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Post adoption meet up with FCs

9 replies

Poppystellar · 16/12/2016 19:59

So, DD has asked - seemingly out of the blue - if she can visit her last foster carers, the ones she lived with directly before being placed with me. This is absolutely fine by me, her foster carers were lovely and we had a positive rapport. We've talked about them as part of DDs life story and she's been aware that they looked after her whilst SWs were trying to find her new family. To be honest it's not entirely unexpected as she seems to be processing a lot about her history, her identity and her past at the moment.

My only concern is that as we have never had any post placement contact with them would it possibly be too weird and unsettling for DD to see them again now (she's been home for a number of years). And if it is a good idea, which I think it probably is (even though it terrifies me) what is the best way to go about arranging a meeting? Do I contact them directly? I still have their mobile phone number and address as we send a card every Christmas. Do we go through SS? Do we go to their house? Do we meet somewhere neutral? Is it appropriate / safe for DD to meet with the other children who are part of the family?

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how best to proceed with this one so any thoughts or advice greatly appreciated.

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Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2016 21:55

We meet our son's foster family twice a year. We always go for a neutral place, except when they came to us for a short visit once. Ds does not want to go to their home, where he lived.

I'd speak to them direct send a letter suggesting a meet up and say you will call the following week for a chat.

My advice as this is new is to to speak to post adoption support for advice.

Don't send the letter or do visit too close to Christmas/birthday or significant anniversaries.

Neutral spot

Something to do - soft play, lunch etc

Short visit, an hour or maybe two I'd they have come a long way/meet in middle/ you go to them

Make it clear to DD that she will go in your car and come home in your car.

We have always had foster carers other children around and it has not been a problem but if there is the option for it to be just former foster carers this might be best.

How old is dd?

Maybe get her to prepare any questions she wants to ask and text these to foster carer in advance so that it goes smoothly.

Try not to worry! Smile

Poppystellar · 17/12/2016 07:38

Thanks italian. That's brilliant and thoughtful advice. Much appreciated.

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Italiangreyhound · 17/12/2016 08:14
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 17/12/2016 14:13

Poppy I agree completely with what italian suggests. I doubt that your daughter will be hugely unsettled about it, but she may feel a bit weird about it. When/if you go I'd give her the option of changing her mind right up until the point of meeting the FCs.

You certainly don't need to arrange it via SS.

How long is it since she saw them? If it's a while I'd ask them to send some up to date photos before you meet.

Have you thought about doing a skype meet up first? That might be easier for your DD in the first instance.

Poppystellar · 17/12/2016 21:34

Thanks crisp Skype might be a really good way to start. It's been a few years since she lived with them and they may have changed quite a bit.

In the cold light of day I felt much better about it all but she's just mentioned them again at tucking in time - ridiculously late night as we've been at a party - and it's made me feel irrationally upset which is stupid I know.

I've promised her we will get out some photos of them to look at tomorrow. Hopefully things will seem calmer and clearer in the morning and I'll have put my irrational jealousy (that's the only way I can even remotely begin to describe these weird feelings I have right now) to bed.

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crispandcheesesandwichplease · 18/12/2016 00:58

Hi poppy, you do know that you are her mum now and her primary attachment is with you? Your DD needs you above anyone else because you are her MUM.

I know it's hard when you're mum number 2, 3 or 4 (I'm number 3). But you are the forever one, the one that really, really counts. She probably can't even remember the FCs but meeting them is a hugely important aspect of her integrating all her different selves and carers.

Who does your DD want when she's poorly, scared or feeling fragile? I'd put my money on you!

It's so ok to meet them and they can tell her stories about when she was little to fill in her history. This will be hugely important to her.

Be strong, do the right thing. PM me if you think I can add anything.

Best of luck.x

Poppystellar · 18/12/2016 10:52

Thank you crisp. Your comments absolutely nailed it and without sounding like too much of a sentimental old fool really touched me when I read them this morning.


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crispandcheesesandwichplease · 18/12/2016 13:32

Glad to be of assistance poppy. We've all been there. Best of luck with it.

Oh and as italian says don't arrange meet ups around significant times such as birthdays and christmas.

comehomemax · 18/12/2016 21:54

Poppy, it might be worth having a chat with foster carers in advance to ensure things run smoothly - for example not to immediately hug your DD, but to follow your lead. Also, what areas of conversation that might be problematic (e.g. if DD asks about birth family). Hopefully they will be sensitive and handle it well.

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