How to deal with this?

[wittytwitty]

When we brought DD home MIL asked if she was speaking yet. DH said no and explained that due to the start she has had that she may be a little behind in her development. This was a phone conversation and the response was "so she is going to be backwards then?" DH told me and I was fuming! Since then FIL and DH's gran have all made comments about her using the term "backward" but never in my presence. We are going out for a meal tonight with them and I am dreading them saying it.
If they do, I will have to pull them up on it. It is not acceptable and I will not have anyone refer to my children in such a manner. But how do I do it without completely ruining the whole meal?
They see nothing wrong with it clearly and will surely be offended. I don't care but it will make a nice family meal very awkward!

wiity that's awful. I fear that you are in for a longer, measured response to your PILs that will require educating them to some point. What does your OH say/feel about their comments?

If I were you I'd seriously consider crying off tonight's meal until you feel a bit stronger and better armed to deal with it. Can you pretend that you or one of the family members is ill?

My 'nice' answer was 'well, she's had such a lot to deal with already in her little life, I'm sure she'll get there' and a steely stare.

Thanks for replying. It is too late to refuse. DH and mil have spoken today so cannot suddenly get ill. Also our son is really looking forward to it.
I feel like I need to nip it in the bud now so don't want to skirt around it. I need them to know it is okay but I don't want to look a cow!

witty you are not a cow! Your PILs are the ones most decidedly in the wrong here so don't beat yourself up. You and your OH need to agree a strategy of how to deal with it and put it into practice, probably over time.

They need educating. How are they around your son and how old is he?

You didn't say how your OH responds to them about it.

DH says nothing to them but tells me he is annoyed and does not understand how they think it is acceptable to use such a term.
Ds is 4 and although they have a good relationship with him and are very proud grandparents we have had to reduce contact a little as they were letting do all sorts such as help put petrol in the car and feed him so much sugar they need to brush his teeth before returning him. They do not respect our wishes and have said things like "I know he isn't allowed that but I didn't think you would find out".
He does love them and them him but it seems to be a relationship built on spoiling him.

Regarding the PILs and your son I think the 'spoiling' them with sugar and disregarding your rules is pretty common, not at all right but common.

As for the putting petrol in the car that is reckless, there are notices at petrol stations about how old you have to be to do that, can't remember the age limit but older end teenage. Your son is only 4, extremely youngI had to stop one of my DC's grandparents from seeing them on their own due to lack of supervision issues. It's very tricky, I appreciate, but if they can't even be safe with him when he's with them I wouldn't let him see them except for with myself present. They will, undoubtedly, resent this but you have to prioritise your son's safety above all else, it's a basic. Unless your son was 'freely' handed over to social services by his BPs (unlikely these days) he was removed due to having 'suffered, or being deemed to be at risk of suffering significant harm' - that is the legal criteria for removal of a child and significant means 'significant'. And adopted children are usually much more vulnerable than birth children due to previous experience of trauma, this often requires a much more rigorous approach to parenting.

I'm sorry to say this witty but your OH is spineless. It's his parents so primarily his responsibility to talk to them. Your child simply has to come first, sod what your PILs want or behave or that your OH daren't confront them. You have taken on care of an extremely vulnerable child and he, not other people, must be your priority.

I've just noticed that either your child has changed gender or you have more than one child.

Sorry I have more than one child. DS is our birth son aged 4. DD is adopted age 1.
Thanks for your reply. DH is spineless when it comes to these issues which is frustrating as he is very forward and upfront with them in many ways. We are on our way now so will see how it goes.

This is the same mil your daughter "hates", and all our advice is to get some space from?

Ah witty, so you do have 2 children, that makes more sense now. I've just read your other thread about your DD not liking your MIL too.

This is going to be very hard but, particularly now I've read your other thread and the advice given. It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure to carry on with 'normal' family life despite only very recently having had your DD placed with you. The advice given by other posters and social workers is there for a reason. You do need to keep the family small for a while yet. Minimum visitors, minimum meeting up with other people.

