Bit of reassurance?

[blueskywithclouds]

Hello again!
Adoptive daughter (10months) has been with us nearly a month. After a rocky start, I am much better bar one thing...her crying. I need some reassurance from fellow adopters.
During the day my daughter gets all my attention and is generally happy (minus teething etc). I comfort her and tend to her needs quickly. She has become clingy to me and that's fine, she is happiest sitting on my lap playing (god I have a bad back now!).

She has suddenly got into the habit of crying before sleep though. She came with a good routine, always liked sleep. We have kept that routine, including all the music etc she was played at fc. She has begun crying the minute I put her down. It can be a grizzle or full on scream.

This is where I feel like I'm failing her...i suppose I have been doing some gentle "controlled crying", or trying to but I'm not sure that is a good idea as she has had a big life change. I'm also extremely sensitive to her grumbling/crying, to the point where It gives me upset tummy. I'm getting through anxiety but this is the last sticking point!

When I leave her room, a lot of the time her screams will suddenly silence or turn into a grizzle. If they don't, I go back to check and shush her, then leave again. She gets furious! However, she is normally asleep within 10-30mins.
I feel like I should be picking her up and comforting her but I know that all her needs have been met and as soon as she sees me she turns the tears off and starts giggling! Then yells when I leave.

I'm utterly torn. On one hand I don't want her to feel abandoned but on the other, she needs to sleep and I won't survive if I have no sleep.

Sorry, this is such a ramble. I don't want her to be unhappy and she is always so happy to see me. Is it normal for her to grumble? She has developed a lot in the month with us and seems more aware.

Just need reassurance I'm not damaging her. Or advice!!

[ProfessorPickles]

Pleased to hear things have been sorted easily OP!

[Cleo1303]

You must be very relieved. Four hours of sleep during the day is quite a lot and if she is now more tired when she goes down it should be easier now.

[blueskywithclouds]

I just wanted to update...turns out it was actually a very simple problem 😲 I realised about 6days ago that our daughter is nowhere near as tired as she once was and perhaps her grizzling was because she wasn't tired enough for bed (she was napping 4hours a day). I experimented with shortening naps and every night since she has gone to bed with no complaint! I'm a little shocked it was something so straight forward! Now I know for future!

[Italiangreyhound]

You have had some brilliant advice here blue so I'll try not to duplicate!

Just to say you are a fabulous and intuitive mum and please recognise that in yourself. There are enough people/friends/media/socalledparenting_gurus ready to make parents feel bad so don't join them and criticise yourself.

Trust your instincts is really good advice. I'll often 'feel' a course of action is best. Dh might suggest another way, I'll go with it and then realise even though I couldn't identify why something was best my way, it was! I'm not sure it's a female thing, I think it is a primary carer thing! Whoever is around the kid/s most just sometimes 'knows' what will work BUT if parenting in a couple the other parent has some great insights too, especially as children get older.

Anyway back to sleep, when our ds came to us at 3 he would go to sleep at 7.00 in a darkened room. Pretty soon he wanted the light on, took longer to go to bed and was much cheeckier than the little boy we met in foster care! He was home. And it brings tears (of joy) to my eyes to realise (even though his foster family were fabulous) that he was becoming even more himself, letting himself out, in his family, our family.

[Cleo1303]

Hi again, You are doing very well and I wouldn't worry about being a new 'adoptive' mother; you are a new mother. Many birth mothers have the same situation. (I'm not being indifferent to the adoption issue I assure you.)

I was just looking at your bedtime routine again and you don't mention her last bottle. DD always used to fall asleep over hers at that age.

I used to bath her in the morning rather than at night. She would have her supper around 6 pm and sit up for a bit after that. Then I would get her ready for bed and into her baby sleeping bag. Then I would cuddle her and give her the last bottle with the lights very low. I didn't sing or read a book because that would stimulate her rather than make her sleepy. She had a musical box which had lights playing on the ceiling - moon and stars and she would watch the lights. Looking up makes the lids droop.

She would usually fall asleep over the bottle. I'd continue to cuddle her for a few minutes and then put her down.

I'm sure it will get better soon.

[blueskywithclouds]

I couldn't do cosleeping, my husband and I are both very active sleepers and so is my daughter, she rolls around her cot! I don't want to go down that road. Especially as once she is asleep, she sleeps straight through until 6am (at the moment). Last night I stayed in with her in her cot and she grumbled for the whole time. Me being there didn't seem to calm her but will persevere.
Today my husband put her down for her nap and spent longer with her and not a single grumble! He just played with her calmly in her cot, waited until her thumb went in her mouth and then laid he down. Not a peep out of her! Small victory! Thanks again for all advice, I am processing it 😊

[Cleo1303]

My DD always went to sleep at night with no problem but she also never slept during the day. You could try stopping her daytime nap if she has one.

