A shout out for support

[ac73]

Just through day 4 post placement with two kids. Oldest (5) has been so controlling today, some biting too, breaking every boundary and we don't have many! Just offloading. Xxx

I would just get whatever you need new for swimming. gradually introduce ppckeroney and one future check out the idea of if he purposefully breaks gongs he may need to pay. Just don't paint yourself into a corner on case he once breaks something go's pocket money won't cover!

In terms of arm bands just make they are the right size etc.

www.rospa.com/leisure-safety/water/advice/taking-children-swimming/

Thinking of you, it is hard at first.

All the best.

Breaks things not gongs!

Thanks everyone. A few meltdowns today but he did manage to wait on a swing in the park and made a friend. He left the park too without a meltdown. I understand what people are saying about staying at home but he is super active and we don't have the biggest house or garden. Think we'd all go mad if we stayed in. I think also that he is maybe finding it intense just being with us and seems calmer when others are around. Minute by minute at the mo. Thanks so much again everyone. Xxx

Just starting Phase 1, we have our first official meeting with our social worker for Stage 1 on Thursday, so reading all of the above comments is really helpful preparation for what is hopefully (everything possible crossed) to come.

No major meltdowns today - a first! Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Brilliant! Hang in there. One day at a time.

Soldiering on! Doing okay I think. Still some major meltdowns but I think I can see small steps of progress. Any advice on morning routines?bbHe is awful at getting dressed and it is causing a meltdown early in the day. Thank you so much. Xxx

How do you 'do' getting dressed?

We used to have breakfast first (get some food in and wake up).
Then teethbrush in downstairs basin.

Clothes chosen and brought downstairs by me.
(or alternately give 2 suitable choices)

We often made a game of it. 'Bet you can't get your shirt on before I count to 10' that kind of thing.
Or helping him (even if you think he is too old).

Something fun planned that necessitates being dressed first.

Lots of praise for putting on even one item.

Stickers? (but don't work for some adoptees, probably too early in placement for this too).

Is there a reason to get dressed? Mine usually get dressed with less fuss if it's a case of 'let's get dressed so we can go and ...' If it's just getting dressed for getting dressed's sake, I've never found a way of doing it easily. I sometimes don't bother.

Other things to think about;
Does 'getting dressed' mean going to bedroom on own to fetch clothes/change? Works better for us if I hand them clothes/they dress in living room.

Does he have to pick outfit? Maybe that's too hard.

Are clothes the right way out? If you don't know how, turning things right way out can be hard.

If you hand them things one at time, you might be able to pop tee shirt over their head, which might give opportunity for silliness/cuddles/wearing tee as hat/pulling stretchy faces on tee neck hole...

If he'll let you, maybe try treating him younger than he is.

My eldest would also get very jealous of the time I spent actually dressing my youngest do for a while I more or less dressed both of them. (Younger than yours though.)

Well done on progress!

X post with sanders but all the same ideas.

And yes, food/teeth first.

I have a DD who used to have major meltdowns about getting dressed in the morning. Was bloody exhausting. She was a bit younger than your eldest but these things helped:

1. Get child to choose tomorrow's clothes (you might have to whittle it down to a simple 'this or this') at bedtime, then hang clothes on radiator or on wardrobe so they can see them when they wake up and feel they gave some kind of control over getting dressed.

1. Get child to make a list of their morning routine (or tell you and you write it down for them). DD put some rather odd things on hers but she enjoyed checking off by herself that she had done everything on her list

1. Be prepared to baby them if that's what they need. I used to dress her by doing the same things I would have done if she was a baby (ie lying her on the bed, lifting her bottom up to get her knickers and tights / trousers etc on, blowing raspberries on her tummy etc etc) and this seemed to soothe her if she wasn't in the mood for being independent and doing it herself. It was physically knackering doing that with a 4 year old but seemed to ease the meltdowns a bit.

Hope you find something that works for you. It's really hard at the beginning. You're doing great, hang in there because it does get easier.

Massive X post with everyone else as I am so slow at typing!