This is an awful thing to say but I experienced it myself when my DC was placed with me - firstly some adults' needs are so high that they find it hard to bond with any child who won't just accept them. These people want to hold, cuddle new babies/young children and feel rejected by the child when the child isn't comfortable with this.

For such people it is easy to see this as a failure in the child (ridiculous I know), to consider their own emotional needs before that of the child. Further, some people view children who have been abused and/or neglected as somehow inferior to other children, almost second class citizens. It's awful and immature but I have definitely experienced this within my family. This made me extremely shocked, hurt and angry on behalf of my DC even though at the time my DC and me hadn't yet managed to attach well. I wonder if you are feeling that shock and hurt too at the moment?

You also have a partner who doesn't back you up so you you have both a MIL problem and DP problem. This must be so hard for you, especially when you've only very recently had your DD placed with you. Your emotions must be all over the place, you're probably stressed out and exhausted too. And you have a 4 year old to manage.

One of the things about adoption, which has been referred to by others, is that people don't get how very different it is to having a birth child. Other parents, particularly older family members, can poo poo and try to undermine you when you are trying to parent in a different way. I think they consider themselves experts, they may have raised or be raising birth children but it is not the same.

You have a lot on your plate in this situation, i do appreciate that and understand this is a lot of new territory for you. You are, however, going to have to take control of the situation regarding your MIL. This is inevitably going to cause conflict and without your OH backing you up 100% it will be very very tough.

I don't have any easy advice for you, I'm sorry. Please PM me if you want to talk privately.

Yes Giraffe it is. We spoke to MIL and when mentioning the meal and that we probably wont go she said she would keep her distance at the other end of the table and busy herself with our son. I wanted to say no but it was her mums 90th birthday. Not something you can avoid without a heap of guilt after people have begged you to attend and made all sorts of promises.
As it happens MIL did as she promised and kept her distance. No one mentioned the phrase "backwards" and we all got on just fine. DD was happy between me and DH and ate her weight in food off my plate.

When things go well I doubt myself and begin to wonder if people are right and I am being over protective. To them it is proof that everything is fine and I am just crazy. She smiles all the time and interacts with most people. She sleeps through the night and is an all round content baby so how could she possibly be traumatised? There are no outward signs of this other than her not wanting to go others which is normal "every child is like that at some point" so what is my problem?

Glad it went well, but you are not crazy, promise. It's hard, but trust your instincts. It is a testament to how open you are to your daughter's needs that you can see below the surface.

witty, I could have written the latter part of your post.

But the only reason she does well is because we are being "crazy" (we're not), but building attachment. It's key.

Hard though, isn't it.

Thank you. I will continue with crazy.

As it happens MIL has declined to spend xmas with us as we are having an indian buffet. We didn't even invite her!
Nice quiet xmas is just what we need.

Get used to feeling crazy and keep doing what you know to be right.

Are you on Facebook? There's a woman I follow called Stacy Manning who is an adoptive mum and who coaches/cheerleads for adopters. She posted this earlier tonight, and it really resonated;

Having to defend ourselves, explain why we do what we do, and face judging and questioning from so many because we parent our children by meeting them where they are at rather than just doing it the way society thinks we should is NOT easy. Not everyone is able to understand it. Not everyone is able to give support. Thankfully, there are people who DO understand it. Thankfully, there are people who DO support us. And hopefully, the more we stick together, the more others will begin to understand and give support.

tldr that's a great quote.

Having early life trauma (moving from foster care alone would count as early life trauma) doesn't make a child relentlessly miserable or a mad axe murderer! Many people successfully deal with early life trauma and go on to be "normal" people with successful lives - sometimes because they are naturally resilient and sometimes because they have people around them who can help them deal with the trauma.

In my personal experience the effects of early life trauma are only noticable during times of stress. eg your DD might think your MIL is a social worker who has come to take her away again so it distresses her whereas normally she is quite sociable, happy etc.

Just pick them up on it the first time with a phrase like...

"The word 'backward ' isn't used any more. We say 'delay' and she will, most likely, catch up to her age 'expectations' when able to but we just want to use really positive language around her and Dr - or whatever phrase is true for you.

If it has come up a few times I would pick then up on it privately by phone.

Good luck.

Ds not Dr!