Friends dont know me well enough?

[drsholmes]

I'm filling in my registration of interest form which has references in it. I have my mum, and thats it so far.
My 3 best friends are all my sisters. I have a male friend at work who has known me 12yrs but we dont really socialse outside of work?
My SW only wants 1 family member.
What do I do?? Am I going to be rejected?

[tybalt22]

Your social worker will accept another family member but I would seek to find a friend, the male colleague will be ideal as they will know you from a different approach. He will be able to discuss you in a professional level etc.

[RosieandJim89]

The male friend would be fine. I had my mum, cousin and a friend. Because 2 were family they decided they needed to see them all which was hard to coordinate.
If they hadn't accepted my cousin I would have gone with a colleague.

[drsholmes]

Thanks in feeling much better. My sister is my reference because we spend lots of time with her and her husband- holidays, days out, etc. My husband is also good friends with them both.

[JustHappy3]

Just out of curiosity - why don't you have more friends outside of the family? No judgement just saying it may be something you need to reflect on during the adoption process.

[drsholmes]

I do have other mummy friends but they don't know me well enough. The people I rely on who I can talk to about anything are my sisters (we're all only 13months apart).

[Italiangreyhound]

It would be good to develop your exisiting friendships, not for reference purposes but just for support. You never know when you may hneed help and family not free. It could be to talk deeply or just share a coffee, get shopping in or babysit.

Using the prep time to develop your support network is, IMHO, a good idea.

Good luck

[Italiangreyhound]

Are you already a mum ?

[drsholmes]

Yes I'm already a mummy to a four year old. Ok, I will do, I just feel vulnerable talking to people about feelings and private stuff. But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it if I want to pass stage 2 :)

[CrazyCatLaydee123]

We were told, right at the start of stage 2, that we needed to develop our support network. Mainly because, when we have a child placed and are really struggling, we need to be able to vent/ask silly parenting questions/palm the kids off on someone/just have somebody to hold our hand etc.

We joined our local adoption support group which has been great. Our SW also buddied us up with a family who've recently adopted that she knew we had a lot in common with.

I also realised through the process of home study that I have actually got lots of friends, but I only considered 2 to be "good friends". Not sure why I need to have such a deep emotional connection to someone for me to consider them a good friend, I guess I have trust issues! But after realising this I am learning to open up and cultivate relationships with other people.

[drsholmes]

Thanks crazycatlady (love the username) that's very helpful. I've always relied on sisters for all the emotional stuff, so I guess I could be in the same situation that you were in? Had friends but wouldn't consider them good friends. Did you have to do the map that I've heard about? What does that involve?

[CrazyCatLaydee123]

Yeah we did a map - I just did a sort of mind map type thing, mainly separating them into work friends, friends, family etc. Friends of mine, friends of DH, friends of both... Try to get as many friends with kids on as poss!

[Italiangreyhound]

drholmes I asked about being a mum already because you may have 'survived' well without an extensive support network. I just think (experience here that we adopted when dd was 9 and her new ds 3, so big age gap) that you may end up needing more support with two than one. Some will say two are as easy as one. Well, maybe to some but not to me!

My ds has heairng appointments (all fine) and is currently having theraplay. My dd has had dyslexia appointments and now wants to go to the hairdresser with me and not have it done at home (now 11, nearly 12).

I always had support from family and friends (because I worked and child care once dd started school was harder - holidays etc) but I definitely need more support with two.

Re "... I just feel vulnerable talking to people about feelings and private stuff. But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it if I want to pass stage 2"

I am not sure that it is true that one always has to 'talk' to people about 'feelings and private stuff' to be good friends. But eventually I think it is important to be able to talk and share. The reason is that we can try and hold too much in, and not allow it a space to come out and be viewed/reflected on etc. The danger might be you need help (like the theraplay my son has been offered) but feel nervous about accepting help/additing you need it etc etc.

Theraplay is all about play and not about talking about problems at all!

But maybe even a fear of talking might steer you away from things that could be helpful or influential to you.

So i think a willingness to open up a bit' will be helpful but go slow, you do not need to reveal your whole self, at all, just begin to be a bit more open to talking to others and listening etc.

Also, remember, your little one's story is private so you do not (and should not) be revealing things about them, only about perhaps yourself and your life. Many people know ds is adopted but when we meet new people I do not tell them. If they found out, I would not deny it - but I do not share his story or even the fact he is adopted if it is not necessary to do so.

So you need to cultivate (IMHO) a selective way of revealing, and concealing, if you choose, and being happy to share what you share, so you can go away from conversations feeling comfortable and not feeling, 'I wish I had not revealed that!'

A good rule of thumb is you usually can reveal something at a later date, but you cannot take it back.

Anyway, friendship and closeness for many are also about shared experiences and fun and not just earth shattering revelations.

All the very best.