adoption sucess but still.........

[twoblueskies]

im needing a bit of support here , views opinions and hugs.
have a lovely partner and two children aged 9 and nearly 3 , second child has been in our lives for 2 years and as a foursome we are doing great

However since telling our wider family they have gone into overdrive to the point of cruelty . constant criticism and needling us.... tried to sabatage refernces although we were discribed at panel as "exceptional" in a good way ! no allowences for us getting to know a new child, any lateness due to feeding nappy changing was met with anger so i gave up and dont see them anymore ......... but i am so upset ...... i know i am right to keep a distance but i did hope that they would change and see a way to be happy for us . Now i have been invited to attend annual xmas day party which for the first year is to be held at my mums , they expect me to attend but i cant do it , i will be a nervous wreck and im still so angry and sad . This means for the first year my children wont see any of their cousins over xmas....... i feel so guilty that we have adopted a young child from a difficult family..................... into a difficult family situation. i know im a good mum and we are a happy family and i am protecting them both but i am very disappointed that the wider family , who all agree how badly my family have behaved are allowing the party at her house knowing we will have to stay away ...... very upset

Oh big hugs twoblue, that sounds very hard.
However you are doing the right thing in protecting your kids from destructive influences and putting your children first.
You said yourself that you have a happy family! What an achievement and you should be v proud. You cannot change your wider family and the way they treat you but you can show your children a better way as indeed you are doing.
I found it hard as an adult to sometimes grasp that my family was now me and dh and kids not my parents and me if that makes sense.
Maybe you could have a special get together for cousins at your house over the festive period to compensate but really i am sure you will feel it more than your little ones who no doubt will have a wonderful christmas regardless of family nonsense.
Anyway hope you have a good christmas whatever you do(tho maybe a tad to early for xmas greetings)

I am so sorry this is so stressful. Please do what is right for you.

My sister moved over three hours away about five years ago. She has never like sharing a big family Christmas so we see her fir a weekend before Christmas.

My in laws prefer a quiet time too, so we see them usually after Christmas. The kids get three separate Christmas 'days'. It works for us.

Thankyou lovely people , i am doing our own party with friends instead so have plans in place . Tonight ive had constant calls i answered the last one as i wondered if it was important ( family death ?) no ....... it was request to see my eldest . i said the same i always said,that until the two perpretators can acknowledge their wrong behaviour i will not be allowing my children to see them.

what I dont get is my auntie and cousin while agreeing with me about their awful behaviour are willing to let the party happen at my mums and celebrate with two people who have lied, bitched and been down and nasty and i have been cast out ..... very very sad

Hi twoblueskies,

How awful for you, and completely unacceptable behaviour from your relatives. It's hard to believe in this day and age that people can have such an 'adverse' and bizarre attitude towards children who join the family rather than being born into it. I really don't understand it.

You have 2 children, end of conversation. This must be a terribly hard and sad time for you but you are doing the right thing. Your responsibility is to your children and your partner and if there are toxic influences and attitudes in your wider family the best thing you can do is to keep your children away from that environment. Ultimately it is your family's loss and your children and partner need to put all your energy into your immediate family unit.

I am an adopter, my brother has raised a step-child and a birth child, my bil has step-parented my niece, my sister has 2 step-children and no birth children. They are ALL children of the family, regardless of how they arrived in the family. And they are all equal.

Be strong and trust your instincts. If your wider family cannot cope with you and your partner's choices then tough for them. It is none of their business. I understand how painful things must be for you but your thinking and actions are absolutely on the ball.

Take care and be strong. x