[Mama1980]

The fact she wants you is great news, really, sounds to me like you're doing great.
Is would say Listen to your instincts, if you think she needs a cuddle, cuddle her. Maybe try playing your hand on her stomach so she can feel you but still in a calm way so you don't need to put her down as such.
My eldest is now 18 and she still calls me or cuddles me every night before she goes to bed, it's a reassurance thing, something she herself recognises now.
My youngest (adopted she was placed in my care the day she was born, I have 2 birth sons Inbetween) I still hold her until she falls asleep, if I leave she cries and as I'm sure you are aware controlled crying is not recommended when children have experience any form of trauma, but once she's asleep I go quietly and she's fine with that.
Co sleeping could also be a option? It's not for everyone but worked for me when mine were that small.

[PoppyStellar]

spookyrachel absolutely nails it. Sleep has been a big issue for my LO. she is 6 now and like Rachel I sit with her til she falls asleep. I also love the kindle app, only thing that keeps me sane. Mostly now my LO falls asleep quite quickly - 15 mins or so, but I have to stay in the room with her til she falls asleep. It's a real attachment and security thing for my daughter and it's taken years (sorry, really not trying to put you off!) to get to the point. She also has a second bed, mattress on floor next to my bed which she calls her emergency bed and which she is now able to settle herself into and go off to sleep if she wakes up in the night.

I had about six weeks of her sleeping through (ish) from 7-7 when she first came home at 2 and a bit and then it seemed that once she realised she was here for good the sleep went haywire. A good regular routine and endless endless reassurance and patience paid dividends in the end and now for the most part sleep is good, and even when she wakes in the night which still happens quite regularly, every few nights or so, she can now settle herself in her emergency bed and be secure enough to go off to sleep knowing that I am coming up to bed at some point and will be in the same room. It's my version of co sleeping because I like having my bed to myself far too much to share and even if we did share she's such a wriggler that neither of us would get any sleep. Tried it once and was beyond exhausted the next day.

It's bloody exhausting when they don't sleep properly but it does get better. Promise.

[SpookyRachel]

My dd came to me at the same age. I really, strongly recommend you don't leave her to cry. However, you don't have to pick her up for a cuddle either - unless she is really distressed - as it will stimulate her and confuse the message about bedtimes. With my dd, I used to sit beside the cot while she went to sleep. If necessary, I would gently place a hand on her tummy, but I would try to keep any patting/rubbing to a minimum. I would also keep myself calm, and try not to have too much eye contact (though I wouldn't be robotic either). Sometimes she would grizzle a little to be picked up but, unless she got really unhappy, I just used to stay like that - how distressed could she really be, with me next to her and my hand on her tummy?

As time went on, I reduced the tummy-holding and just sat beside her bed, reading my kindle. The kindle was essential as it kept me from going crazed with boredom - I think they really sense it when inside you're screaming, "GO TO SLEEP!!!".

The downside, and it's a big one, is that she is now 6 and I still sit with her while she goes to sleep! Which is not to say that she couldn't have been weaned off this by now. I guess she still likes the closeness and the comfort, and it doesn't bother me (I quite like sitting in the dark with my kindle). But I know that's not for everyone.

Anyway, that worked for us but I think the only critical thing is not to do controlled crying. At this stage, your priority is building your attachment and your child's sense of safety, NOT teaching them good sleep hygiene.

[thefamilyvonstrop]

Just as an additional observation - my LO's sleep patterns definitely become more up and own during a period when he is having a growth spurt or demonstrating new skills. It may be that your little girl is the same.

[blueskywithclouds]

Thank you, she has made a lot of progress. In the last 2weeks she has mastered army crawling, pointy finger, pincer grip, shaking her head for no and waving! She is pretty amazing, so proud of her

[Haffdonga]

Another thing that is different now for your dd than at her fcs, Blue is her age. A month is a vast developmental leap in the first year of life. She's actually not the same dc she was when she was living at her fc's. Separation anxiety (which may be involved in this behaviour) is part of normal development and happens in stages over a child's first year or so (if they're receiving secure and regular care). From about 8 months on, babiesstart to distinguish between their special people they want to be with all the time and other 'strangers' who start to be more scary to them. This peaks at about 1 year old (when often children cry if their mum leaves the room or appear more shy if a neighbour tries to play with them, for example).

When your dd was at her fc's she was probably too young to have developed strong separation anxiety. She was still at the age when she was working out that she was a separate entity from the world around her. So her fc can pat herself on the back about how she slept so well, but actually it's a lot easier to get a 6 month old to sleep alone than a 10 month old. Now with you, your dd's making that developmental leap big time and it shows that everything for her is going well (of course, acknowledging the fact that she's dealing with lots of extra stuff that's all mixed in too)..

You sound like a wonderful intuitive, lovely mum.

[blueskywithclouds]

Dh just put her down for her nap...he stayed in there longer but apparently she found it too much fun and giggled at him (even though he tried to be soothing). He left and she grizzled a small bit then went to sleep. I'm not sure we will ever manage to get her to sleep whilst in the same room but we are going to try and leave the room on a "good" note each time.

