Feeling different

[user1471555041]

I don't know if I'm just having a bad day or it has dawned on me about how I am different to other Mums. Our Lo has been home for a couple of months and I decided to go to a sensory baby group. The general chat is generally about pregnancy, what their births were like etc, this made me feel like an outsider but I have persisted going. Every week we finish by getting close to our babies and cuddling them, it has become glaringly obvious the difference in the bonds these other mums have with their babies, my daughter will cuddle but will quite often want to wriggle away, I know that it is early days for us but it made me feel quite upset, I managed to hold it together in the class but had a little cry on the way home. Not sure if I'm being over sensitive

Hi

Don't often post but your post was so close to how I felt attending these groups.

Our lo came to us under Concurrency at a few weeks old and I felt a total fraud at the groups I tried, they were all about pregnancy, breast feeding etc and I couldn't really join in, but 6 months in now and it has gotten easier, all of a sudden you find yourself not thinking of them as a child your adopting but as your own and in turn you won't feel different to other mums, the bond will come and it will just takes time, so don't be hard on yourself.

I now go to quite a few of these groups and they all differ, so don't give up maybe you could try some others, a lot of the ones I tried were just to clicky and not for us but I found the library sing time was good as a starting point as your focused on lo and no chance to chat between parents, it just gets you out there and builds a bit of confidence and it's great bonding singing together, lots of eye contact and touching while doing the actions to the nursery rhymes. Also the older they get the more you talk about weening and teething and less about the actual birth and that is something you can join in with.

Good luck and be kind to yourself it will get easier

I second everything above and dont forget children grow v quick so you will soon be onto toddler tantrums etc and you will be fully qualified to comment (ha ha ). The talk will change over time as will your confidence as a mum.
Dont give up getting involved as good for you both but what about adoption friends who can completely understand ?
And as for bonding ! Well some babies naturally more wriggly and i am sure it is not how you see it. You sound like you are doing great and if you are a bit sensitive that is only natural
Give it all time and one day you will suddenly realise this really is your baby and no one else could be a better mum for her x

Hi OP, I agree totally with timorous. I avoided going to groups altogether when my DC was placed with me due to feeling different and as I struggled quite a lot with my DC I was afraid of being exposed as not managing in my new role as a mum.

However, as they get older the conversations with other parents do change and become about more recent events so you'll find it easier to join in and have more in common.

Are there any adopters' support groups or social events near you? If so you'll find that the parenting issues and children's behaviour there will more closely reflect yours.

It does take some getting used to, it's a very odd experience in some ways but in time you'll feel more authentic and comfortable.

Be kind to yourself, your child is different and you have to parent a different way, but that is right for your child.

Thank you all for your kind words. We met with the foster carers at the weekend and I've been filling out the AO paperwork today so just feeling more vulnerable than usual.

We do have quite a few adopter friends who we see regularly and our LA is starting a playgroup for adopters in the new year so that will be an opportunity to meet people in the same boat.

Like you have all said the conversation will soon move on from pregnancy and birth onto more common ground.

Think I just need to relax a bit!

I hated going out because everyone would know I was a fraud! What I ended up doing, which wasn't at all planned but worked well, was going to groups at the opposite side of town. That meant when we started school, we left most of those people behind and met a whole new bunch of people, only one of whom remembers me from those days (and she appears not to have noticed anything...)

(School was about a year in - I'm not suggesting you hide at wrong side of town for four years!)

user1471555041 I am sorry you feel like this but please be reassured things will change.

Pregnancy talk does lesson off and there are lots of ways to avoid it.

Just to reassure you that not all new mums love their birth children instantly or bond instantly. Even when there is a bond the child doesn't always behave as expected. I have an adopted son (6) and birth dd (12). When dd was a baby I went to baby massage with her. We had to lie the babies on mats and undress them to their nappies and learn to massage them.

My baby screamed and cried and I ended up in a kind of broom cupboard trying to calm her down.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby.

lay the babies!

Have no adoption experience but just wanted to suggest an activity that is baby/parent focused where there isn't a lot of interaction with other parents, such as swimming, yoga or massage? In six months time the talk will be about first steps, words etc so less of a gap IYKWIM.

I've been in your situation and it gets easier. Be good to yourself, I admit I gave up a group because I found it too upsetting that my LO wasn't behaving in the same way as the other babies and wouldn't stay on my lap (or anywhere near me) for songs and actions.

The best activity for us was a small swimming class (5 babies max), it was warm, peaceful and promoted skin to skin time. Best of all was that she had to hold on to me. It was by far our happiest/most successful activity.

It's all very overwhelming to begin with and I felt very different from other mums. Not so much now 18 months in.

We seem to have had a little break through, in the past few days lo has been actively seeking cuddles and likes to snuggle up close.

We've got a bs who's now 16 and I found the groups difficult even back then, I was never into taking about feeding and nappies

I've taken your some of your advice and enrolled on a small swimming class that starts in the new year.

Thank you for your kind words. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas

That sounds like a really positive development, OP

I used to fudge things a little with our adopted DC - when talk got round to pregnancy, child birth etc, I either talked about my first pregnancy with birth DC, mentioned things that I knew about adopted DC's time inside (such as her being very overdue), or just deflected things with a "oh, nothing much to talk about for us" type brush off