Bit of reassurance?

[blueskywithclouds]

Hello again!
Adoptive daughter (10months) has been with us nearly a month. After a rocky start, I am much better bar one thing...her crying. I need some reassurance from fellow adopters.
During the day my daughter gets all my attention and is generally happy (minus teething etc). I comfort her and tend to her needs quickly. She has become clingy to me and that's fine, she is happiest sitting on my lap playing (god I have a bad back now!).

She has suddenly got into the habit of crying before sleep though. She came with a good routine, always liked sleep. We have kept that routine, including all the music etc she was played at fc. She has begun crying the minute I put her down. It can be a grizzle or full on scream.

This is where I feel like I'm failing her...i suppose I have been doing some gentle "controlled crying", or trying to but I'm not sure that is a good idea as she has had a big life change. I'm also extremely sensitive to her grumbling/crying, to the point where It gives me upset tummy. I'm getting through anxiety but this is the last sticking point!

When I leave her room, a lot of the time her screams will suddenly silence or turn into a grizzle. If they don't, I go back to check and shush her, then leave again. She gets furious! However, she is normally asleep within 10-30mins.
I feel like I should be picking her up and comforting her but I know that all her needs have been met and as soon as she sees me she turns the tears off and starts giggling! Then yells when I leave.

I'm utterly torn. On one hand I don't want her to feel abandoned but on the other, she needs to sleep and I won't survive if I have no sleep.

Sorry, this is such a ramble. I don't want her to be unhappy and she is always so happy to see me. Is it normal for her to grumble? She has developed a lot in the month with us and seems more aware.

Just need reassurance I'm not damaging her. Or advice!!

My DD always went to sleep at night with no problem but she also never slept during the day. You could try stopping her daytime nap if she has one.

I couldn't do cosleeping, my husband and I are both very active sleepers and so is my daughter, she rolls around her cot! I don't want to go down that road. Especially as once she is asleep, she sleeps straight through until 6am (at the moment). Last night I stayed in with her in her cot and she grumbled for the whole time. Me being there didn't seem to calm her but will persevere.
Today my husband put her down for her nap and spent longer with her and not a single grumble! He just played with her calmly in her cot, waited until her thumb went in her mouth and then laid he down. Not a peep out of her! Small victory! Thanks again for all advice, I am processing it 😊

Hi again, You are doing very well and I wouldn't worry about being a new 'adoptive' mother; you are a new mother. Many birth mothers have the same situation. (I'm not being indifferent to the adoption issue I assure you.)

I was just looking at your bedtime routine again and you don't mention her last bottle. DD always used to fall asleep over hers at that age.

I used to bath her in the morning rather than at night. She would have her supper around 6 pm and sit up for a bit after that. Then I would get her ready for bed and into her baby sleeping bag. Then I would cuddle her and give her the last bottle with the lights very low. I didn't sing or read a book because that would stimulate her rather than make her sleepy. She had a musical box which had lights playing on the ceiling - moon and stars and she would watch the lights. Looking up makes the lids droop.

She would usually fall asleep over the bottle. I'd continue to cuddle her for a few minutes and then put her down.

I'm sure it will get better soon.

You have had some brilliant advice here blue so I'll try not to duplicate!

Just to say you are a fabulous and intuitive mum and please recognise that in yourself. There are enough people/friends/media/socalledparenting_gurus ready to make parents feel bad so don't join them and criticise yourself.

Trust your instincts is really good advice. I'll often 'feel' a course of action is best. Dh might suggest another way, I'll go with it and then realise even though I couldn't identify why something was best my way, it was! I'm not sure it's a female thing, I think it is a primary carer thing! Whoever is around the kid/s most just sometimes 'knows' what will work BUT if parenting in a couple the other parent has some great insights too, especially as children get older.

Anyway back to sleep, when our ds came to us at 3 he would go to sleep at 7.00 in a darkened room. Pretty soon he wanted the light on, took longer to go to bed and was much cheeckier than the little boy we met in foster care! He was home. And it brings tears (of joy) to my eyes to realise (even though his foster family were fabulous) that he was becoming even more himself, letting himself out, in his family, our family.

I just wanted to update...turns out it was actually a very simple problem 😲 I realised about 6days ago that our daughter is nowhere near as tired as she once was and perhaps her grizzling was because she wasn't tired enough for bed (she was napping 4hours a day). I experimented with shortening naps and every night since she has gone to bed with no complaint! I'm a little shocked it was something so straight forward! Now I know for future!

You must be very relieved. Four hours of sleep during the day is quite a lot and if she is now more tired when she goes down it should be easier now.

Pleased to hear things have been sorted easily OP!