Hi twoblueskies, I'm really sorry to hear that things are so crap.
I'm a bit puzzled by the chronology here because if I understand correctly, and I may have got it wrong, but you had an older BC with your OH then went on to adopt a further child - is this right?
Your OH's behaviour sounds like that of many dad's I know who basically manage to become a parent but still hang on to part of their 'before kids' lifestyle by only, in fact, parenting part-time whilst assuming mum will always do the rest. This is very, very common and horribly unfair. So I'm a bit confused, was your OH like this with your BC or is it new selfish behaviour?
I can totally get the exhaustion/loss of sense of self/isolation of having a young child and working. It's relentless and I have been there. I also lost most of my supposed support system since adopting a child and some of the reasons that happened are still a mystery to me.
I've also, and still do to some extent, know that if we are out as a family that my OH will carry on merrily chatting to other adults, oblivious to the battles I'm having trying to keep by DD occupied, behaving, relatively calm and quiet. And I see it every time I spend time with my lovely friend and her OH and child. Friend always sits at side of child at mealtimes, OH sits wherever. Friend leaves her food to go cold whilst she cuts up LO's food and makes sure it's not too hot. Friend has her meal and conversations constantly interrupted as she's trying to get LO to concentrate on eating, stay at the table, use some semblance of table manners, take Lo to the loo etc, her OH is at chatting away to everyone having interesting conversations and eating hot food.
It's so shit and I see it all over. And - who sorts out school dinner money/uniform/school admin/arranging play dates, plans the family meals, organises the family (all requiring though, time and effort), the woman usually. When you do get a bit of time off you're too tired to enjoy it and possibly too worried about the chaos that may be going off at home with an incompetent partner in charge.
You're obviously feeling stressed and vulnerable at the mo so I'm not going to shout LTB because at this moment in time I suspect you just need some understanding and sympathy from us which is fair enough. But he is being a selfish twunt and it's really not at all fair. And I'm feeling for you.
Can I just add that you are also grieving the loss of your family at the moment in terms of them being crap and unsupportive so don't underestimate the impact of that too.
So, tell us about when you had your BC and was it like this then?