than I am and I think if I'm honest that makes me feel ashamed of myself, that it doesn't come more easily to me. It never has done with children though, im really not good with them apart from my own! My dh isn't a consultant so not incharge of himself but he is currently on the phone to one of the other regs to see if anything can be moved around for Monday, that would at least give us a few days breathing space. Part of me just wants to run away and hide with my own children and then I feel like a horrible person for even thinking that. We have 5 bedrooms here and a 7 seater car so in theory she can just slip in with us. I feel a bit bad my children have no choice in it all though.
And yes, she has always seemed a bit different but that's in comparison with my own and I know every child is different but out gut has always had a feeling about this.

www.amazon.co.uk/Reaching-Out-Children-FAS-FAE/dp/B01MU572GV/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483785176&sr=8-1&keywords=reaching+out+to+children+with+FAS%2FFAE

This is available on Amazon - it may be of help.

A a SLT I worked with a couple of children with this condition, but it was many years ago, and there were not a lot of them, so I'm afraid I can't off any advice. I hope you get the help you need.

yes you have been dumped and if you are taking this baby on then you are going to have to get vociferous!!!

With regards to looking after her, first step is to look past all the things "wrong" with her and accept them and try to work with them. You will need to seperate your own child for naps etc and put them down - holding this child if necessary so I would make it easy for my own child to nap or rest by having sleeping at their level, sep room, camera it up if nec so you can still see if they are actually sleeping etc. I would think about having a Nanny short term till she settles into a routine. This does a couple of things - frees you to Mother and work, takes the pressure off you and hubby, allows your kids Mum time.

You also need to speak to work about the situation - for e,g, there is adoption leave - you need to check their policy etc regarding this and whether that covers your situation - it is pretty much the same as maternity sometimes.

Personally I would say contact is important between you and the child - I would have thought she was starved of love, so patting and stroking and keeping close. Good food and plenty to drink, comfy clean clothes, baths and routines - but don't beat yourself up if these things don't happen straight away.

You do need to give the nursery a heads up, its not fair to just drop the child on them without any understanding of the situation she will likely need one to one which won't be allowed for in current staffing.

I think you may need to resign yourself to taking a further week off at least to get everything in place. Speak to work they may be more understanding than you think once they get over you are not available for rota-ing.

I would immediately take the baby to GP and confirm suspicions - although I think it takes a while to get diagnosis. Have seen teenagers with this syndrome - lovely children but some physical and learning issues needing support.

I became a kinship carer to an eighteen month old. He was brought by the Police as an emergency during the night. I suspected FAS because I knew his mum had been drinking incredibly heavily during early stages of pregnancy and I mean catastrophic amounts.

He was also strangely quiet at first, much like he was when visiting us, rarely smiling or showing happiness or pleasure. I had two other children at home, a teenager and another kinship placement at the time who were happy and settled.

I did not know how I would cope, even wondering how I could go back to nappies etc, but you just relearn like riding a bike. He could also have terrible moments of screaming and aggression and once got his hands into the hair of my dd and was so angry he managed to pull some of her hair out by the roots. I took him into town and he pulled jars of shelves, eggs etc and smashed them. Everyone was tutting at me as he tried to attack me, hitting me in the face.

I remember storming out of the shop and trying to phone the social worker involved to tell her I was bringing him to her office now. I often rang her in a terrible state telling her to get here in 30 minutes. She would just ring me back and asked me if I had calmed down yet. Strangely, we formed a reasonable relationship later on. She would send him birthday cards and got emotional looking at his school photos. Maybe not professional, but human.

It must be so very hard for you and you absolutely must have more support than this. So often it is seen by ss that they are doing you a massive favour by allowing you to have a child you needs substantial support. Can you change your worker, because it is not working for you here is it and you have to consider your other dc's. Do not let them make you feel you are not coping, they are not supporting you.

Fwiw, that little boy is now 11 and is a wonderful child, so keen to please. I moved his primary school last year and hearing the Headteacher say at assembly he was one of her main supports in year 6 brought tears to my eyes. He is far from perfect, just a fun loving naughty little boy. It has made me feel that I have achieved something in my life.

Sorry I cannot say more to help you.

Does anyone know how I can move this to the adoption board or do I just do a new post? All your advice has been so helpful thank you so much. For who asked, she has spent every night 'sleeping' on my DH chest, but he just can't be this tired in work. The longest stretch has been 35 min.She looks permanently exhausted. She definitely prefers men but I think her father did alot more than her mother for her so possibly not suprising . My dh is going to take out kids our for the day and I will spend a good time 1-2-1 with her doing what is advised above.

If you get this moved to the 'Adoption' section, it may get spotted by a very experienced poster @FASparent who has adopted multiple children with varying degrees of the condition and is an amazing source of advice and experience. As well as fostering allowances, you may get support claiming DLA etc for the little one, which might be necessary to help you meet their additional needs. As PP said, you may well be looking at Attachment conditions as well as FAS.

You've nothing to be ashamed of op you're doing a wonderful thing. Do you know for sure that the child's mother drank alcohol during pregnancy? If she drank anymore than one or two units once a week then studies say it's likely the baby will have some degree of fas, this combined with the likely neglect (with the mother being an alcoholic) would probably result in attachment disorder too. I had a google for you.
With a child with fas behaviourally they should be treated as half their chronological age. Lots and lots of love and routine needed.

with regard to not being your own - set this aside she is your sister and your kids Auntie, they will adapt and learn from this hugely - they will see another side to life, they will see care and compassion and stepping up to the mark. Please don't underestimate your capacity for love and care for this child - it will come its early days yet.

I think it would also possibly help to have some counselling yourself - as an outlet and also to help you understand your own thoughts and feelings around this and support you and build your confidence that you can do this.

I've reported the thread for you which is the way to request that it's moved

Hello. You can type in to google and get lots of Information on foetal alcohol syndrome. Baby's can be affected from birth. High pitched screaming. Hard to settle. Very exhausting to look after. The affects will be life long. A child wit FAS will grow into an adult with it. You will also have the behaviours due to attachment problems. Lots and lots of work ahead. She will not have learned how to play if alcoholic parents have not interacted with her. She will need a lot of mothering. Talking, singing, playing. She may not smile if parents haven't met her needs and smiled at her. Poor parenting in the last year will have a large part to do with this.
Ideally you should be staying home with her but if you are all so stressed you need respite.
This is a life long condition. Short term lots of love and attention.💐💐
It will be emotionally, and physically exhausting and will take a lot of attention away from your own children as her needs will be a lot higher.

I would consider getting a nanny with experience of additional needs. You say you have two other toddlers also at home? The cost of a nanny for 2 days for 3 children will be the Same or cheaper than crèche as you pay per family not per child.
As it's only two days, many can spend those two days mainly at home with the three of them at first whilst everyone adapts. It will give a closer bond for child.

I would look at getting a Decent sling for a toddler also like Tula toddler or boba 4g. Can then put child in on your or Dh back so she gets close contact and is soothed. But then your hands free to do other stuff at home and with the other children