[blueskywithclouds]

I think I need to stop comparing her now to her with her fc. She was with fc from birth for 9months so of course she will be different for us. I just wish the anxiety could ease a bit, trying to recover from PAD isn't helping either. Thanks all for kind words and advice!

[Hels20]

i don't understand why she slept without incident at fc - erm...maybe she didn't. However good a FC is, not sure you ever really get the whole truth.

It is exhausting but I would echo what others have said. Stroke her, comfort her, reassure her you are there. DS has been with us over 2.5 years (and is 5) and still won't go to sleep unless one of us is in the room with him...

[ProfessorPickles]

Hi OP, I haven't adopted (I think I'd like to in future so I'm always drawn to these threads) but I just wanted to say that you are in no way a shit first time mum. It sounds like you care for her very much and are simply trying to do what is best for her which is all anyone can ask.
Follow your instincts, she hasn't been with you long and hopefully her getting to sleep will settle over time. Give her as many cuddles as she needs for now, she'll soon learn that you are her mum for good and you won't be going anywhere.

You honestly sound like a wonderful mother

[RatherBeIndoors]

It's really, really common for a child to be very different for their adopters than they were for FCs (or at least, that's what everyone told me when I was going mad, with a "sleeps really well in FC" child who didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time for me!!). I am guessing here, but there are loads of potential reasons for it: possibly the child was very withdrawn/still a bit in shock in FC, definitely there will be some grief and disturbance from the move to adopters, making a new bond is scary and intense and is going to be different each time...

You are not rubbish at this at all based on what you write. You're always looking for ways to connect to your child, to be attuned to their needs and emotions. It is not always about guessing a magic right answer (if there is one!) but more about your child learning that you stick by them through the big emotions, and you stay steady, riding it out with them and learning as you go. Maybe it's over-stimulation, maybe it's tweaking naps...but as long as you know they are not unwell or hungry, my guess is there's a good chance that it's they miss you when they can't see you. That's potentially a wonderful sign, based on all your daytime "work" with her, but it means now she wants even more from you - perhaps she has tasted nurture being with you, and been able to respond positively to it (an excellent thing if that's the case) by asking you for more.

[MintyLizzy9]

Oh I sacked off the bedtime bath he had with FC after a few weeks as it just seemed to rile him up! Morning baths now and it works great. X

[MintyLizzy9]

DS did this about a month into placement. Previously went to bed and to sleep with no issues and had for all previous carers. He also stopped sleeping through, waking 2 or 3 times a night. It was a bit hit and miss but eventually I found what worked. All he wanted was me in the room so I had a few weeks of laying on the floor next to his cot with my hand poking through the cot bars that he then held onto (brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it now!) and he wouldn't cry and would be asleep within 20 minutes.

Anyway it took about 3ish weeks (it's all a blur now!) but eventually he first started sleeping through and then finally getting himself off to sleep without me being in the room.

I tried to never take him out of the cot once he was in and other than singing to him for the first five min it was radio silence from me but ensuring he had the physical contact of holding hand through cot. This seemed to calm him much quicker than being picked up or chatting to him. I think he just needed to know I wasn't going to vanish now in early days of working out what worked for him I would bring him in with me and co sleep which served its purpose but we're both 'active' sleepers so someone me would get up getting kicked in the face a few times

He was just 2 at the time and has the odd blip now (6 months later) how the chuf did that happen!!! when he's poorly but generally I put him to bed now, leave the room and he's asleep (happily, no crying or complaints other than bellowing seeeeeeeya as I creep down the stairs!) within 20 min.

Do whatever you feel is best, it might be trial and error for a while but you'll eventually find what works.

[tldr]

She wants you. That's great news.

Don't worry too much about tweaking routines - you're the expert on her now, so if you think something needs to change, go ahead.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

You're not inadequate for wanting to cuddle your baby. Quite the opposite.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

A quiet child may be a contented child. Or it may be a child who realises there is no point in crying because no-one is going to come...

[blueskywithclouds]

We thought at first she was over stimulated so we have adopted the "dinner, bath, story, bed" routine. We don't play with toys after her bath, she is happy to look at her books with me and poke them! I sing to her as well.
Yes, she is shortening her naps herself now but still seems tired...I'm just wading through the sea of "what could it be" lol. Wish I knew her better, then I might understand more. Feel like a shit first time parent, with the added shitness that I'm a shit first time ADOPTIVE mum! Who clearly hasn't a clue about what's best, despite doing a lot of reading!

[blueskywithclouds]

I don't understand why she slept without incident at fc, makes me feel inadequate. All she needed was her comforter but now she doesn't even look at it, just wants me. That's a good thing I guess! She has also turned from being this easy going baby to such a cheeky monkey, she has definitely found her voice! I hope it is because I spend so much time listening to her and talking to her. She tells me off if I'm not doing something quickly enough!