Your advice was fabulous and this morning was much better - thank you all for your input. Actually, it was a much better day overall! One meltdown at dinner time which was because it wasn't pizza. That is pretty much the only thing he eats!

Yay! Pleased to hear it!

We had massive food issues in early days (and still have some pretty significant ones now that frankly I still struggle with), but in the early days the bond, attachment and security matter so much more than 5-a-day so try not to sweat it too much.

Really pleased for you that today was better. And definitely don't sweat the small stuff. For me at this point it was one god awful cartoon DVD that DD had to watch the minute she got up. I felt it was on endless repeat (it was!) and thought I might never have a breakfast again that didn't involve a talking animal in the background...

...You'll be relieved to know we can now breakfast to a variety of kiddie cartoons... Woopee!

Hey all. A couple of really good days and only one meltdown today so feel like there has been some progress. Any wise words on biting? At lunch today he was in a rage and tried to bite the table cloth and bit my husband. We try to remain calm and reassuring and repeat the mantra, "we don't hurt/bite etc. In this family." He has been heard saying this to his little sister :). The biting when it happens is horrible for everyone. Thoughts? Thank you so much :). Xxx

Tried to bite the table cloth and accidentally got your husband or two separate biting incidents?

If the husband biting was accidental and he 'only' bit table cloth I'd probably ignore it for now tbh.

For deliberate biting, in the first instance, I'd figure out how to protect yourselves (by seeing it coming/getting out the way/holding him some way he can't reach you or whatever) and continuing with the calm 'we don't hit'.

At this early stage, I don't think there's anything much to be gained by punishment/consequences or anything like that.

If you can start to see a pattern in what makes him do it, you'll probably be able to figure out ways to stop it coming.

It was on purpose :(

Hi ac73,
with the biting, try naming what you see and where you think it comes from (don't expect a response/agreement) If he is behaving in particular ways, he is trying to communicate something to you. You can help lessen the behaviour by identifying it, and then teaching him other ways to express it.
How about 'Wow, it looks to me like you're really angry (name the emotion) I can see how you're biting the table to show me that (name the behaviour) It looks like a really hard feeling to deal with (show you're on his side)'
The trick with this is that you don't have to get it right. For now, it will be important to him that you're wondering about him. And later, when you have given him the language, he will be able to correct you :)
Once he has the language, he will build the understanding and will be able to understand that there might be other ways to communicate whatever feeling he is experiencing.
If he is in too much of a meltdown, maybe save your 3 part sentence for when he's calmer.

Hey all,

Thanks so much for your input. Spoke to a friend tonight who asked about the support we had been getting and I said the best support was on this forum. Thank you all again for being fabulous. A meltdown free day today! Xxx

Glad you had another meltdown free day. You are doing really well. Sorry to hijack your thread but just wanted to say thanks to campervan for the suggestions re naming behaviour. I'm currently having some big ish issues with 6 yr old having toddler type tantrums and I'm going to nick the idea to try and help DD identify what is causing the tantrums and help both of us cope with them better. There are some really insightful, helpful and generally ace people on the adoption boards who give out great advice.

Hey all,

Another pretty good day I think but a bit too tired to tell! Any words of wisdom on starting his new school? Have a book of photos to show of his new school and class, have driven past the school a few times and referred to it, he has met some other kids in our street who go to the same school, he has having a look round on one of the training days. Any other thoughts? Xxx

A couple of things re school:

• some adopters give their child a photo of you plus child, or a small item with your perfume or whatever as a transition object that can be taken to school and held if needed
• be very clear to school regarding whether he can be included in photos or not. As well as filling out required forms, make sure you explicitly mention to class teacher, and remind them before things like nativity shows. Also what you think re other parents taking photos for personal use / social media - check school's policy
• if you haven't already then a potted history to school for class teacher would be helpful, plus warning them not to ask for baby photos!
• have you thought how 'open' you will be with other parents? We were quite open about our DDs as it helped me be able to ask questions that otherwise a parent of an 8yo would be expected to know. Not details of background, but the fact they were newly placed. Other adopters I know choose to keep quiet. Will your LO be likely to say anything?

He talks a lot about his past so he will probably say something. Really useful advice, thank you! B