Would this child be very damaged/is this quite unusual?

[Changedmyusernameforthis]

Hi,

I wouldn't normally ask about something like this on Mumsnet, but I have changed my username and I'm going to keep this very basic as I do not want to give even 1% away. Will change a few bits too.

Boy who is 8. From different country originally but moved to UK. Birth parents use to send him back to original country to be used for various things (not 100% what as have little info on it (so does SS)). Was taken into care. Is this quite rare? As I'm not sure how much experience SS will have so am very worried by any info they give. Been told that he is doing fine with foster parents. Showing no signs of distress, etc. And has been with them a year with no major problems.

I'm just unsure how true this could be? I don't disbelieve them, I'm just worried that if they have little knowledge of this (if it's really rare) they might not actually know the signs. I know it's a very long process, even from here, but just wondering if it's too good to be true?

We wanted older child, but was hoping for a child that wasn't currently needing extra support (I know all children in care do, but IYSWIM) as we couldn't possibly provide them with 1-1 specialists care for their needs (whether that's behavioural, etc.) and we have been told it's quite complicated criteria as most older children do come with specialist needs that need to be met, but he is showing no signs of these. Is that odd? Considering what he has potentially been through? I'm wondering if that's a sign in its self.

I just don't want to get everyone's hopes up all round.

Any views on this?

Changedmyusernameforthis I did not want to leave your post unanswered tonight but I am afraid I cannot say much at all.

I've no idea of the real details but I think you should be cautious. Get all the info you can and if you decide to proceed you will need to make your peace with the things you do not, and may never, know.

Can I ask why you especially wanted an older child?

Thank you so much. I know I'll never know about his past, properly, but I just would like him to be okay. I'd hate to go through with everything, then he starts to change and then need specialist 1-1 help. I don't know how to describe it.

We would like an older child because an older child would fit better into our family. My children are older (in their teens) and I'd like a child that would fit well into it, and would be able to be a part of our family - do the things we do, etc. We have obviously been matched due to things he likes as well and it just all seems so perfect.

I think it is accepted that the longer a child has been subjected to neglect etc the more it will have affected them. Just because there have been no issues with foster carers doesn't mean there is nothing wrong. Sometimes it bubbles under the surface.
All adoption carries risks. Be honest about what you can handle. What would be the worst case scenario, if you couldn't handle that then don't proceed. The lack of info would worry me and adds to the risk. Decide what is acceptable to you and stick with it. Good luck op!

I'm not 100% sure I know what the question is tbh.

Do you know what he was 'used' for? That's quite strange phrasing. If you don't know I think you need to dig deeper - a child who has been sexually abused is going to need very special care for example. A child who has had a lot of contact with drugs or other criminality etc at this age will have memories of that and have formed a worldview around it.

I would wonder why his transition into fc has been so smooth at this age. That is unusual. Has it really been like that? If so is that masking something?

Narnia and PotofGold make excellent points.

I am slightly worried by some of your wording, I am sorry if that sounds offensive. We all, adopters, choose children of ages that would suit and work better in our family - we did.

We had a 9 year old birth dd and we were joined by a 3 year old adopted son. For us this was an ideal age difference and has worked well, they are now 11 (soon to be 12) and 6. So it is not your desire for an older child I am slightly unsure about but the "I just would like him to be okay. I'd hate to go through with everything, then he starts to change and then need specialist 1-1 help. I don't know how to describe it."

You can't describe it, can you try so we can understand where you are coming from?

And...

"I'd like a child that would fit well into it, and would be able to be a part of our family - do the things we do, etc. We have obviously been matched due to things he likes as well and it just all seems so perfect."

I think it is totally normal to want a child who will fit into the family, and like what you like etc. I think to some extent we all want that (or most of us do).

To some degree I think (especially with a younger child) that does happen. They develop tastes and enjoy what you enjoy. This has happened to some degree with ds who likes the TV programmes dd likes, enjoys some of the same foods etc and doing some of the same things (e.g. swimming, having not swum a lot).

I think to some degree this kind of fitting in might be more likely with a younger child.

Wanting to adopt an older child is pretty admirable but I do think you need your eyes very much open to what this will mean. They may well like the same things you all like now but this may change and you may need to be prepared for this. (As we all are with our adopted kids, of course.)

Clearly the biggest alarm bells (for me) is the fact that you do not know why the child returned to their home country and your use of the words "Birth parents use to send him back to original country to be used for various things (not 100% what as have little info on it (so does SS)" are pretty scary!

I totally get you will not be able to say this on an open forum (please do not give away too much info!) but in your shoes I would need to find out as much as possible and make your peace with what you do not know, if it is going to work out.

Good luck.

PS my main fear was my adopted child would need home education as to me that would be very difficult! (He does not need it and his reading is brilliant!) But I am just saying, that was my fear.

That sounds really difficult. Social services must give you more information, and I'm assuming you wouldn't be at all happy to pursue this match until you had a more complete picture. 'Used for' really does sound very challenging and it's not fair to anyone involved to go ahead until you have a clearer picture of what's happened.

An 8 yo boy who has been abused/ neglected enough to be taken in to care, has had multiple journeys to and from another country and has only been in foster care for a year. And is showing 'no signs of distress' and 'no major problems'? I would be very very concerned.

I agree with campervan - it would be more expected that he would be playing up and lashing out, TBH