Name options

[Evilwickedmeanandnasty]

Hi all

My first post is to ask about names... We've been given details of a possible match - he sounds lovely and I have no issue with some of the difficulties he might have (older child). My only concern is that his name is rather unusual - I've never, ever heard it before and Google doesn't recognise it - and it rhymes with our surname. Think 'Apple Schnapple'

Knowing what some children at school can be like (my BS has ASD and has been bullied because 'he's different') - I'm worried that it could leave him open to bullying.
Also, as it is so unusual, he could be easily traced if birth parents were so inclined.

I guess my question is, has anyone adopted an older child and changed their name? Is it even an option? I know kids are resilient but would just want to make life as smooth as possible for him!

I fully appreciate that it is his name and possibly the only thing he has that he can call his own - that may be enough to put my mind at ease once we meet him! I also appreciate that I may be being over protective before time!

Thank you x

I don't think changing his name would be a viable option. As an older child it is much harder to get used to than for a baby. I struggled to get used to a name change when I got married and that was just surname.
As you probably know, social workers and the judges would seriously frown upon name changing but if it is deemed a risk then they may be open to it.
Discuss with your social worker your concerns and see what is said.

Thank you Rosie, I understand and agree... One to add to my list of questions to ask! X

Would a nickname/shortened form work? Ds (not adopted) is known by a shortened form of his name, which is used on school reports/ everything except "official" documents. Some friends who adopted and didn't like the name chose a nickname which he is now known by to all.

Depends how old child is. I know of a 4 year old who had a v identifiable name. Adopted parents chose a "normal" name but it could have been a derivative from her real name (her birth name was made up - only one such name in her year group according to ONS). But it definitely sounded different though could have been a connection. It all worked out.

Is he old enough for you to discuss it with him? He might dislike his name or agree that it will sound silly with his new surname.

Best of luck.

He's 6 but has the social skills of a much younger child. The only possible adaptation of his name would be to shorten it but then it becomes our eldest's name!!!

I was thinking that talking to him would be the best option.

Thank you all for your replies!

How old is the child? I guess it it's a baby, then that would be fine, older a lot harder.

Is there a more palatable form of the name? Could you use it as a middle name?

If not, can you use a nn?

On Long Last Fmily, it's not unusual for adopted children have had their name changed. Not sure what is the norm today.

Back in the days when Long Last Family children were adopted, the prevailing view was of a 'fresh start', with a new name and often very restricted access to information. Remember too that those children were often adopted at birth, which is very unusual these days.

Now the emphasis is on affirming and respecting that the child has a history which cannot be ignored, and that names are an important part of identity which should not be changed without good reason.

In this case, there are two potential good reasons. The security risk should be explored with your social worker - how real is it and how dangerous would it be for birth parents to make contact? Respecting a name is important, but keeping both your children safe is more important. In my case, we slightly shortened the birth name but kept using the same nn she had had throughout her life (but she was a baby).

The second issue is potential bullying, and here I would tread more carefully. The timing is important here. Talking to your new son about altering his name because (a) it doesn't go with your surname, or (b) it sounds odd and he might get bullied, seems to me a high risk conversation to have at the start of an adoption. Can you see how it goes a bit? Are there other options - could the whole family amend their surname, perhaps become double-barrelled? (If this seems an outrageous demand to you, consider that it might seem the same to your new son?)

In short, I think: if there's a real security issue, change the name. If there isn't, wait and see.

I don't think he has a middle name and I fully appreciate that everyone has attachments to their names - my maiden name was double-barrelled and always misspelt!

I guess it's a case that I need to know more about any possible security issues and that's a conversation to be had with our SW.

At the moment, it's still a way off - I just wanted to get an idea if it has been done before. The last thing I want to do is give him any more reason to feel uncomfortable - he'll be coming into a big family and we all have nicknames for each other, even the pets!

Thank you all for your input, it's very much appreciated!

Evilwickedmeanandnastydon't despair, name aside, would you like to parent this little one?

If yes, then try not worry.

Re "I fully appreciate that it is his name and possibly the only thing he has that he can call his own"

No it's not the only thing. He's got his gorgeous body, eyes and hair, all determined by birth parents and uniquely his. the name is just what his birth parents chose to name him. But, yes, as Spooky says, it may be very important to him.

Once adopted, by you or whoever else, he will have a home of his own and a mum and dad, and siblings.

A name is a name. But how much does it mean to the child.

BUT for goodness sake don't say too much to social workers! Just nod and smile when they tell you this is the only thing the birth parents gave him (and every drop of bloody in his body!)... but ultimately there are a few issues...

Is there a genuine risk of birth parents coming to try and find him?

Try and find out about any risks aside from the name 'issue'.

Bullying could be an issue, may not, kids love things that rhyme, sometimes.

Once you adopt you can legally change the name at adoption or maybe even afterwards by deed poll. But you want to make sure the child is behind it all.

I've moved position on this a lot. I started out very pro name change, then I was very keep the name (because it is part of them etc etc, and that is true) and now, in the Internet, social media age that we live in I really do wonder if we did the right thing keeping little one's birth name!

As child is much older, e.g. school age, you could give them a choice.

Hi Italian!
Yes!! Everything else sounds like he could be the perfect little one to complete our family. Since posting this thread, I've found myself wandering around the house just repeating our names together and it's starting to grow on me. It could be that, as it is unusual, it threw me IYKWIM?!
I've posed the question to my two younger kids and they quite like it, but I don't want to put too much on them as things may change and we end up not having him. Time will tell.
Thank you for you comments though, I've read a lot of your posts on here and you talk a lot of sense!!!

You might want your last post deleted - it could all add up to be a bit too identifying! Best of luck.

"and you talk a lot of sense!!!" Music to my ears! Thank you.

Yes, your post is bit out these as the dog eating balloons says. please ask for it to be deleted.

Thanks Mydog and Italian... Have taken your advice! X