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Adoption

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Original poster

Foster daughter leaving soon, any tips?

8 replies

nannybird · 03/02/2007 14:51

Hi, My DH and I have been fostering since July 05 we have fd 5 and fd 15 months with us. fd 5 was due to go home in Oct 06 but fell through at last minute. Now other fd 15 months who has been with us since a week old is about to be adopted. I have met new family and I am very happy that she is going to such lovely people. Introductions are due to start in early March and I was hoping that anyone who has been through this (adopters or foster carers)could give me some advice on what to expect. Many Thanks

OP posts:

Flower3554 · 04/02/2007 05:59

Hi nannybird,

We've been foster carers for almost 20 years and have cared for 80 little ones in that time.

We now foster only newborns so have been in your position many times.

If you are anything like me you will be torn between wanting the very best for your fd and dreading her leaving.

It depends on your how your local authority works but here intro's usually are quick and intense. We moved on a little boy recently who had been with us from 2 days old to 12 months old. Intros began on the Tuesday and the baby left us on the Sunday.

Usually here the adopters spend a few hours in your home the first day. Second day they stay all day. Third day part of the day with you and part of it taking the little one out by themselves.
Fourth day you take the baby to their home and stay until she appears settled then you leave her there. They will then bring her home in time for bed. The fifth day the baby will spend part of it with the adopters and the rest of the day with you and your family.
The following day if all is going well the adopters will come to collect their baby.

While this is how our social services handle intro's yours may do it differently.

Please feel free to ask anything, I'm only too happy to help.

Original poster

nannybird · 04/02/2007 11:38

Hi Flower,
Thank you,I think that we will be doing introductions in the same way as you. I just hope that OH has finished re-doing the bathroom in time!
I have been a little worried about how fd 5 will be during this time as she has just been told that she will be found a "forever family" too.
We would like to foster more newborns after this as it has been the most wonderful experiance. We ummed and aahed about it but it has been so much fun that we wouldn't be able to say no anyway! Do you have a break between babies?

OP posts:

Flower3554 · 04/02/2007 12:46

Hi,
Its usually better for me if I take another one straight away. I know some carers prefer to have a break but I prefer to be busy. We only take one baby at a time now, we used to do sibling groups, so its too quiet if I don't have a little one. Sometimes you have no choice as there are no babies referred but I think we have been quite lucky in that respect.

We have been in your position re the 5 y old, and for us it was worse because the baby moving on was her sister. SS thought it prudent that they be separated, but the child was very stoical about it. We told her the family would take very good care of the baby and we were all looking for the perfect family for her, she wanted a family with a dog and the lo's family didn't so that was a big help.

How are you planning to be with the adopters, I know of carers that keep it quite business like but thats not me at all, I try to make friends of them, doesn't always work mind you, but I try.

I enjoy (if thats the right word) doing intro's because you can be of so much help to the family. Quite a few of ours come back again and again to see us.

QueenEagle · 04/02/2007 12:59

I have been in this situation 3 times - a 5 year old, 2 year old and 2.5 year old. I fostered about 35 children between the ages of 6 months to 15 years old.

Intro's are very similar to what flower outlined below. Consideration will be given to how the child will handle it but generally speaking 2 weeks would be the maximum. More likely to be over 7 - 10 days with slightly older ones.

In each case everthing went really well, no hitches. Hardest part is having the adopters in your home and you having to take a very hnads off approach - difficult when they fall over and come to you for a hug first!

I always said it was the most heattbreaking yet heartwarming experience. Good luck, hope all goes well.

Flower3554 · 04/02/2007 13:21

Just curious QueenEagle, did you like all the families, I've had a couple of families, out of about 20 adoptions, that I really struggled with. I don't know if it was a clash of personalities or what, just an odd feeling about them.

QueenEagle · 04/02/2007 14:18

One of the couples seemed a bit strange to me but then I always say that as you see them for such a short space of time, and they are always on their best behaviour, you don't always get a true picture of what they are really like. That's what the matching process does I guess.

It's a very false environment really, very stressful for all concerned. If I had any really serious concerns though (I never have) I wouldn't hesitate to bring it up in a professional way.

Original poster

nannybird · 04/02/2007 14:36

I was hoping that it would be a friendly affair as being our first child to go I would like them to keep in touch possibly a photo once a year or something. It would seem be strange to keep it business like especially as they are going to be in our homw. I'm sure the first meeting will be awkward as it is difficult to know who should do what. Do I throw them in at the deep end? Stay with them? nearby or let them get on with it? The baby is usually better when I'm out the way! So many questions

OP posts:

Flower3554 · 04/02/2007 15:38

One of our couples who were matched to a five year old girl insisted on arriving up to an hour late because something in the shops had caught their eye, once the Mum had her hair done??? and of course this convinced the child that they had changed their minds about wanting her.

They also thought it was perfectly ok to keep her out until 10pm and rifle through her wardrobe then change her clothes to something they preferred.

In my defence it was in my early days, no way would I stand for that sort of behaviour now. Incidently I heard through the grapevine a while later that the adoption was breaking down

nannybird trust your instincts, I would say it depends on how much, if any, childcare experience they have as to how much you do.
I usually show the couple how I do something once then say do you want to try now or would you like me to show you again. I try to remember how terrified and ignorant I was when my first child was born then multiply it a couple of times and thats probably how adopters feel.

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